It's a beautiful day here and I should be out in the garden planting bulbs and tidying up the beds, but I'm here with you guys instead - can you tell I'm addicted
H and I spent a lot of August away for long weekends etc and also the computer needed a complete overhaul. Not a very happy August and the less I could get here the more it all built up inside me so I felt I didn't really know where to start telling everything.
I just felt like I was back in old R, with H being uncommunicative, moody etc. I think most of it was due to him feeling very stressed about staying with other people and feeling very responsible for making sure the kids behaved well. Also he took time off work which he felt he couldn't afford so work stresses built up and built up. What I find very difficult with H is that he can't handle much stress and when he is stressed he goes very quiet and withdrawn on me even when it's not me causing the stress. I find that difficult to handle. He doesn't seem to want me to help him and I just end up feeling rejected and out of the loop. I also end up back-stopping on everything else, but I never get any thanks for that.
Things are getting a little better again now. Yesterday H called me Love-of-my-Life which is fantastic. But I didn't feel I could say the same to him. Don't know if I ever will.
Here is a quote from LL's post which hit home for me.
Quote:
is it safe to assume that when most of you got married...things were good? you were "in love" with eachother, you we're friends etc? ...
... I could accept his shortcommings because I could at least say to myself...he's honest, he dedicated, he's compassionate, he's loyal, he's ambitious, and he's a hard worker.
While my own situation is not identical to that, I knew when I first got together with H that the love was a decision on my part (yes right from the very beginning). Somehow although DB tells us that we should see love as a decision I wish at some point it had just been a feeling something I could look back on and think - yes we were there once we can be there again.
I feel I sold myself short when I married H. I had been hurt by previous break up. Hurt by stuff with my Dad too I guess and I just felt at that time I wasn't worthy of anything better.
OK Stop this negative thinking.
I do remember (although I can't remember why or how) that about a year before we decided to have kids (we were together 9 years before deciding to go for it). I did feel so crazy in love with H that I felt almost selfish keeping it all for myself. I felt like we had so much love for each other that there was more than enough to spare for kids. So what was going on then? I genuinely can't remember, I have no clue. I just remember this moment thinking that my heart would burst and that it was too much to just keep to ourselves alone. Maybe it was just broody brain chemistry?
This is a note I have written to H that I want to e-mail to him. What do you guys think?
Dear H, One of the things I have read about in divorce-busting is asking for what you want, so here goes:
I only want 3 things from my marriage to you:
1. Quality time (this part is going well)
2. Cheerfulness. In other words if you agree to do something do it cheerfully or not at all.
3. Sobriety. Please try to reduce your alcohol consumption. It's costing you your mental health and happiness not to mention money. Look at this issue seriously please
If you can do these things then I think we can have a long and happy marriage together like we both know we want.
Tell me how or if I can support you and if that includes butting out then please say so.
Please tell me the things you want most from me, and I can get to work on them. If you've already told me then I'm sorry for forgetting. Please write them down so I can't forget. One thing I'll never forget is that I love you.
Is this any good, does it sound too demanding? What does anyone think?
OK now to head out into the sunshine. Hope you are having a great Sunday.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Just got back from my weekend at VA Beach with a group of DB's. Had a wonderful time.
The only thing I saw that you could change is: "2. Cheerfulness. In other words if you agree to do something do it cheerfully or not at all." Maybe you could say, "......or tell me you do not want to do xyz."
My 2 cents. Tell me how it goes. I think the letter idea is great. nik
Just another thing to add to the mix. At the end of August after I got back from visiting my parents (they live in France) I popped in to see my sister. She asked me how things were going (re H and I) and I told her "not so good" and about how he had come home early from France. She then related it to her own sitch, where her ex-H would be up and down with her. She said every time things got bad again it was because OW was back in the picture.
This hadn't really occurred to me as part of the problem, but still I wasn't really concerned, because I do trust him and I am pretty sure he has given up OW for good. She has done too many mean vindictive things since he dumped her for him ever to go back there.
Anyway about a week after this conversation H asked me why I had asked my sister to try and find out if he was still seeing OW It turns out that she had asked her ex (who is business partner with my H) whether he thought H was seeing OW again.
Is she crazy? I am so angry with her for this. Luckily H and I were able to have a calm conversation about it and not let it get to us. He could have thought I was still harbouring suspicious thoughts about him when in reality I have totally forgiven him. I used to be total friends with my sister and we would tell each other everything. Just lately though I have found her to be untrustworthy and she passes stuff on to people who have no right to know. She is bitter about her own sitch and I know she felt a pang of jealousy when H and I managed to get back together after the bomb, I feel like all she wants to do is drag me down with her. I don't know what to do about this, whether to confront and ask wtf she thinks she was doing or whether to just let it lie and not trust her with anything again? I don't want it to turn into all out war with her, we mind each other's kids and stuff after all and anyway who wants a split in the family?
