Can someone show me how I can search other's stories. I read through Spirit but don't know how to find others like Smartcookie, Rollercoasterrider, MyFavoriteWeirdo, Sandi. I happen to stumble upon stories and don't know how to locate stories that are recommended. Would like to do some reading as I recover on the couch next week.
Most of those threads are gone now.
Sandi still has some around here somewhere.
Most of them got purged a few years ago, and with Sandi ?
She was more inclined to post to others rather than to keep an active thread. Much like most people that have been around here for a while do. There simply isn't much to post about and usually the only posts are for advice. So finding a good thread to just read, you will have posters pop up in them as you go.
RCR changed her posting name a long time ago, and some of her posts are still here under 1000ships, yet they are few and far between.
I would say that you would benefit from reading some in the MLC archives.
This was a good thread, and some really good reading and a lot of insight from other posters.
If you see someone that resonates with you, then click on their name and go down to "forum posts". Then at the top of the screen, you can choose "Threads created / all posts " from those two options.
I'm not here on a regular basis anymore, and I feel like I've been here more lately. It's unusual for sure
I hope for you that things start making sense, and things become easier....
Look for Irish M’s threads in MLC. You’ll need to change the the date from the last 3 weeks to all of them and it’ll be around page 8. But look at his threads..all of them. It’ll give you a very good idea about how bad MLC’s can be.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I'm no expert. But in my desperate search for answers I did save all kinds of threads that I thought helped me understand better. Perhaps some of these are a place to start. I have so many more bookmarked but not organized.
And so it happened....since I anticipated the below questions, H has since asked the first three and in that order. The direction is to not have him take me and so I have secured another ride. Yet, I've 'led him to believe' that he is taking me bc I've welcomed H to take me to all other doc appts. It's assumed. How do I answer question #3 if H is not to take me? and then #4 which is inevitable.
How do you propose I answer: 1. How did the medical exam go? 2. Did you get results yet from the exam? (assuming I don't provide the detail he expects at any pt) 3. What time would you like me to pick you up tomorrow for surgery? (I do have someone who can take me). 4. What do you mean you don't need me to take you? I took the day off? 5. How are you feeling? Do you need anything? (post surgery) 6. Is something wrong? You've changed (I know he's noticed that I'm not so eager to engage).
Is guilt the reason/driver for wanting to take me to all doc appts? I would be more comfortable making a decision on 'letting' H take me if I knew the reason was a touch-n-go attempt. If H doesn't know how to approach me and is beginning to see the light, I would be willing to spend time with H for the day (surgery day). I'd see it as an oppty to demonstrate (again) the 180 I've done. But if I'm alleviating his guilt and H likes to see me vulnerable....crying....scared, etc., I'm not interested. I'd like H to take me but am strong enough to decline if H's interest is 'saving' him from rock bottom.
DnJ - Enjoy your weekend with friends. Hope the weather works in your favor.
Thank you!
The weekend was most enjoyable. It’s a cabin off grid. No power, no running water. My BF, his son, future SIL, and I installed a metal roof. The first day was only BF and I installing purlins overtop the existing shingles. OMG, it was so hot!
However, the weather was wildly sporadic. Hot, cool, calm, windy, clear, rain, thundershower, all circling around and coming at us from all different directions. It was: If you don’t like the weather just wait 20 minutes, it’ll change.
Anyhow, we had to take a few delays here and there for safety reasons - a wet rain drop covered metal roof is incredibly slippery - and did get everything accomplished over the long weekend.
Originally Posted by MamaG
So it had been a week since a random text from H was sent to the kids (group text generally). H sent a "GM! I Love you" text. Nothing more. While they still don't (and neither do I) understand why H does this, kids are accepting of it and entertain with a short response. Any idea why H does this? And, how do I explain this behavior to D19 and S21? In between random texts, there is little or no interactions between them.
