Hi, I am at my wits end. My husband of 9 years will not come near me. He says he loves me, but is not in love anymore. We are seeing a C and I am practicing LR, but his unwillingness to have a physical relationship with me is driving me nuts! I feel like he will never remember what it feels like to be close if he keeps shutting me out. I am trying so hard to stay on track, and we are relating better day to day, but I dont see any change in his lack of desire. I know he is not having an affair, but he has always been the one with a higher sex drive. He says that I beat it out of him over the course of our marriage. I need some advice how to get through this....I feel ugly, worthless and hopeless......
I'm so sorry to hear about what is happening with the physical part of your relationship. It can be such an important part of the closeness you have with your partner, and it can seem so devastating to lose it. However, I do think that you should remember that was lost can be found once again. There may be some ways to get to where you want to be, and we're here to help you find some solutions!
First of all, tell us more about your relationship with your husband. What were things like when all was well, and where do you think that things turned around?
What are your C sessions like? What are some of the goals that you're working towards during them?
Let's start with this for now, and see where we can go from there!
JJ
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JJ, My relationship started out amazing. My husband has always been my best friend. I think things started to change after some some stressful life events (birth of our daughter, death of my brother, and breakup of my parents marriage), that caused me to lose focus on the relationship and take him for granted. Because of my own pain and stress, I failed to notice his, and worse, I believed him when he said everything was fine. I few months ago, he dropped the bomb that he has actually been unhappy for some time and didnt know if he could stay married to me. I was blindsided to say the least, but now understand how it happened and the things I needed to do to improve myself. The problem is, nothing I do seems to make any diffence. We are getting along much better due to DB techniques that I have been using, but it feels like he made up his mind that he doesn't know who I am anymore.... Our C sessions are not really productive frankly.....I mean, it gets us talking about issues, but doesn't seem to resolve things. I am wondering if I should start going by myself (husband already has his own C). I think I may have caused him to have MLC, which has meant some really good changes in his life except for the fact that he is no longer in love with me! I adore this man, and will do anything to save our family....we are both rather young (I'm 28, he's 33) and we have overcome so many obstacles....I won't give up now! For the most part, we do not discuss R, unless he brings it up, and after a few weeks of desperate begging and falling apart, I finaly found Michelle's book (thank God!) and it was like she had been in the room with us! I immediatly started using LR....My H has not read the book (I've had that backfire with other books)but see the principles of it making our day to day life much more pleasant....but I want the passion. I want a husband, not a roommate. Which is ironic becuase I know I made him feel like the roommate for a long time. Patience has never been something I was good at, but I am having to learn.... I just dont know if "pleasant" is really better, or how we will ever move beyond that if he is so closed to having any physical connection (he doesnt even initiate hugs)? Any advice from you guys just might save my sanity!
Hey kj! More questions for you! (you'll find I have a LOT of them!! )
My relationship started out amazing. My husband has always been my best friend.
This is always a great place to start with. Whenever you find yourself trying to find ways of making the future better for the two of you, draw on some of your experiences from the past. Things that can help you to re-create the better times.
We are getting along much better due to DB techniques that I have been using
What are some of the DB techniques that you have been using that makes you feel that you are getting along much better? What do you see as being "better", and how do you think that HE sees things as being better?
Our C sessions are not really productive frankly.....I mean, it gets us talking about issues, but doesn't seem to resolve things.
Personally, I don't believe that "resolving issues" is always an important part of solving your relationship problems. There are sooooooo many issues and problems that never get resolved over the course of time in a relationship. What matters most is how you deal with them.
What are some of the issues that the two of you deal with the most, and how are your currently handling them? When have the two of you been able to deal with issues in the most successfull way in the past, and what were you each doing then?
Be careful of using the LR. It might not be what you want to do at this time, unless there's a lot more to your story. If you distance yourself from him too much, it might reinforce that "roommate" feeling in him, which it doesn't sound like you want to do at this time.
Keep posting, kj! It sounds like we have a lot of things to work with here, and that you have some good reasons to stay hopeful about your situation!!
JJ
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JJ, Thanks so much for your responses! As far as what I have been doing, I've been backing off, not chasing, not pushing, and trying not to complain. I stopped saying I love you all the time and Ive stopped being so controling. It seems like I have taken pressure off him by not always asking him to "Decide what he wants" like I had been doing. My H is a great guy who wants to do the right thing for everyone, but doesnt know what that is right now. Our relationship has always consisted of alot of bickering, but nothing serious. My H bottles his feelings until they blow up, something he is workling on. He IS going to C and he IS still at home, but I feel like he wants a magical bolt of lightning to tell him if we can be OK again. He spent a lot of years feeling like I took him for granted and diminished his feelings, which is probably true....But I have made huge strides in becoming a better person/partner and just want to see some hope from him. He says that he is done trying becuase he already tried everything and is tired....but honestly, while he may have been trying, I didnt know things were bad for him - once I understood that, my behavior changed drasticly, but it seems like too little too late. It does seem that LR has been helpful in reducing stress around our house....I think he apppreciates the space, but I just dont know how to bring spark back while being so laidback and almost aloof about our relationship? Granted, Im sure this behavior is much more attractive than the pleading, sobbing threatening I was doing when I first found out that he was considering leaving but..... I dunno, I just dont know how to step it up.
