Hey Josh. I know it is hard to not respond to jabs from our partners like some of what W threw at you. Been there, done that. At first, it feels good to "win" when you do because you have a better or quicker comeback. In the end, it doesn't help the situation at all and can make your W expand her affair activity, go harder for "blood" in any D settlement, and so on.
I agree with what others have already stated above, especially Kind. She's not saying things to you that require a response, so don't respond. At best, you may borrow a few phrases from the "Validation Cheat Sheet" resource on the Newcomers page here. Some that come to mind here include:
1. "I can see how it would feel that way" 2. "I am gonna have to think about that a little more" 3. "I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less emotional about this"
In a follow-up to Kind's suggestions that you at some point say things like "I've said all I need to say" you could lead into that by saying you are making decisions that our best for your well-being and, from your perspective, the well-being of your children". She's fired you as a husband and, while you need to compromise and co-parent, it doesn't mean you just grant her request for primary custody and the like. Also when my W similarly suggested I "exonerated" myself of any wrongdoing, my DB coach suggested I tack on "I know I contributed to what got us here and am working to avoid repeating those actions" or something like that. The focus is on YOU and not her, as Kind suggests.
If you can't reach an agreement, eventually a mediator or judge will do it for you (not ideal). So, think hard about what is best for you and your kids. Write down an actual range reflecting your ideal goal is WRT the kids/custody on one end of a range. On the other end of that range, write down what the least is that you're willing to accept. Then, right in the middle (and possibly based on what a lawyer might tell you is likely to happen if it goes to a mediator or judge), jot down what is the most likely, reasonable outcome.
I strongly dislike your W dragging your 13-year-old into this discussion. That is 100% inappropriate. You may want to tell your W that, going forward, if she tries to leverage your kids in this way again, you will end the discussion.
Keep working at it. Remember, no matter the outcome, developing new behaviors will help you in the long run...and help your kids have a role model who can maintain a healthy relationship should act.
Though it's been 20 years or so since my last break up, they always bring out the fledgling poet in me. I wrote this in the middle of the night a few weeks back when I was in a darker space. It's titled 3:25.
Light through the window awakens my eyes A back yard porch light It's 3:25
The sun has not risen I've been rushing my days
Starting earlier Always moving A bit of a haze
Is it too early To jump in the ocean? I think from my bed
Will it help heal me And ease the commotion That stirs in my head?
What next then? Shower! Coffee! Walk! Work! Make a meal plan Get to the gym
Put on some music Cook up that plan Read a book And in bed again
W's first week at the apartment came to an end today. She agreed to sleep in G13's room but asked what we are going to tell the girls so I said, Dad doesn't want to sleep in the bed mom is having sex in probably doesn't work so what do you suggest? She replied, you're an ahole. So she's back in the house and started texting me an hour ago about how confusing it is for the kids and youre coming home at 6 and I'm cooking for you too when its my week?
I told her I would come home later after 7, have leftovers that I made the last two nights for the kids and me that I'll eat and I'll stay out of your hair to which she replied this only works for you. I responded with I can understand how it would feel that way.
Mom and dad love you very much . Sometimes people need to sleep in different rooms .
Rotate cooking each week for the children .
Be mindful how you are responding to her messages or if you should at all . The sex comment and you cooked last two nights sounds like you are taking digs at her . It’s not needed .
I went through same thing with cooking . My nights which are always more and the kids prefer moms dinners anyway . I cooked . Plated the children and myself . If H wanted to eat food was there . He could make his own plate if he wanted .
W slept in D13's top bunk last night but neither D13 or W slept well and W didn't set alarm so D13 was running late this morning. W wanted me to drive her to school but it's the opposite direction of where I need to go to get to work and I needed to get in early to make up for my week with the kids when I was going in late and leaving early (folks at work are aware of what's going on and supportive). So I just said this is your week and left.
D13 doesn't understand why I'm not "letting mom sleep in her bed" and W doesn't seem to have my back which is not surprising. So she said she's sleeping in our bed tonight regardless if I'm there or not. It's a king size bed so we can keep our distance but I know I won't sleep if she's there (last night was the worst sleep I've had in a while and I think it's just because she was in the house). I'm ok with being uncomfortable as you all suggest but I also think it might be better for the kids if I stay at the beach house the next two nights and come back on Saturday for kiddo's activities. I have plans in the city Saturday night and can use points to stay at a hotel near my plans as well. Work from beach house Friday/Monday and come back Tuesday evening after work.
Be mindful how you are responding to her messages or if you should at all . The sex comment and you cooked last two nights sounds like you are taking digs at her . It’s not needed .
I know, the sex thing was snarky. Of course she denies she is having sex with OM but I don't believe a word out of her mouth.
Last edited by DnJ; 01/15/2506:15 PM. Reason: Corrected quote syntax.
btw, how do you all copy parts of messages in call-out boxes in your replies? I was hoping my reply to Caligirl about the sex comment was going to do that but feeling a bit like a dinosaur on this technology!
Try going to the "Use Full Editor" and then push each of the formatting buttons. They will insert open and close formatting markers. You can see how to type in the formatting.
For quotes the open marker it [quote] or
Originally Posted by sometexthere
. The "sometexthere" will show up as a header of the quote of the form "Originally Posted by sometexthere"
The close marker is
geeking history -
This version of markup language is actually a dinosaur called UBB code . All variants of Standard Generalized Markup Language (SGML) from the 1980s
which resulted in a subset/profile Extensible Markup Language (XML) in the 1990s for structuring arbitrary data
and Hypertext Markup Language (HTML) as the basis for display formatting of web pages which uses XML for non display and linking functions.
Originally Posted by AI what is UBB?
UBB markup is a simplified markup language used to format messages in internet forums. It was created by Infopop in 1998 and is designed to be easier to learn than HTML. UBB markup allows users to add formatting such as bold and italics, and other information like emails and URLs, to their posts without needing to know HTML.
Here are some key points about UBB markup:
Tags are enclosed in square brackets, e.g., bold text for bold text.
If used incorrectly, UBB tags do not break the forum’s functionality, unlike HTML tags which can cause errors.
UBB markup works similarly to HTML tags; text is enclosed between opening and closing tags.
It can be used even when HTML is disabled by the forum administrator.
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
. All variants of Standard Generalized Markup Language (SGML) from the 1980s