H does that, because his feelings drive him to do it. Because he feels like it. His behaviours doesn’t have to, and likely won’t “make sense”. To him, it “makes sense”, or he will feel like it is right at that moment. Then he’ll flit off to the next thing.
Little text like that, are touch and goes. H popping into the present moment and seeing where and what you guys are doing. He’ll get his fix, and like a boomerang fly away again.
H’s sense of time, the present moment of time and the passage of time is all screwed up. As the situation progresses forward, as more and more time and water goes under the bridge, H’s time travel/dilation will become more and more pronounced/noticeable.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Do MLCers want me to see or take interest in their new world?
In my experience, MLCers become very secretive. Like teenagers, they hide what they are doing/up to.
You’ve been through the teen years with your D21 and S23. You likely see a similarity between how they behaved and how H is behaving. Although, H’s behaviour is more rebellious and worse.
By the way, that’s how you explain what’s going on with Dad to your kids. When they query, explain crisis and its general path. Kids connect the dots pretty quickly. And they are in a different hierarchy on the list of people the MLCer throws away, or might reconnections with. Therefore, they do have different interactions and see more than the left behind spouse. Basically, they have more dots than you.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I miss him but I don't look for his texts like I used to.
Good!
Originally Posted by MamaG
I guess I'm making progress…
Absolutely you are.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself.
Originally Posted by MamaG
thinking I may get a text about bringing over D's request before going to work, I cringed that the text I rec'd was from him. It wasn't but the feeling of 'please don't let it be H who is texting' is a different thought from a month ago where I prayed it was his text that came through.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I can't help but wonder if I'm moving away from him and losing interest. Am I getting bored and giving up? I really hope not as this brings me to tears....and I don't know why.
Remember: Focus on you and the kids.
You will detach. Regain/establish control. No longer be uncontrollably dragged around emotionally.
You will find indifference. Be numb towards H’s words and behaviours. You will feel like you just don’t care. It’s a pretty nice feeling.
Some advice, and I am harping on it. Focus on you and the kids. During indifference, that non-caring time, other feelings will and do loom larger than they truly are against the void of once was. It’s amazing our feelings of love and cherishing mute and somewhat vanish. Warning: Like all feelings, this is temporary. Indifference does unwind. Your feelings do come back.
Like I say, decisions based upon emotions lead to regret. This is true here as well. Make no major life decisions or direction changes based upon your new, and what feels like forever, non-caring muted numbness towards H - it will change and then so does your reasons for decisions.
Indifference does bring about a wonderful peace. You will be free from H’s drama and BS. Make hay! Do your inner work during this time while free from the cacophony of H’s words and behaviours. Look to yourself. Find, discover what makes you tick. Your beliefs, prejudice, convictions, and such.
Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. And alter/discard that you do not want or no longer serves. All this, while feelings toward H are not in the way.
Also, focusing on you is not giving up. In fact, it is the opposite. Long term, if you don’t shift your focus off H, his behaviour will erode your love. MLC, affairs, these major martial situations are like acid to our love. Don’t bathe in it.
Or if you like, stop touching the hot stove. It burns! And if you keep getting burned, even by your actions, you will leave. To outlast a crisis, you have to focus elsewhere. And the best place for you to focus is - you. Next best - kids. So, focus on you and your kids.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Just sharing what a crazy life a LBS leads for way too long. I tell myself that H asked for space and so I'm honoring his request.
I hear you. Yes, a crisis is pretty crazy making.
Time and space. Give H what he is asking for. Enough of each to choke on it.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I often consider what the 'right thing to do for the MLCer' is in most circumstances while trying to not let him dictate my actions and GALing. I don't want to work around him but considering the 'right thing to do' (DBing) is also in some way letting him lead my actions and decisions, isn't it? It's so confusing. Can you help me distinguish as these scenarios pop up from time to time?
The right thing to do, is to put your oxygen mask on first. You cannot fix him, for didn’t break him.
DB is first and foremost for you. And gives you your best chance at saving your marriage. It may not, thought it definitely will save you.