Fran (feeling miserable)
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
With the inquiry with ex-H, it sounds like your sis had her heart in the right place and was doing what she felt was looking out for you, even if her POV may be tainted some with her own bad experiences. Little do they realize how their best intentions can backfire.
Fran, like how you can't control H's actions, you can't control sis's either. With "I" statements, let her know you appreciate her trying to watch your back, but express how you hope what you tell her you is kept between just the two of you, then let it go. She is the one that has to make the choice on whether to respect your wishes or risk pushing you away. On your end, you can be more mindful on what you wish to share with her until you know what level of confidence you can regard her with.
Thanks for your wise words K. I will try and look at it from that point of view. Thank her for watching my back or something before requesting that she asks first before doing something to "help" me. I'm afraid it smacked of her knowing best to me, like she wanted to be proved right above all else. She is my younger sister but she never acts that way - . Still if I look at it from a positive angle before I talk to her then maybe we can keep the conversation that must be had on an even keel.
Thanks again
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Big row with H last night over his birthday (which was Sunday). It wasn't good enough. I know it wasn't good enough - I tried but failed miserably to make him feel special. I always fail at that one - not sure why. I feel like whenever I try to do something nice for him I get it wrong and end up making him feel worse. It's as though - he's thinking "is that the best you can do? Then why bother?"
Are his expectations too high? Or or mine too low, why do I always feel it is not necessary to make the big gesture, why do I always feel like XYZ is good enough and fall short of going the distance for him? I don't really understand the things that make him happy - I find it difficult to put myself in his shoes, see it from his side and work out what would really please him. Everytime I do try I get it wrong and end up feeling spurned and rejected. After 12 long years of having all my gifts, gestures, kindnesses etc turned down I start to feel what's the point? Some have suggested that it might be a self-esteem problem in him - that he doesn't feel worthy and therefore rejects my attempts to make him feel special. I wish I could think it was that simple, that kind of puts the blame on him and lets me off the hook. There is something in my behaviour that is not coming out right.
I am just spewing it all out here, I will get my thoughts more coherent later maybe.
not feeling good today
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Boy can I relate to this...my H is the same way. I'm not a big spender on gifts, etc., so ended up getting him pretty much the same thing year after year. The couple of times I did really go out of my way to get something nice, to me anyway to him it wasn't good enough. A few years ago I really thought I had the perfect gift, binocs, well they weren't exactly what he wanted, they weren't expensive enough is what it came down to, and so he took them back and bought something else that he wanted. And then there was the trip to Vegas that I got him for his B-day and HE didn't want to go, "he'd already been there" yeah 20 years ago. It's kind of hard to buy something for someone when you know it won't be good enough or they don't want it. Why bother was my attitude, also.
Maybe he doesn't feel special and no matter what buy it won't make him feel special. So just smile and spend the day making him feel special.
You know, gifts is one of my H's love languages. Yet he's so picky, I always found it hard to buy for him. And in my family, gifts were supposed to be a surprise.
I've finally learned that what really makes my H happy is if he gives me a list and I buy him things off his list! In fact, I think one of the reasons our R worked out is that last Xmas, I splurged and bought him EVERYTHING off his list, while the OW (whom he had split from but was still pining for) got him bupkis!
That was just it, I didn't make him feel special on the day. We didn't even sing Happy Birthday. What happened was the weekend before a friend of mine from way back phoned to say her mother had died. The funeral was due for this monday. She needed to stay with us as we are in the same neighbourhood her mother lived in and they live 3 hours drive away. So although I knew it would be H's birthday on the Sunday when they would be coming I couldn't exactly turn them down.
That was his peeve - that he would feel guilty getting uptight about it. Well he got uptight anyway. He was OK about the gifts just didn't feel as if he had spent the day being pampered. give me a break I have house-guests (with their kids) to organise for. He had gone away Friday night through Sunday morning on a charity sky-dive and left me with no car. So how exactly was I supposed to organise all this extra special stuff for him? I thought the sky-dive trip would be excitement enough especially that I didn't gripe at all about him leaving me on my own with the kids and no car. He thanked me for that before he left so he must have realised what it took.
To me if nice stuff happens around the day of my birthday I am not too bothered if the actual day isn't all that special.
I feel bad that we didn't at least sit round the table and sing happy birthday at dinner - we should have done that.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
which is fantastic. But I didn't feel I could say the same to him. Don't know if I ever will.
I had been hurt by previous break up. Hurt by stuff with my Dad too I guess and I just felt at that time I wasn't worthy of anything better.
It turns out that she had asked her ex (who is business partner with my H) whether he thought H was seeing OW again.
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