Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

I’m glad D18 got to her event on time. Flat tires and such never happen at a good time. Just got to go with it. Good thing you left early in case of the unexpected.

Thinking on the fractures represented by events. Grandparents driving on their own. XW driving on her own. Me, with my three who didn’t want to go with grandparents, didn’t want to go with XW.

There is a lot of collateral damages in these situations. Some fractures never really heal.

Nice to see Grandma and Grandpa supporting their grandkids’ eduction. If I may suggest, have your kids write their grandparents and thank you letter. From my Mom’s experiences, she shares with me, the thank you and acknowledgements from my kids of the gifts and support over the years really warms her heart.

Hope you have a great weekend, and your dreams turn to other than tires.

D

[grok]

I am sure you know the answer to that question

He knows the deal

I like to think he does. I recognize it could be my ego. I am trying to be very careful about mind reading. Things I know. (After all, I was VERY wrong about where my XW's mind and heart were.) He was not interested in my views early on in this tragedy. My one attempt at talking about it was shut down:

G, "I know W has been talking to you about us. I don't know what you know or what she has told you."
XFiL, "You two will work it out." and left.

I am learning to observe behaviors and emotions instead of listening to the meaning of words. This goes against my natural inclinations as a logical person and military experience where clear and concise communications are required.

My parents pointed out it could be that I've always been the one to handle money. I tried to interest XW. It never worked.

There is a lot of collateral damages in these situations. Some fractures never really heal.

Showing the lie in adults saying, "It's OK. Kids are resilient."

I thought the analogy would be - Say I smashed your face in with a baseball bat...breaking all your bones. You go to the hospital for many weeks. You do heal ... though with scars and pains for the rest of your life. See!! You are resilient and can lead a good and productive life anyway, right?! Aren't you stronger now that you went through that?!

Nice to see Grandma and Grandpa supporting their grandkids’ eduction. If I may suggest, have your kids write their grandparents and thank you letter. From my Mom’s experiences, she shares with me, the thank you and acknowledgements from my kids of the gifts and support over the years really warms her heart.

Agreed! My thought was to have them write a thank you each time they expended funds for classes or whatever. A direct connection to what their generosity funded.

Hope you have a great weekend

Thanks DnJ, I claimed my weekend Joy

Joy - Kings Kaleidoscope

Standing in a river of my second guesses
Don't believe it when I'm praying to afraid to pray you'll stir the water somehow
....
I'm giving in
I'm ready to backdown
....
I'm giving in
Never looking back now
....
Down in my heart
Down in my heart (My joy again)
Down in my heart to stay

g

[MamaG]

Hey G - how's it going? Anything new?

[grok]

Hey MamaG, {{hugs}} and seeing again many parallels with your latest post.

Wow, has it been three weeks? Whew! Lots of bits and pieces to tell. XW behaviors and I'll need some feedback... A conversation yesterday resulted in a few "aftershocks" running through me. ... resisting the pull of my melancholy side.

Maybe I'll have the time and energy to tell the tale later this week as I'm on travel again. Clarksville, TN this time. An acoustic sensor that tells the operator what it hears and in which direction it is coming from...

Time and energy... yeah. Some weeks I more just focus in with me and mine. Sometimes not more to give...though I know I can't stay there. I met in person for a bit with the church pastor again and filled him in on how things were going since we last talked in person more than six months ago. As we talked I realized 80%+ was about my three children...when he pointedly asked, "G, but what about YOU? What can I do to help?"

I thought a bit. Peopling is needed. Especially building a wider net of men around me. So he introduced me to a member who has a motorcycle shop and a group who go riding at least once a month.

Now for the motorcycle. I did get the helmet and gloves after all. Perhaps it will be part of my ocean...

Some Say the Ocean - The Hip Abduction

Well I’m dreamin’ of a place far away
There’s something calling my name

And my heart is losing touch day by day
Need more than just an escape

Far from the city and dread
Somewhere that time don’t change

Some say the ocean
Under endless skies
Will bring you back to life
For the rest of time

Some say the ocean
Helps leave it all behind
Can even free your mind
A soul unconfined

give it a listen and let the feels flow out

g

ps. a reggae spin now. It started when the children and I went to the beach for the first time this year. Though I end up with diverse playlists. Mountain biking Saturday in the mid-day heat, 94F and 99% humidity, to a playlist Spotify generated and called: techno house balinese ibiza island music beach reggae local boating roots hippie

sometimes I have to laugh and roll eyes at myself

[grok]

A pleasant 4th at home with my three. Fireworks at home and the favorite still … lighting the bug spray on fire!

XW did not come by that evening at the curb to say goodnight to children.

A double rainbow on Sunday morning when walking big dog. The beauty of the in between.

I will Step into the changes and throw away the empty heart.

g

Anthem of the Lonely by Nine Lashes

It's harder to know
Just where to go
If only the stars aligned
The sunsets glowed
I don't need
A calm in a storm
Or something to scream about
With empty lungs

So I'll break it
Knowing what you said
The pain is what you make it
Sadly you are so mistaken
I will take you with a grain
And step into the changes
Throw away the empty heart

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Lighting the bug spray on fire! LOL. Gosh, I’ve not made that blowtorch in years.

I’m glad you and the kids enjoyed the 4th. Fireworks, food, and fun; I’m sure we’re all on the schedule.

Hope you and your’s are having a great summer.

D

[grok]

Thanks DnJ, Kinda quiet around here.

I have a few hours this Friday afternoon … where not much is going to get done for work until Monday … after an off-site working day of strategy discussions with new bosses … and XW is in my home with S13 … peaceful and quiet work spaces here to think and write.