Divorce Busting techniques enables and allows for rational, thought out, actions and responses to your situation. BTW, sometimes those responses are best as silence. Your DB tenets will come from your intellect rather than an emotional response. And let face it, most times an emotional response makes a bad or mixed up situation worse.
So we, focus on self, GAL, employ the 24-48 hour rule, give time and space, and such. Firstly for ourselves and our mental and emotional health. Secondly, for our best way forward. Which one can really discover during indifference, if they haven’t poisoned their own well too much before then. Focusing on self, focusing on what, and more importantly who you can control, keeps the acid away.
In time, the right thing to do for the MLCer, DBing, the right thing to do for you, letting him lead, making your own decisions, etc. - all converge. They become one and the same.
Originally Posted by MamaG
For example, I'm torn with having him take me to surgery next week. If I'm honest with myself, I will go into surgery and come out with more ease and comfort if I include him. All things DBing say to not include him and find another ride (including DnJ whom I listen to ). When should I consider my wants/needs above his current crisis/DBing recommendations? How much more productive/effective would it be to exclude him? I imagine H would feel left out and potentially showing him more of my back if I exclude him....but, if nothing I do will influence his journey, how can I make sense of this? If I knew that leaving him out would help him along his journey (missing me and what I'm doing or creating fear that I'm moving on), I would find it in me to accept another ride. But it's not always clear that me not doing what I want versus DBing will even impact his journey at all. I guess it's a two part question to help me decide on including/not including H in surgery. Note: My circle is wide - very thankful and blessed - and have several offering to take me for the surgery 2 hours out. But, somehow, I really think I would want him to take me.
All valid questions and pondering.
Originally Posted by MamaG
If I knew that leaving him out would help him along his journey (missing me and what I'm doing or creating fear that I'm moving on), I would find it in me to accept another ride.
It will help him along. It absolutely will. Which direction that is, I do not know. And that is what is holding you back, holding you prisoner - fear. Fear of letting go. Fear of loss.
I get it, you’d be more at ease and comfort if you include him. Who? Which H? You mean the old H. Not this alien running around in H’s skin.
And I get it, these crisis folks poke out just enough, show us just enough of their old selves, sound like their old selves, to keep us attached and confused. Let go.
H is living in his own house. Is secretive. Ask yourself, seriously, and without emotion, is he the old H? Of course not. His behaviour demonstrates that. Well, the majority of his behaviour.
H, old H, is currently buried inside himself. Once in a while he can emerge, though he is not the one in control or making his present life choices.
It takes time to see the situation clearly and as it is. It then takes more time, for one’s feelings to catch up. And it takes longer for one’s convictions, values, and beliefs to find this very odd path. Takes a good dose of strength to venture into this, for the moment quite unknown landscape, with only faith.
H’s best path forward. Your best path forward. Are one and the same.
The two paths will diverge. Yet, they might converge later.
(((Hugs)))
Originally Posted by MamaG
To all you readers who don't comment, I'm hopeful that you see/feel that you're not alone. I'm out here too trying to figure out this new normal everyday living. There is nothing normal about this and hard to navigate with family and friends who aren't going through it. It's such a lonely space and time in our lives.
Amen.
It’s a difficult time. And you will survive it. Heck, you will thrive it!
Time is truly a gift. Cherish it. Use it wisely.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
And so it happened....since I anticipated the below questions, H has since asked the first three and in that order. The direction is to not have him take me and so I have secured another ride. Yet, I've 'led him to believe' that he is taking me bc I've welcomed H to take me to all other doc appts. It's assumed. How do I answer question #3 if H is not to take me? and then #4 which is inevitable.
How do you propose I answer: 1. How did the medical exam go? 2. Did you get results yet from the exam? (assuming I don't provide the detail he expects at any pt) 3. What time would you like me to pick you up tomorrow for surgery? (I do have someone who can take me). 4. What do you mean you don't need me to take you? I took the day off? 5. How are you feeling? Do you need anything? (post surgery) 6. Is something wrong? You've changed (I know he's noticed that I'm not so eager to engage).
