I actually thanked H for dropping the bomb!!!

[Teach]

Hi. I hope everyone is doing well!

I'm sitting here in so much pain from being sun-burned!!

We've been here three years (Hawaii) and hadn't spent much time at the beach because my youngest wasn't ready for it yet. So, the last couple of weekends we've been going to different beaches, trying some snorkeling. Of course, when one of us goes out to snorkel, the other stays with the kids nearer to shore or on the sand.

We've seen such beautiful fish! It's so amazing swimming with schools of tropical fish. I never snorkeled until recently, and I'm so glad I did.

I have noticed that since my H dropped the bomb last year, and I got my butt in gear getting a life, I've become more outgoing! I don't care what people think of me, if you like me fine, if not OH WELL! I used to be SO insecure! But after forcing myself to change, I have found that I LOVE MY LIFE!! I love being independent, secure in my marriage, social, etc.

I've been at a standstill losing weight, still have forty pounds to go. Still walking every day. I'm going to try something else to kick start it again, maybe carbo-addicts? Not sure yet. Anyway, I've changed so much. I used to be so unsure of myself, insecure, etc. I'm still a bit insecure, but not at all like I used to be. I wouldn't take off my shirt at the beach, get naked in front of H, now I do.

Anyway, H and I had such a great time with each other and with the kids the other day after one of our snorkeling outings that I initiated an R talk. I THANKED him for dropping his bomb on me. It has actually made me a better person, a stronger person! I know that I am a great person, and if anything would ever happen to end our M, I'd be OK!! I told him that I think it was the best thing that happened to our M because it caused me to take a hard look at myself (not just at him) and I made some positive changes and now I am happier than I've been in a LONG time. The changes that I made just made H make the changes that I wanted him to make long ago! He now wants to spend lots of time with me, showers me with affectiion, etc.

I also thanked him for not walking out when he dropped the bomb. He had the chance to leave and not live at home during our "separation". I think that would have been the death of our M. Thankfully, he stayed in the house with us, and saw all of my changes. He also knows that changes I made were for me, and that I'm happy with my life now, I didn't do it all for him. But, it certainly helped save our marriage!

Jill

[optimist]

Hi Jill

I am glad things are going so well for you two. And frankly I also think my marital problems have made me a better person (not the way I would have chosen to grow up though). But it looks like I need much more work.

How did you keep yourself from backsliding into old behaviors? I am having a lot of trouble trusting again.

Thanks

[Teach]

Hi. You can ask anyone here, I backslid many times!! I still have some moments when I do, but now I try to keep it to myself instead of making it an issue.

Trust is a hard thing to regain, in my opinion. I was so insecure and untrusting b/4 the bomb when H didn't give me any reason to mistrust him, that after he dropped the bomb, the only thing that changed in my mind was "oh, now he's proven that I shouldn't trust him".

My insecurities and mistrust came from an abusive first marriage, and I carried a lot of baggage into this marriage (I didn't fully realize it until after the bomb).

Anyway, I trust my H as much as I can right now. For me, that's a lot. Given that I always thought he'd hurt me b/4 the bomb, I've come a long way.

I still have moments when I get upset and think that he'll have another EA (never had a PA, but EA bad enough), especially when he goes away so much for the military. I think that the more secure I am in myself, and the happier I become with myself and my life, the more trust I gain for him.

I don't know if that makes sense or not, but that's what I've found. It's so hard to trust again, but you just have to choose to do it, if not, I don't think the marriage will endure. When thoughts creep into my head about the EA, and will he do it again, etc., I remind myself that I'm living in the here and now and things are great, no reason not to trust him now. If I let myself dwell in the past, the trust will not last. I don't know how to make this more clear for you, I'm sorry. It's hard to explain what I feel and how I trust.

I think that in a normal relationship (without going into it with all of the emotional baggage I had), you give someone your trust the first time, it's all new and they haven't really "earned" it yet. Over time, you realize that you can truly trust this person and be confident in that. When this person betrays your trust, it's gone. They have hurt you to the very core of yourself, and I don't think anything can hurt worse then realizing that this person that you trusted more than anyone in the world did this to you. You have to start from scratch, but the problem is that you've got this lingering memory of what this person did to you, so that makes it very hard.

It takes so much time to work past that, and so much time to truly realize that you trust this person with your heart again. I guess you also have to remember that things are different now, you are two dif. people who are changing and working on saving your marriage. You are not, and never will be, the same people you were before, and your marriage will never be the same. But, it will be a better marriage for all that you've learned.

It's just hard, that's all there is to it. Very hard, but it can be done.

I truly feel that my H will not hurt me again, and will not betray my trust, BUT, who knows? You never know. You just have to trust in the here and now.

Sorry if I've confused you, I just tried to put it into words as best I could.

Jill

[optimist]

Thank you for your answer, Jill. No, you have not confused me. Actually your answer inspires me. I guess I am trying to convince myself that it is possible to trust again even if it takes years to build that trust. I find that paradoxically it was somewhat easier when he did not live with us (our D age 4 and me) because I did not care so much about the outcome. I mean I had mentally prepared myself for the end and planned our life after the divorce and started going out and stuff. And now I am a coward again...

To be perfectly fair to my H, he is doing a lot of little things to help. Not all that I want and think he needs to do but quite a few things. I may be too impatient. We were separated for months nd have been back together only 3 weeks.

Try aloe vera lotion for the sun burns... Works for me

Maria

[sad_n_lonely]

Hi Jill,

I had to respond because my H walked away for the 2nd time because of this very issue...trust. I wish I had seen this post a few months ago. You are so right and very wise about it. It really helps me to see your viewpoint. Did you work on your issues by yourself or did you go to a C? I tried to do it alone, but obviously not lasting results. Again, thanks for the post...I needed to see something on this matter.
~~~Debi

[hoping]

Hi Jill..I am so happy for you..I know the feeling of liking yourself more now..I too, have been pretty reserved and insecure..a few years ago as I lost weight I became more sure of myself..I wonder if that threatened my h in any way..but he always has let me do my own thing,so it shouldn't. I feel much stronger because of the s..my h did move out..he needed the space..so I respect him for that.. right now we are pretty much the same as the past 10 mon..friends..do family things..talk..but nothing as far as our m..I am hoping he is thinking about it..who knows, I know I will survive...keep doing your thing..it is working great for you. The weight thing is a bummer...I am on Weight Watchers...I feel like diets don't work...it has to be a life change..just like the rest of what we are doing..good luck in all you do!!!


Sue