I think that some of the "LR" stuff you're doing is good.
If you pressure him into making a "decision" about what he wants, you might push him into something that neither of you want. If he sees what you say to him as "deciding" what is the "right thing" for him to do, or as your controlling his decision, your efforts aren't going to take you very far.
Most of us here have wanted that "magical bolt of lightening" to tell us that it's "ok" again. However, we don't often get struck by it. Good relationships don't happen by chance, they are a product of effort.
From what you have written here so far, it sounds like your husband might want to take the steps, but just doesn't know where his feet should go. By being here and learning some stuff, this is where you can take the lead!!
When he says that he has "tried everything", there may still be other options available that neither of you have thought about so far!!
You say that he bottles up feelings until he blows up. What happens then between the two of you? How do you react when he blows up? What's it like when he does this, what do YOU do during these times?
How do you "make up" after these times? What helps to get the two of you back together?
I'm going to be hitting you up for some goals for your relationship here pretty quick, so you can see what direction you want to head!! So be prepared, and start thinking about them!!
JJ
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JJ, My H had this pattern where about every 3 months he would freak out and say that he was miserable and that I was not pulling my weight...then by the next day, he would say everything was fine again. I learned to attribute these outbursts to moods, but have since learned that he wasnt fine, but was trying to convince himself that things were better....It was a horrible cycle of miscommunication. So while things seemed to resolve themselves through time - they never really got resolved. I am now consistantly doing the things that I know now are really important to him. In the past, I never understood how little things could matter so much, but now I know that I dont have to understand it to do it. I dont think he trusts the changes I've made or whether he even wants to. I have spent a long time apologizing for the mistakes I have made and dont feel like that made anything better, so I have tried to show him how commited I am to making him happy , now that I understand how truly unhappy he was. The problem is, I am rather controlling by nature and it is so hard for me to feel so out of control...I need to feel like I am making steps forward or else I slip into complete insanity and paranoia. Any advice you have would be much appreciated. Thanks!!!!
Here is a thought I had while reading your posts...he seems to have little ability to negotiate his needs. He feels miserable and bottles it up for months at a time and then explodes. Most of us, when we are unhappy can voice it and take action toward solving whatever issue is bothering us. Some, though, never learn how to do that. His sense of hopelessness over what to do next comes from a lack of negotiating skills maybe.
He may feel that over the years he has stood up for himself and attempted to get what he needed but he really hasn't. Angry outbursts releases resentment but doesn't solve any problems. His confusion comes from knowing there is something wrong but being unskilled at how to solve it.
I can understand your feeling of being out of control. I'm sure, with your personality you want to fix things or at least want to feel as if you are working toward a solution instead of waiting for him to. I think there are things he needs to learn that you can help him learn. It honestly sounds like to me that when the man is faced with unpleasantness and negotiating his way around it and through it he is lost. You might try teaching him some good negotiation skills by starting with small things that occur in daily life. Do some reading on learning to negotiate in relationships and then use things that come up in your everyday life to teach him better skills. Non-relationship issues of course.
You are lucky that he is still at home and communicating his feelings with you. I think there are things you can do that will help him learn that he doesn't have to feel hopeless when it comes to dealing with his feelings and will also have a positive effect on his feelings as far as the relationship goes. You seem to be working so hard and in productive ways to change some bad behaviors of your own. That is a great start, maybe you will be able to help him change some of his own bad behaviors. Cathy~
When your h seems to cover things up the next day, go on with "business as usual", it almost sounds like there's either some guilt, or dissatifaction, about how things go when he finally does let loose.
What's the typical scenario when he finally does vent to you? How do these conversations go? How do they start, and how do they end? What goes on in between the start and finish?
What do you and he typically say, and what do you and he typically do?
Again, Cathy gave you some great things to consider.
JJ
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I am right there with you. Similiar if not identical problem. I tried to hug him today and he pulled away as if he was grossed out by me, and told me he didnt know how he feels, he isn't happy, and suggested we live apart. We have 3 small children and he is in the middle of a extremely busy career. I think his career is his self image. I'm so desolate. Very, very sad. Don't know how to handle it. I havenot cheated, and have tried to do the right thing, dinner, which he's rarely home for, kids all my responsibility. He told me he's not a great father and he knows hes not a great husband, that if I told him I was madly in love w another person he'd be happy for me. My heart is breaking.
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