I’m glad you secured a different ride.
Answer H honestly.
H: What time would you like me to pick you up tomorrow for surgery?
MG: Thank you for the offer. I already have someone driving and helping me.
H: What do you mean you don't need me to take you? I took the day off?
MG: I’m sorry you booked time off for this. Do enjoy your free day.
Some crystal ball gazing (not a recommended practice lol):
H: How are you feeling?
MG: I feel fine.
H: Do you need anything?
MG: Nope. I’m all good.
H: Is something wrong? You've changed.
MG: No, nothing is wrong.
Hmmm.
You know, you’re right. I have changed. Haven’t I? And surprisingly, I like it. Thanks for noticing. Have a great day.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Is guilt the reason/driver for wanting to take me to all doc appts? I would be more comfortable making a decision on 'letting' H take me if I knew the reason was a touch-n-go attempt. If H doesn't know how to approach me and is beginning to see the light, I would be willing to spend time with H for the day (surgery day). I'd see it as an oppty to demonstrate (again) the 180 I've done. But if I'm alleviating his guilt and H likes to see me vulnerable....crying....scared, etc., I'm not interested. I'd like H to take me but am strong enough to decline if H's interest is 'saving' him from rock bottom.
I'm so conflicted.
Be strong.
H is a churning caldron of emotions. Regret, guilt, excitement, sorrow, sadness, happiness, fear, anger, depression, and such, all bubbling away. H doesn’t know why he wants to take you to the appointment. He just feels it.
And when/if he doesn’t feel it?
Him having to would be pressure. Responsibility. Another nail in the marriage’s coffin to his churning and stirred up feelings. Be pressure free. Give him no reasons, no justifications for his path. H will make up enough of his own, no need to paint more for him.
You want him to feel the loss; to feel the consequences of his decisions; all without your direct pressure or any manipulating. Thankfully, it’s pretty easy. Just let him have the time and space he is demanding. He is not acting like a husband, so do not count on him like a husband. You look after your appointments and money and home and bills and on and on. Let him runaround with the unicorns and fairies. Hopefully, he tires of running sooner rather than later.
If/when H is ready to reconcile, you will know. He will come back strong. No pussyfooting around. He’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to fend fences and get a second chance. Examples: Immediately handing over his unlocked phone whenever asked; blood tests for STDs before getting back together; both you and he in the room when the doctor reads the results of the blood work; a contiguous six months or a year of being affair-partner free (can date during that time) before moving back in and living together again; if any contact, and I mean any contact with AP, the clock resets back to zero and it’s another year; and so on. All that willing done in efforts towards rebuilding of trust, by demonstrating trustworthy behaviour.
Of course, before all that, before any possible reconciling, H needs to hit rock bottom. He will have many whispers of doubts regarding his life’s choices along his path. Mere whispers. Let him hear and feel his choices.
Let him to his path and journey.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Give him the minimal information necessary. Be cordial and kind but don't elaborate on any conversation more than required.
Also, are there any hobbies or interests you have always wanted to pursue? Things you set aside with the business of your married life? Try them out now, even if it's as simple as learning about a new subject or a how to book of something you've wanted to try. Fill your time up with things that bring you joy and you will think less about him and feel better about yourself without consuming your day with thoughts that won't help you. Are there any friends you've lost touch with? Go and have a coffee with them on a nice patio, talk about things completely unrelated to your situation. Ask them questions about how things are with them, it's a great way to learn about people and how we are all different. Think like the french, its a way of life sitting on cafes outside and discussing life and random things, we are inherently social beings and human interaction is built into who we are. Get your mind off of him as much as possible. Once he sees you seem to be getting along nicely without him he will start getting the feeling that you dont need him. In the end you are doing it for yourself.
