Thanks for the prayers I need all the help I can get.
LOL about getting around talk about travelling in a budget. In my job before I started this over here I worled for a large mutlinational and would spend about 8 months of the year going from counrty to country. Looking back I didnt realise how good I had it - travel was always Business Class (normally bumped up to first), stayed in 5 star hotels and an expense account that wouldnt raise any eyebrows as long as it stayed under 10000 a month. Oh well in the world of the startup those days are well and truely behind me. The trip turned into the trip from hell in getting back but I will go through that in a seperate post.
I hope things start looking up for you soon. You really deserve it.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Firtsly got back from Japan, very interesting but turned into a trip from hell. Firstly I had two very interesting travelling companions - one was a princess from the UK and the other was the grandson of the old Japenese emporer - talk about people that lived in a different world from this little ol Aussie (you know fleets of rolls royces, palaces (not kidding - the princess had three) plus I saw a 12 carrot champagne and black diamond ring - one of each). But saying all of that they were great people and we ended up having a couple of really good nights out. Great picture of the three of us walking down a streat in Tokyo arms around each other singing songs - lol - oh and of course alcohol was involved. Trust an aussie to corrupt royalty.
But the trip home turned into the trip from hell. I had carried a bunch of cash with me that was promptly stolen in Singapore on the way through to Tokyo. So I show up in Tokyo without a cent. All was ok until I went to check out of the hotle and realsied that the bill hadnt been paid back in india. So I had one of the moments where I realise im in Tokyo, no money, a 3000 hotel bill and no way to get to the airport to get home and no where to stay in my last night there. So many phone calls and anxious moments later the bill was paid. But I ended up taking 48 hours of travelling to get home in addition to sleeping on the floor of Narita aiport (Tokyo) and the same in Singapore. Oh well another chapter for the book of Andrew's travels.
So on the home front it is getting hard. Things between us are fine, just the stresses of debt collectors and generally no money. My wife has started to go through periods of crying and then anger but I know that this is just a sympton of the problems. Im a busy little listener, validator and supporter. It is hard hearing her under enourmous stress and crying but she is trying to support me. She said this week that she really wants me home (she doesnt say this much), she said she doesnt bring it up because she knows how hard it is for me here and she doesnt want to pressure me.
One big thing this week is that my wife finally acknowledged our money situation. One of the major problems in our M, from my perspective, was her inability to take any financial responsibility. She now realises that I am not hiding money anywhere and we are on the edge and shock horror she is budgeting (well miracles never cease - LOL). I have always shielded her from money problems - she has never had to work she just assumed there was a 'credit card' solution for everything. I think that this is a great lesson that she has learned. hey I know she will never be 'good' with money but at least she knows it does run out. Another interesting thing is that she has a glimpse of what life would be like if I decided to dissappear. We are currently refinancing houses to get some short term cash and it has hit her how much money we owe at the moment and that if 'somehting' was to happen to me then she couldnt manage financially herself. So she wants to sit down with me and plan out this out. These are all big steps forward for her and us.
As far as the business goes here we have reached the agreemnets and initial papers have been signed. The last document we had to finish was sent off today. All being well the transfer will happen before the 15th of next month and I have booked a flight for the 18th to get back to Aus and I am looking forward to a few weeks back home.
Oh well thanks for reading the ramblings.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Well major vent here and maybe I have done some real damage in my M.
Today has been aweful. Around six phone calls with my wife all endeed up with her yelling at me and one of us hanging up the phone. I look at it and just dont know what has gone wrong. If I had it in me at the moment I would become the walk away as it seems all of the strides we had made over the last months have been thrown away.
I know that things are hard for her, they are for me as well. I have done all I can to help. I know she is under stress and pressure and I have always tried to stay calm as she has got mad and for the most part I have succeeded. But today I couldnt suck it in anymore.
Today her attacks started to become personal again. She is saying that I am lying to her that I am not truthful and that I am hiding stuff from her. I tried to be understanding, tried to validate where I could, offered apologies but this all just set her off more.
