I can’t figure out how you had a confrontation with my friend and then weeks later, still pretending it never happened. You really need to work on this passive aggression with me. It’s not okay and has never been okay. And not only controlling me but trying to control my friend? And then saying nothing, taking no accountability- leaving it to me to bring up? I’ve done everything that I can do to be kind and patient with your process, as you continue to be stubborn and controlling. I’m so over it, and cannot wait to be divorced.
Well she's clearly angry. Try not to take the bait in some of the things.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am considering what my action and path forward is. What am I able to do about her message?.
I can't find your old thread but you have been at this two years and you don't bring it up the word "divorce" often. Where are you in the divorce process? Do you have a lawyer? Are you stalling on any of the process?
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I have gotten good legal advice and I am certainly realistic and ok with divorce now. I haven’t retained a lawyer but I’m hopeful we can come to an agreement and then I would have L look things over before signing. We have been slowly negotiating separation of assets by email.
I have had legal advice conversations with L from the start and I did have one this time last year correct. I don’t have them on retainer at present but can arrange for them to look over documents before i sign,
I have had legal advice conversations with L from the start and I did have one this time last year correct. I don’t have them on retainer at present but can arrange for them to look over documents before i sign,
This is what I did. Though it may not fit all situations for sure. A little snooping on my part and I was much smarter on the law and finances than XW so I was sitting pretty good for negotiating with a reasonably cooperative WW who just wanted out to pursue OM in her passive aggressive way. I did refuse to sign anything or make the final mediation appointment until I had a legal review with a family law L recommended by a work friend. The L helped me understand the risks in the mediated documents based on several decades of L work. I ended up making very few changes.
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H:55 XW:50 D20, D18, S14 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24, D 9/16/24
Some progress. She told me she met with a divorce coach and found out how expensive things can get if we go through lawyers and court. She seems motivated and i think will be open to negotiating.
She has seemed to be focused on smaller sentimental items (not the house and not the pension/investments), telling me what things of ours were gifts to her. I have packed these things up for her.
Update: D’s wedding approaches with all the excitement, preparations and anticipation.
I have been participating and giving my support with those plans along with other family and friends. It is gong to be so much fun.
My health is good. Doing what I know I need to maintain my mental and physical well being. Still hiking, running, lifting weights, dancing and playing sports. Working with my dr and nutritionist to optimize my health management.
Another tragedy has struck close to home (I am not able to disclose details) and that is having an impact.
I am doing well with work and staying afloat financially. My financial advisor helped me make some good pension and investment moves that will be of benefit whether the M reconciles or not. Things are a very tight for me looking after myself, my son, my home and taking care of family needs as well.
I am supporting my aging parents with decisions and practical help with their needs.
She and I continue to negotiate. I am treating it as a business deal and keeping my emotions out of it while encountering significant expressions of emotion from her.
She has proposed that I keep the house (my hope) and she keep the pension and investments. This is a good deal for me. I am just not quite at the stage of being able to qualify for that size of a mortgage yet with my present income. Once we do agree on a deal that I can live with, I will have L look it over before I sign.
Interestingly of late she has said to me, “I didn’t realize I was leaving when I moved out. I though I was going for a week,” and “I have been defending you to my friends, saying you are a good man.”
Interestingly of late she has said to me, “I didn’t realize I was leaving when I moved out. I though I was going for a week,” and “I have been defending you to my friends, saying you are a good man.”
Not sure why you give any thought to these details. She’s still living rent free in your head. If my ex wife said those things, I’d say “oh well, bad luck for you” and wouldn’t give them a second thought. What she thinks of you or says to others about you seems to still affect you.
We established several years ago this woman is an idiot, not sure why her opinions matter? Should be a business transaction at this point.
Also agree with DNJ challenging you over your interaction with OM, and disagree with the comments that you’re allowed to react at him the way you did because have emotions and detest him.
I agree you can hate him. And you can have emotions. But telling him what he can and can’t do or confronting him in public is not good DBing. You can hate someone and completely ignore their existence. I see OM #4 from time to time and couldn’t give a sh*t. Just ignore and get on with my life. If he sat next to me at a restaurant, I couldn’t care in the slightest.
Of course your behaviour got back to your ex wife, and I don’t disagree with some of the comments she made. On the one hand you portray this image of a zen, calm, moving on man roaming around the mountains… and yet you’re telling people where they can and can’t eat?
Lots more work required. You can hate him, but you control no-one other than yourself.
Would it motivate you to work on your emotional control if I told you that you rewarded your ex wife by having a go at OM? When he told her about the interaction, I guarantee it would have brought a smile to her face knowing she got to you. It’s sort of like training dogs - any attention is good in their eyes, and so when she heard you had a go at OM, she got her dopamine hit. That’s why she texted you about it, she wanted you to know that she knows you still get affected by him and her.
Imagine if you’d completely ignored him, and then he’d gone back to her and said “he didn’t even notice me there.” That would have been a much bigger hit to her ego.
You can’t feign indifference. Indifference shows through your actions, and when you do it long enough and she realises she can’t get to you (like the baited text messages), eventually she’ll give up.
