Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[Valeska19]

All of us are unsure why H has pulled away to this degree. H isn't sending breadcrumbs. And then D's question of "Is he still with that lady" tells me she is sitting on the porch awaiting his return, while trying to live her life. Heartbreaking.

Is it typical for a clingy boomerang to become a vanisher?

I think it's typical for most people to avoid discomfort. It's not a natural trait rather than learned. Shame and hurt are not easy feelings to process on either side. Sitting in other people's anger of your actions is emotional maturity and it's hard to expect that from him at this time.

I've really considered filing for D. And then I realize that not much will change. I'll still live here. I'll still be responsible for my things. I'll still pay my way through life. I'll still be a mom, daughter, friend, sister and so on.

How many years will I be set back financially? How many more years do I need to work? Will he expect alimony? What does retirement look like? Do I keep or sell the roof over my head? Is there a mature man out there for me? And, how will S and D process me making the decision when they've held onto hope?

These questions have begun to weigh on me as I anticipate needing to start the season of reaching out for business things in Dec.

I think these are all really good conversations to have with oneself. Without emotion... marriage is a contract between two parties. If one violates the contract - usually there is a consequence. Looking into a legal separation to protect your assets, although emotionally painful, is a wise move from a business perspective. Perhaps it's time to look into that with the support of not your children rather perhaps a good friend?

Will D bring me closure? answers?

For me - there was a finality to it that allowed me to let go. Closure came to me much later. I was divorced in 2012... and I burned all of my wedding photos/cards/and sold my ring in 2020. When I had my burn party - it was like reading a story. It was very strange.

Answers still continue to come. I think that's because I had another relationship that recently ended and I think people just do what they feel is best for them. Rightly or wrongly really isn't the point. Do I wish either happened... I do not. Does it hurt that they do not choose me - it does. But I have also let go of people in my life - and I know it hurts them.

2 years is really a short period of time. You have done so much for yourself but the journey is still relatively young. You will continue to let go on your own timeline for your own reasons.

[grok]

It's been a couple months since I've journaled. Work has kept me busy - both the paying work and the homeowner work. I'm thankful that I enjoy both kinds. Both are rewarding.

Welcome back!  And I find similar... as the immediate crisis subsides and life around me takes over (camping with S13, schoolwork review with D18, how to do an oil change with D12,...) the priorities shift.  The need to vent, to question, to ask for help, ... slows.  

Yet still, for me, I feel the need to write a post to process all I'm experiencing.  It helps connect the details and to find the "arc" of the story.  It comes and goes as events happen.  And as low level long duration cycling does it's dance.

So wonderful you are able to still connect with H's family with a wedding.  So often those connections go away also.  

And sad with the dogs.  And for H's disconnection from S and D.   I have often thought on how much harder it would be on mine if XW had disconnected even further than she has.  Re-affirming what I have read in books/testimonies on the lifelong effects ...  we do what we can. As V says -

You know the way XW left was not ideal. How she is handling her life... is far from responsible. This has an effect on your kids all differently and can change throughout their life times.

This lighthouse isn't saving ships.

I'll disagree here.  Expand the lighthouse to more than H.  It will have lifetime effects on saving the ships of S and D.  AND YOU!  Being the lighthouse is part of making yourself into who you are now.

Wise vets have repeatedly said that I'll know when/if he's pulled through MLC. I'm digging for patience.
...
If you love someone, let them go.

I always think of the quote from the movie Swingers. Watch the clip on Youtube sometime. It lines up with DB principles, and lines up with many of the reconciliation stories I've read here.  

"You can’t do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back … At first you’re going to pretend to forget about her, you’ll not call her, I don’t know, whatever … but then eventually, you really will forget about her … (and) that’s the thing, somehow they know not to come back until you really forget."

I don't need him to play the husband role.
...
he continues to not share with me. S shares with D. GF shares with D....and in turn, I learn.
...
S is growing. D is growing. Both are confused and miss their dad.

The old roles are gone.  Destroyed.  S, D, AND you are growing into new roles without H/dad.   The new configuration demands growth and a re-arrangement.  A re-balancing of life.

And then I realize that not much will change.
...
I'll still be a mom, daughter, friend, sister and so on.
...
Will D bring me closure? Answers?

 

No.  Though as Valeska19 says, "there was a finality to it that allowed me to let go" 

It helped me focus on ME as father, son, friend, brother and so on.  

And all your questions.  I know my version of them.  I ask myself - do I need to answer now?  CAN I get to an answer? Is it in my control?  Will it help my life to spend my emotional and mental energies, my time, on these things?  

Usually the answer is no, it won't help me do anything but swim in fear and unhappiness.  I take a deep breath.  Let the feelings pass over and through me.  

Then only I remain.

But 

Still 

Sometimes

feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.

g

Outside In - Circle of Dust

It's hard for me to face that so much time has passed
And all the things that went away were those I thought would last
It’s hard to look into the mirror dark within
And not embracing the reflection there may be my greatest sin

Sometimes I feel I'm on the outside looking in
It's like I'm watching someone else living in my skin
Hope has stained my heart in vain, I'm drowning in my sin
Sometimes I feel I'm on the outside looking in
Outside looking in

[grok]

Connecting the threads of thought and heart. Across years and persons. Different yet the same.

If you love someone, let them go.

Letting go releases a whole new kind of grief.. but you will get through it.

https://forum.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2521950#Post2521950

g