She started throwing it into my face that she gave me a second chance and now she is not sure if i am worthy of it. This whole thing has come about due to money. I dont have any but whatever I have been able to get my hands on has gone to her. I am living like a pauper while she at least has a good roof over her head and is able to drive around town in the good ol expensive sports car. She has rent due on Tuesday and has no money for food. I said I will organise some more from getting more loans but this has just set her off again.
I heard again how everything in the marriage was my problem and my fault and how she did nothing wrong. How she wants to be independant - through me giving her money (of course the thought of her getting a job has not crossed her blasted mind).
When we got back together I did tell her I would fix her debts up but this relied on what was happening in India. This has taken much longer to finish then I ever wanted but that is where I am and I cant do anything about it. I have offered to leave this behind and come back and get a job but she has said no.
So at the moment I am still mad at her, I feel like walking away from it all and leaving her with the mess that was all of her own making anyway. The freedom of the walkaway starts seeimg nice at the moment. I just couldnt handle her 'Are you going to let me starve are you going to let your dogs starve' comments today. The of course the accusations that I am having a wow of a time over here while she is living in 'poverty' in her $550 a week rental house buying bloody $600 bonzai plants.
I know I made classic mistakes today. I know I should have just let her be when she was upset, but I just couldnt take the personal attacks on me. After she had hung up on me three times my last conversation was me calling up and saying "If you hang up on me again then I will leave you with your won bloody mess". I know not good dbing. I then hung up on her after I said it. I know I shouldnt have done it but hell I have my own pressures here as well.
So I will wait till tomorrow and all her. I just cant handle her like this anymore. I would do anything for her but I wont do it with the threat of her 'leaving' if I dont do it. I need to calm down and relax. Im going to go out and have a couple of drinks tonight to relax. But as I said the thought of throwing up my hands and not taking any responsibility for this anymore starts sounding attractive.
Well venting done. Would appreciate some thoughts on what to do and how to handle this?
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Did I welcome you to Piercing? Oh! welcome to Piercing and yes, it is tough. Damn tough and hard work too.
From where you guys have been, there is a lot of work to do. You and I are in the same situation as we have done the work and WAW's haven't done any work on their R skills.
From my reading of your post, I think you need to immediately break the tit for tat cycle of you hurt me and I hurt you. Continuing with only perpetuates it if neither is willing to back down. Mate, when someone is calling you an f'ing this and a f'ing that and you are sitting there saying I'm sorry that you feel that way takes alot.
It's hard to suck down your pride when someone hurls abuse at you and to either defuse or to walk away from the situation. Whether it is a spouse or anyone else for that matter.
Between you and your W, you have made a commitment to work on the M so, let that commitment happen. Any material you can lay your hands on regarding communications in marriage is vital. You guys don't seem to have the mutual respect of the others feelings under control. It's taken me a long time but today was the first day that my W respected and didn't argue against my feelings. But I was the one that started repecting hers 8 months ago and it's taken her this long to realise that the root of our problems were not communications but disrespect for each others feelings, not unlike the exchanges that you are having.
Unfortunately, the burden of first learning, applying demonstating and succeeding with repectful communications falls fairly and squarely on our shoulders. It is up to us to lovingly teach the derranged spouse how it is done properly.
Also, I have always maintained that I am smarter than my W so the responsibility of leading us to a better place lies with me. I accept it, it is an incredible challenge and we need to do it with control of our own feelings and an open heart.
I don't think that your W is any good at managing money. Neither is mine and she stinks at it. However, I have worked a system that works with us and W doesn't feel like she is being controlled (see my thread for details). You need to come up with a way which makes her accountable for her spend and one where she feels in control. Tough task, but not impossible.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Thanks for the calm voice of reason. It was funny today I could see the spiral but I couldnt bring myself to pull out of it. I knew I should have just left her alone and called her back tomorrow but it was just one of those days. I could see the mistakes and just couldnt stop the spiral downwards.
