Married.(dated 4 years, married 5) Seperated under one roof. He is the WAS. 1 kid together. 2 from my previous marriage.
Background:
We argued alot during our 9year relationship. Each time, he'd take an exit route. He'd say " we are done. I am out. I dont want us anymore " but we would come together. It became such a norm. (i wasnt aware of the whole attachment theory back then) He is most probably an avoidant. And this was his coping mechanism. Anyways. Last year after an argument, he blocked me.changed all his bank information etc. Separated each and all aspects of our lives. He didnt came home for 2 nights/days. I begged and cried. Tried to contact him through our kid's phone. He totally ignored me. Again i wasn't aware of the anxiousness in relationship. This push and pull dance of avoidant and anxious. I went to his work and begged him to come home for the sake of kids. He denied seevral times.but Eventually he caved in and gave me a deadline that he only will stay till christmas and then move out. Long story short he ended up staying after christmas and on januray 23 2023 we re-did our vows. He unblocked me and everything went back to normal marraige. We ordered our marriage certificate. Kind of reset.
I suggested marriage counselling, he agreed (i thought this was a good step but unknowingly i was self sabotaging as him being an avoidant i should have known it probably pressurized him even more ) may be too soon.
Marriage counselling didnt help. Anything the therapist said , he either denied or agreed but never provided explanation. Therapist gave us tons of good ideas. He would start it at home but stop before the idea could do its work.
So from the time he came back in November 2022 till oct 2023, everytime we got in a conflict he'd get defensive and throw it in my face " i never wanted to be here anyhow, you begged me to come for kids, i am not in love with u etc etc "
Fastforward, August 2023 he asked me that he wants us to separate on good terms . This time i agreed. I said ok sure. He moved in the basement and i stayed in our bedroom. After 1 night, I missed him and i went downstairs to him, begged him to come up. I told him he doesnt have to be in love with me, just stay in our bedroom (physically) Just be near me.
He hemmed and hawed. But eventually he did it. We were emotionally separate, except we were still sleeping together (having sex) and he would always put a disclaimer out there that its only cuz we both need it , nothing love related. He said, it's just like a friends with benefits concept. I agreed. But deep down I felt hurt. besides our arguments were less but with the same "I came for kids not you or any love " in my face. But to keep my marriage intact, I tried .
October 27 2023, we had drinks (Had an amazing time togetehr he even said i love u to me) we Were a bit tipsy, we went to our bedroom and he got aggresive, i got scared(theres a history of agression from 6 years ago). I asked him to stop , he eventually stopped, but by then i was scared and humiliated and somehow overwhelmed, I dialed 911. I regretted it as i dialed. But now it was dialed already and the cops had to come and do their job. They came asked questions from both of us separately. We answered and they didnt have any concerns bcz they understood i have dialed it in an overwhelming sort of situation . I had my hormones all haywire cuz i had also found out i was expecting (that day i did a test).
They left and asked us to seperate for that night. Like they do, in any domestic call.
I moved out for that night. And stayed at the nearby hotel. I came back the next morning and clearly he thinks i used 911 as a manipulation tactic (which swear to god i didn't . I hope no one judges me here plz because this thought that let me put him in trouble or ahow him what its like didnt cross my mind. I dont have any family here frineds or anyone. I dialed them and literally told them i am arguing with my husband ). I apologized to him for the part i played and i admit full heartedly that calling 911 wasn't the smartest move. I wanted him to understand my situation and scare too. I wrote him an apology letter after and asked him to hold me accountable for my kistake but unferstand that i was scared too and apart from him i dont have a fanily and feeling safe and 911 wasn't a choice of manipulation, but was only out of overwhelming hormones and vulnerable situation. But he didnt. Infact said, he hasnt done anything at all.
And that was it. He said we'll seperate moving towards divorce. He took his ring off after and told basically everyone he knows that how he was a victim of a wife who called the cops to manipulate him. Which isnt even the truth. I also wrote him a letter and accepted , took accountability of what i did, how i did and how it was wrong of me to do. I wrote that i was expecting at the time. I mentioned i want to make it work and am ready to put an effort to whatever it takes...n once and when he is ready. I can't take his fear away but I am ready to build trust and whatever it takes.
He read my letter. Gave me no reply. He just texted that " thank u for putting an effort to write in the letter" . Didn't even consider that I am expecting or acknowledge that at all. --------‐-----------------------------------------------‐--------------------------- From my perspective:
The stress i had for a whole year about what ill do might make him leave etc etc each day every day, had to take a toll on me one day, and i was bound to make a mistake. Not that i am justifying that bringing in law enforcement was granted, just saying that i am a human being too and i am also allowed to make a mistake if i am overwhelmed , scared or stress. Or all toegtehr.
And i feel like , he now can use this as a big excuse to leave.
