I keep coming and going off of this board due to time and taking the time. Back to school with three kids was frightful and I am trying to adjust to having my husband 3/4 in our world 1/4 out. He sleeps here 5 of the 7 nights and we are both in therapy. Together and alone. About the only thing that isn't back in place is him saying I love you to me. I have only said it twice since the return......
My biggest obstacles are the fact that I still can't get over what I have been thru this past year and I feel like I almost have flashbacks of the year being apart and also just prior when he was nasty.
I never imagined how hard it would be to juggle a fragile marriage back together and work and take care of my 3 sons.
Has anyone had similar problems with letting their old pattersn screw them up or wanted to punish their spouse for what they did??
Things seem to really be on the up and up. My H and I couldn't have been handed anymore stress this September and although at times I backslide it is only momentary and I pull myself up and move on.
It feels so good to be healthy and to communicate to him in the right way. He is so much more open to discussion because I don't go on and on and on I say what I mean but don't say it meanly.
He is home now 6 of the 7 nights and the only thing left is to hear him say I love you which really doesn't matter in a way because the love was and is always there.
There really is nothing but love it is just that your ego mind or fault finder mind wants so much to find scrapes of evidence of bad behavoir on your spouses part so you can rag on them and feel bad about yourself.
I know that I am coming to a point where I could actually thank god for my seperation and the new life I have in front of me.
One hard thing lately is hitting our anniversary dates of when he was gone last year acting like a total weirdo. This is right around the time when he was really really deep in his crises. It is hard for me because I have flash backs of those times each time we hit a new even.
Any thought out there on how to quiet your mind when it is becoming destructive??
One hard thing lately is hitting our anniversary dates of when he was gone last year acting like a total weirdo. This is right around the time when he was really really deep in his crises. It is hard for me because I have flash backs of those times each time we hit a new even.
Any thought out there on how to quiet your mind when it is becoming destructive??
Abbe
I can completely relate to this...I'm at the year mark now (mainly sept - nov) of the worst part of h's crisis last year....ugh.
Whenever I find myself lapsing into negative memories, I quickly replace the bad image with a good one and repeat some positive thought to myself like "my h is loving. I can trust him. I can be loving to him, too".
Whatever comes to mind that's really positive.
I'm actually looking forward to the anniversary of DDay so that I can at least have year memories of DB'ing and rebuilding!!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
abbe I'm glad to read that you can think in a clear way and things are looking better. As for dates, the best thing really is to create new memories to replace those painful ones. WE will never completely forget those awful times, but once we start making up new memories they pretty much take the space of the old ones. Other things I did were making a scrap book of all positive things happening since the affair was over. I added every single thing, from movie and concert tickets, restaurant menus, little notes and cards, pictures. Anything that reminded me that things were going forward and that my relationship was being worked on. Then when - as it always happens - I had moments when I was feeling down, I would just get that scrap book and it was easier to shut out those painful memories. I guess anything that works is worth a try. Ech person has different things that can help take painful memories of our minds. Hope you find what works best for you soon Hugs nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Thanks for your kind responses. It always seems when we let our negative emotions run the show we are headed for trouble. My therapist thinks I should journal my angry thoughts and emotions because he agrees that H isn't ready to face what he did last year to me or to the kids.
Meanwhile he continues to have this black bag that he carries around in the event that he doesn't sleep here but every night he is here. I guess he is still afraid to commit to being home for good end of story. But slowly the cloths and shoes and dreams are returning.
The man that used to be is back straightening up the garage etc. For one year he didn't lift a finger to punish me when he was gone........
It is true, usually letting the anger go without thinking first tends to get us quite a few steps back instead of forward. I am lucky, because I tend to always think before charging, but I had my moments too The black bag thing reminds me of when during the first affair my H had his suitcase in the car for almost a month. We had had our first big blown up when by accident I found him and the ow coming out of an hotel room - and I mean by accident, swear! - and he just rushed home ahead of me packed the suitcase and left. He actually came back the same day and never really left, but the dar suitcase was in the car for so long!!!! After a while I could see that he was as tired of having it there as I was of seing it there, but didn't want to show it - better break than bend , that's his motto and it was more so at that time. So when his uncle asked him to help him move some furniture to the cottage he was ready in 5 minutes and the suitacse home in 3 While he was helping his uncle I started unpacking his things ... what the &^#^^^$ ??? I don't know what he intended to do with what was inside but it was unusable: one pair of socks ( that didn't even fit him because they belonged to our son! ), his winter jacked ( we're talking August here! ) , a bunch of dress shirts, ( he never even wears them! ), and silly stuff like that. I'm not sure waht he was thinking when he packed but no wonder he hadn't left.. how could he with only that junk? LOL ANyway, a big hug to you and hang in there, things can only get better from here. nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Thanks so much for your input and funny story. Another tough night for me/us though. The kids are putting alot of pressure on our R. I need to work on not letting my stress with them leak out on us. Easier said than done.
If my H only had some of the skills in place already that I know our therapist is going to work on with him, like affection he could deflect alot of my hysteria. Either way we are both able to nip things in the bud and bounce right back. I think this is important because for the longest time I thought if he came back I was going to be held to this unrealistic perfect behavoir and I can see that he doesn't expect that at all.
He told me that he expects for me to "mess" up it is how I recover that he is most "watching" in a way.
Now wonder there are so many bad marriages out there with people walking around having no sense of these skills/
Thanks for your reply. I agree also that we all have been working so hard on this board that we sometimes are to hard on ourselves. If we don't expect forgiveness on a daily basis from our spouses than we won't be able to give it either.
I really thing that it was really thoughtful of your husband to realise he should expect some "mess" while all this is going. I'm afraid mine still looks like he expects me to be perfect. That might be part of the problem, he always expects me to be perfect, he expects me to deal with things better than him because I'm less impulsive, he expects me to always know how to say or do, because I tend to think before I talk, he expects me to be doing everything right, and being only human that is impossible. But he's getting the idea.. slowly:) Hugs nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