I understand the stalemate it seems that was a lot of our problems through the seperation. I was sucking it in today and was apoligising but then she yelled at me and told me to stop apologising - sheesh
Your right about the committment and I know that most of this responsibility falls on me. The hardest thing is that the major problem we have at the moment - money - cant be fixed that easily. But I have been lucky enough to get around this in the past and hopefully will get one more bit of luck. All should be finished here in two weeks so those immediate problems will be behind us.
I know what you mean about the challenge. For the most part, even with the distance and the financial issues, we have been making good progress. When the money issue isnt there then things are great between us but at the moment the money issue is in the centre and I cant difuse it.
I think we have a good solution soon. I have arranged that she will get a good monthly allotment (actually she will on paper become an employee of the company here running the Australia Office - lol). She can then use this and do with it what she wants.
Mate thanks very much for your thoughts. I will see how it goes tomorrow when I talk to her.
Andrew
BTW I have tried to find your thread in the past and could, can you give me a pointer?
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Quote: I think we have a good solution soon. I have arranged that she will get a good monthly allotment (actually she will on paper become an employee of the company here running the Australia Office - lol). She can then use this and do with it what she wants.
Andrew, that is excellent to hear. Just a couple of touch points, make sure she agrees to the amount and secondly, you are sincere in saying that she can do with it as she wants.
Suit
P.S. If you are ever get down to Melbourne, please let me know. I want to have a drink with you.
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Quote: Andrew, that is excellent to hear. Just a couple of touch points, make sure she agrees to the amount and secondly, you are sincere in saying that she can do with it as she wants.
She was the one that proposed the amount and it includes enough for her to pay the rent all living expensses and have enough left over to go out and buy herself a few things. The thought behind doing it like this is that she is 'in control' of herself. I am going to run it through the company over here to further take away any feeling that she is living on handouts from me.
It is completely up to her what she does with it and for all intents I will wrote it off. Now saying that I am waiting for the first tme where she blows the months budget in two weeks . Definately something she has done before.
Quote: P.S. If you are ever get down to Melbourne, please let me know. I want to have a drink with you.
Mate sounds great. I am planning in getting down there after Christmas for a couple of meetings. Ill bring a good bottle of scotch with me or whatever else you would prefer.
Anyway I have organised some more survival money and things were much more comfortable today with W. So still have my flights booked for the 18th and I am looking forward to getting away from here for a few weeks.
Hope all are well
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Just thought Id leave a post to let people know I am still alive and kicking.
Things are still moving along but I have more confidence now then ever that my M will survive. We had a blow up a while ago but in the long run it was probably good for us.
The bad news is that I didnt make it back to Australia for Christmas and I am still in India. The business funding still hasnt come through although we have two proposals from investors. I cant leave here until this is done and sorted out and if I did go back now I would have no option other to sell everything and hopefully avoid bankruptcy. Oh well that is life.
But through this my wife has been very supportive. She spent Christmas alone by herself, had a few tears but has kept supporting me. While she doesnt like me being here she says that she understands and I can tell that she is genuinely missing me as I am her.
I know in myself I have to make a hard decision soon about what I do over here. I am waiting here for an email from on of the potential investors saying that he is in agreement (he told me over the phone 2 days back he is but I want to see it in writing). if this happens I am off to Dubai on Monday and will hopefully have it complete by the end of next week. Anyway there is nothing more I can do with this except hope that it comes together.
I am just looking forward to getting home for a bit and being with my W. We talk at least twice a day and things are getting very comfortable in our interactions. I do feel for her, she has to handle all of the creditors we have in Australia which include 5 notifications of court action. So she is under a lot of pressure and when she gets angry I know it is at the situation and not at me, so I treat it like this. I have found that we can now work through most things and in the long term being able to do this over the distance apart and with the difficulties we are facing makes me think that we can get through anything.
Anyway back to the grind stone for me - it has now been over six weeks since I have had a day off and I could really use a break.
Hope all is well with everybody.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
. Definately something she has done before.