Because he wanted to leave even before too.. also before, whenever i asked or our therpist asked him, whats are the things i might be doing wrong or things i could change, his answer would be " she is a perfect wife a perfect mother nothing really, just that we dont get along"
And to me he would say, "I am not in love with u. We dont get along. See it doesnt work" But nothing concrete And now , he has a big huge reason..
Back story on agression : There has been 2x times when he was been agressive and cops were called 2x by bystanders ( not to me directly, but throwing things, smashing walls etc).cops interviewed us. Asked me to press charges. I didnt. We called it off. This was all during the 2nd year of our dating. 3 months later we get back again and i told him he needs to work on it. He apologized. I forgave him hoping he will work, he didnt got violent aft3r but rather shut us out. And instead, he would stonewall or shut completely. Or just deattach.
7 years later i saw that violence/agressiion in his eyes on oct27 again, and i got worried. Not that, he end up doinganything but what if he would have. I dont know. It was preventative on my end and on his end i broke his trust. It all also happen when we both were so vulnerable.
----------
Currently:
Help is needed bcz I am trying to bring him back on board. Tried no contact. Doesn't work as great as we live in same house. Seperate rooms. Have a kid together.
I dont know what to do. We don't talk much just kids related. I have been trying to warm to him. And mostly working on myself (that's how I found out about mine and his flaws and I am fully responsible for mine and working on them too. ) he is barely at home Mostly at work (that's what he says) I dont think cheating is a factor here. We go out as a fanily for kids and he is just detached.
I am sorry for long post guys. Thanks for reading. I don't want to make more mistakes. I just want my family back together. We had such good times too. I dont know why conflicts just ate us up... 😐😑😕 Help me plz. There's gotta be something I can do. (Yeah I have read books ) Just need to know practically how to deal with this... Like in day to day. ( please no suggestions on If we are toxic xyzzz, I know he is my person and deep down we both are amazing people and we have had good times alot of them too, I feel like this is a very rocky phase since a year for sure bcz we were progressing well.. its like it was slow, but wasn't going worse )
Thank thank thanking u all. Help me save my marriage. Plz.
First I'm very sorry you're going through all of this. I know it's rough.
However, I have no advice for you. You've already put up roadblocks about what we can respond with. I guess my only advice is to reread your post from the perspective that you are one of the other posters here. If a stranger typed the above, what would you say to them?
Last edited by SteveLW; 12/17/2302:17 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Mia, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you're here to get help working through it. I think for most of us here we all find things in stories we read that we can relate to, all having gone through so much. I'm glad you've read the books and understand the detach and focus on you. But the thing that kept coming to mind as I'm reading above is your focus. It sounds like your focus is all on him and the outcome. I know the desperate feeling of wanting to 'fix it' or get our marriage back. But in the end often the worst thing we can do it keep our focus on the end result. We end up spending every day trying to measure our words too carefully and each interaction hoping to see results. It's not a healthy way to live. And in the long run it puts too much pressure on each of you.
I know letting go of that focus feels like giving up but it's usually the best route for both the short term and the long term as well. Focus on you and give yourself a chance to be happy no matter where things go from here.
Hoping and praying you find some peace today.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by DnJ; Tue Mar 14 2023 11:41 AM. Reason: Updated.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to the boards. How old are you, H, and kids?
I will copy Cadet’s welcome post (below) for your reference. There are many links to a trove of useful and helpful information. Please do invest into, and take time, reading them.
Have you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? If not, I’d do so. Also do not share the book, or your divorce busting efforts with H, as he will “presently” see any efforts as a form of manipulation to try to win him back. As you have already witnessed.
Most relationship saving, divorce busting advice and suggestions are “at first” highly counterintuitive. The advice will feel wrong. It will sound wrong. This is rather commonplace, and truly makes sense when one thinks about; after all one is embroiled within their situation so tightly and fearfully will not let go.
The quickest and best way to possibly saving your marriage is in the opposite direction.
Originally Posted by MiaRob
Help me save my marriage. Plz.
There are many kind and compassionate posters with much hard-earned wisdom.
Originally Posted by MiaRob
please no suggestions on If we are toxic xyzzz, I know he is my person and deep down we both are amazing people and we have had good times alot of them too, I feel like this is a very rocky phase since a year for sure bcz we were progressing well.. its like it was slow, but wasn't going worse
Originally Posted by MiaRob
Help me plz. There's gotta be something I can do.
Mia, remove your road blocks. There are some difficult suggestion and viewpoints you need to hear. It is perfect normal to deny and be fearful of the reality of one’s situation. However, to truly go forward, to truly find peace and contentment, to truly find you, to truly give your marriage the best chance at restoration, you need to be open to hearing the advice. In the end, you know your situation best, and will apply whatever advice or suggestions resonates with you or you deem appropriate. Please, ensure you have the best information set before yourself so you can make the most informed decisions you can.