So, I think I left off with I was going to need advice. I think I should have written stuff down sooner to remember more detail … and I have been meaning to summarize other XW interactions over the last few months to give context. Oh well. As Caligirl said to me, “don’t worry, the world keeps turning.”

Back on about a month ago on a Sunday evening I was in the kitchen working about three dishes simultaneously. D20 was out for the day with friends so D18 and I were preparing ready meals this week. Tunes grooving, I had just gotten things set for the next 20 minutes or so, when XW comes through the front door and over to the kitchen. I think to myself this is unusual.

XW, “G, can we talk for a few minutes?”
G, “Yes. Wait though.”

I check all my ongoing efforts. Decide they are all fine for 15 minutes or so.

Emotional appeal stage setting

I walk out the front door and she follows. I wasn’t going to have discussions in D13 or D18’s earshot.

G, “What’s going on?”
XW, “Well,... You know I've been trying to be responsible and work hard at S13's schooling. I started sending the weekly spreadsheet to you and D20 of topics accomplished each day of the week. It's to be accountable. I had been listening to a talk by a lady on the topic and she was talking about taking it serious just like you would a job you are paid for."

G earnestly, "Yes. I am glad to see the topics get covered. I did read your messages on what you planned for him and why. I had seen the same things you did." (several page long texts a month apart)

Appeal 1: See! I'm being responsible.

XW, "And it takes lots of time. I've been doing odd jobs between that and my second masters and trying to be an entrepreuer setting up my craft business. I've been doing lots of things wrong ... most things at first ... but I figure it out eventually! I know it's loosing a lot of money trying to be an enteprenure but even if it doesn't You know this has been my dream even before we met right?"

G gently, "Yes XW. I remember. all the way back."

Appeal 2: Have empathy and support for MY dream, the one you supported before...(over 20 years she accumulated ~$25k of supplies)

XW, "I have a spending problem. I've ... recognized that lately. We had this issue where I did this and you .... um, kind of the opposite. I keep taking out of fund XX to carry through a difficult month where I don't have many odd jobs. or pulling from fund YY temporarily. but I never end up refilling those funds. I'm going to send the $ZZ,ZZZ back to my parents and ask them to just send me $Z,ZZZ each month so I don't have it available. Ugh...that will be a fun conversation."

G, ... just a listening attentive sympathetic face. I mean, what do I say that is not accusatory? It has really become clear she is poor with money time horizons further out than two weeks or so.

Appeal #3: I'm admiting a fault and sort of appologizing for straining finances. You should feel good about me.

the ask

XW, "This is all making it hard to see how I can continue to educate S13. I don't have enough income. Would you be willing to maybe consider me like a governess or tutor for him? I mean I know I'm his mom ... but ... some sort of stipend or something. I treat it like a job. Without something I think we'll have to start looking at schools for him."

G, "XW, ... this is the reason why I agreed to alimony for 18 months in the first place. That is what it was for ... through D18 being on her own. You sent some of the payments back and asked me to apply it the debt on your minvan. I did so. There are four payments left. Right now I am going to leave it at that."

The Ask: pay me or S13 gets it. He's the "hostage puppy." NO mention of prioritizing him.

A little more small talk and then I said I have food cooking I have to get back to now, closing the conversation. There were three or four other emotion based appeals woven in the conversation, though these are the bigger ones.

feels

Yeah, after walking away back to food prep...the Feelings looped back through muted versions of all that has come before. Unbecoming.

I didn't have to decide right then. So I didn't.

Inital internal reaction was WTF and No and XW, You put Yourself in this situation.

Then I though to reframe.

For ME and S13. The only thing out of all that for ME ... is how do I want S13's school life to go? and what am I willing to do or pay to get it? I don't know the right answer right now. Another curveball.

g

Unbecoming - STARSET

And all that I was
I've left behind me

Eyes in the dead still water
Tried but it pushed back harder
Cauterized and atrophied
This is my unbecoming
Knives in the backs of martyrs
Lives in the burning fodder
Cauterized and atrophied
This is my unbecoming

Now, I await
This metamorphosis
All that is left is the change
Selfish fate
I think you made me this
Under the water, I wait

[DnJ]

Hello g

Yes, XW tossed you another curve ball. Sheesh, a governess or tutor. Oh my. She’s out in left field, IMHO.

Initial internal reaction was WTF and No and XW, You put Yourself in this situation.

My reaction too!

My two cents, leave the settlement as is. No extra payments to XW. Figure out what you need to do to provide son with the education you want him to have.

Good on you. You didn’t need to decide or choose right then, and you didn’t.

D

[DnJ]

Thanks DnJ, Kinda quiet around here.

Yes, the forum has some lag and drop out issues which translate into frustration and less use.

However,

A new website and forum has been built. I took the new forum for a spin and it works really good. Nice and responsive. (lol sounds like I’m critiquing a sports car.) Same look just retooled/upgraded database. Anyhow, it should be getting released soon along with an updated Divorce Busting main page and site. MWD and her programmers have done some nice work.

[grok]

The engineer in me keeps speculating on the cause... running on a raspberry pi with not enough memory so page swapping to an old slow hard drive? LOL. I know, the Amazon cloud right? Which makes it even more curious.

That said, I'm glad it is getting a back end update. UBB threads is pretty old tech in internet years. But it should be simpler to run, maintain, and a whole lot cheaper. A trusty old tool that works just fine.

These trials make us who we are...

g

TRIALS - STARSET

These trials make us who we are, who we are, we are
We take our places in the dark
And turn our hearts to the stars

Hear me from the bottom
Forged in regret, I'm the silversmith
Doomsday, you had it coming
....
The steel in our hearts will be monuments
Today, they'll hear the violence
We'll rise from the dark like Lazarus