Originally Posted by MiaRob
need to know practically how to deal with this... Like in day to day.
Step back. Way back.
Give H plenty of time and space. You’ve seen and know his response to your relationship and reconciliations pressures. No relationship talks. Not for a good long while.
Marriage counselling “currently” will not work, as you’ve also found out. H is not in a place, nor is he ready for such introspection. He will go through the motions, agree to things, all just to say well we tried and it didn’t work.
Right now, H will look for all kinds of “reasons” and “excuses” to justify leaving. And if/when he cannot find them, he will make them up, or dredge up old past grievances. It very common for spouses to rewrite history and villainize the LBS, to rewrite the many years of marriage and relationship.
Realize, H is rewriting through his lens. He is colouring things in a certain manner. Of course, the LBS does as well. We all look through rose coloured glasses and remember the good things/times and minimize the others. Do not take his bait and get drawn into an argument of how he sees things vs how you do.
As counterintuitive as it will sound, when H moved downstairs, that was a good thing. It is unfortunate you begged him to return in one night. If (when?) H wishes to sleep downstairs again, let him!
Time and space is necessary. H needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship, before he might want to turn around and work on things. Dig for patience Mia. Any pressures, any R-talks, just pushes him towards the door.
Let go H. You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Focus on you. This is a must.
That doesn’t mean you just ignore H, nor treat him badly or anything. Basically, treat H as a roommate. Be kind and cordial, like you would be to the cashier at the grocery store for example. Let him go. Let him feel what it is like to lose you.
Focus on you. You do your inner work. Become Mia2.0. Become the best version of you. A woman only a fool would leave. And if H is that foolish… well, so be it.
Look, I guarantee you can be saved. And in doing so, will give you your best chance at saving your marriage. And remember, counterintuitive. The best way is to let go.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now. Let go or be dragged.
I want you to consider what you want in a relationship. And do not rush this process. Really consider it. What you want. What you desire. What you deserve.
And not some prince on horseback thing. I mean, I want, deserve, respect and trust and loyalty and faithfulness and openness, etc… Take serious and significant time to delve deep and realize and craft your convictions and aspirations.
Then, live that way. In your relationship with you. That is where you start. You. What you can control. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Get a life, GAL. Pull out/restart old hobbies you forgot or put on hold after you got married. Start something new. All reinforcing your life.
Do some 180’s. Make changes for the better. And do them because you want to, that is the way to ensure those changes and improvements become permanent.
H will challenge and disbelieve your positive changes. He will think any changes will be an attempt to win him back. Don’t worry about that or him. Let him think and feel what he will. You know better, and you are moving forward for you. Let him catch up.
I do hope you find this useful, and look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
- - - -
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Please just let him go for a while. Trying to get him back on board does nothing but cause you heartache and it is evident that he is not a happy camper right now. Are you sure that there is not a third person in your marriage? When we attempt to bring them back into the family, they hear our voices, our pleading and begging and in some cases see all of the pain that they have caused in our eyes and in the tone of our voices and that "guilts" them back into the marriage. You don't want to guilt him to return. You want him to return because he wants to come back and be with his family.
For now, if you haven't already done it, set up your own bank accounts and credit cards. Find ways to keep yourself busy and do not ask him to return home. Give him all of the time and space that he needs. He can't miss you if you are chasing after him. Until he can figure things out for himself, he is going to continue to throw things up in your face and use those excuses, which are called projections by the way, to leave.
Again, let him go, allow God to take care of him. Now is the time for you to focus on you, your life, and the children. Focus on what you can do to help you each and every day. You may want to consider some counseling for yourself. Right now, it is not a good idea to ask him to go because he may very well just say what he thinks all of you want to hear.
I know that this is a difficult time for you, but you have to move forward and do what is best for you and the children. The holiday season is upon us and it's going to be difficult. Any conversations that you have with him should be about finances and the children. No relationship talks! Keep the conversations short, polite and simple.
Again, lots of time and space is what he needs. Dig deeper for patience because this is not a sprint but a marathon. Come back here as often as you need to. Many of us have been right where you are today during the holiday season.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First I'm very sorry you're going through all of this. I know it's rough.
However, I have no advice for you. You've already put up roadblocks about what we can respond with. I guess my only advice is to reread your post from the perspective that you are one of the other posters here. If a stranger typed the above, what would you say to them?
Thank you for reading my long post. I understand. I made terrible mistakes here. none of our marriages comes with manuals and my roadblocks were unintentional. I failed to educate myself (early on) about all the strategies of marriage, u know, all the things people talk about on how to's and what to's.
I wouldn't know what to advise this person either, but that's why I wanted someone with wisdom or someone who has been in a similar situation to suggest something, instead of making more dumb decisions. Now that I have some insight into what and how things went wrong, I want a chance to fix it not ruin it further.
Hi Mia, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you're here to get help working through it. I think for most of us here we all find things in stories we read that we can relate to, all having gone through so much. I'm glad you've read the books and understand the detach and focus on you. But the thing that kept coming to mind as I'm reading above is your focus. It sounds like your focus is all on him and the outcome. I know the desperate feeling of wanting to 'fix it' or get our marriage back. But in the end often the worst thing we can do it keep our focus on the end result. We end up spending every day trying to measure our words too carefully and each interaction hoping to see results. It's not a healthy way to live. And in the long run it puts too much pressure on each of you.
I know letting go of that focus feels like giving up but it's usually the best route for both the short term and the long term as well. Focus on you and give yourself a chance to be happy no matter where things go from here.
Hoping and praying you find some peace today.
Thanks @Bunches I know. I understand. I am doing my best. my focus is mostly on myself these last few weeks. i would say from having none i have it 60% on myself , now. i go do workouts, have started working extra, mostly staying nuetral and happy. try to. i do seek help bcz i dont want to ruin any chances i might have in salvaging whats left. we were madly in love. i know my story doesnt point a whole lot of my hurt throughout our marriage but theres alot of that too and each time i forgave him. i feel like , i deserve a chance too
Welcome to the boards. How old are you, H, and kids?
Thank u so much. H, 33 myself, 33 Three kids: 13,11(my previous marriage), 4 year old (his biological)
Originally Posted by DnJ
Mia, remove your road blocks. There are some difficult suggestion and viewpoints you need to hear. It is perfect normal to deny and be fearful of the reality of one’s situation. However, to truly go forward, to truly find peace and contentment, to truly find you, to truly give your marriage the best chance at restoration, you need to be open to hearing the advice. In the end, you know your situation best, and will apply whatever advice or suggestions resonates with you or you deem appropriate. Please, ensure you have the best information set before yourself so you can make the most informed decisions you can.
My current situation is:
As i mentioned earlier, i tried no contact/limited contact. cant remove roadblocks until he gives me opportunity for them, for example: if he doesn't give me time of his day, i cant show him how i have learned not to react or resolve conflict in healthy manner. i am doing best as i can though.
no Rtalks happens. His "we will separate and go towards divorce" was last Rtalk- from his side. my apology letter was our last Rtalk- from myside. These days, only communication is, about kids and finance. and very short. and precise.
(also -no counselling- thats in history, that failed in the beginning of this year when we were together but on/off "love u leave u" situation. Haven't mentioned since April 2023 and wont.)
yes, after the cops incident, he did changed rooms again ( I didn't do anything this time, i learned from mistakes, wish i Had seen this community before or read few things before but... it happened ) for the past 2 months , we live in separate bedrooms. share living space and kitchen. i have let him and am giving him space(dont have any options left any way).
Basically I am reacting to nothing. what he does, says or acts like. my reaction is null. ( it hurts inside that he behaves like i dont even exist.)
He is barely home, but when he is (and initiates contact) i receive and respond warmly. precise and positive.
I have started GAL too. couldn't've done dark (cuz kids) but doing LRT too.
PS: I read(and re-read as needed) all the rules and books pretty much) during the time i had recently after our separation. time was gift and i used it to read all the wise books. thats how i have now learned my flaws, mistakes and parts i played. he isn't a saint either, i havent said "all" the things he has done to hurt me and our family in the past 9 years, however i really dont beleive in breaking a family unless chronic toxicity is there. and he seems to be the person who ups and walks away when things are difficult. so, I want to honor my vows, work on myself, get a chance to fix and rebuild what got broken and apply what i learned.
there's got to be things i could do to jumpstart this process in hopes of reconciliation. Even if reconciliation takes time, and patience. But at least where some odds can be in my favor.
Please just let him go for a while. Trying to get him back on board does nothing but cause you heartache and it is evident that he is not a happy camper right now..................................................................................................... season.
thanks Job,
My current situation is:
As i mentioned earlier, i tried no contact/limited contact.
no Rtalks happens. His "we will separate and go towards divorce" was last Rtalk- from his side. my apology letter was our last Rtalk- from myside.
These days, only communication is, about kids and finance. and very short. and precise. I dont "know" this for a fact but my gut feeling is , no cheating on either side. (honestly if there was disloyalty, i would have been detached from him long ago)
(also -no counselling- thats in history, that failed in the beginning of this year when we were together but on/off "love u leave u" situation. Haven't mentioned since April 2023 and wont.)
yes, after the cops incident, he did changed rooms again ( I didn't do anything this time, i learned from mistakes, wish i Had seen this community before or read few things before but... it happened ) for the past 2 months , we live in separate bedrooms under same roof. share living space and kitchen. i have let him and am giving him space(dont have any options left any way).
Basically I am reacting to nothing. what he does, says or acts like. my reaction is null. ( it hurts inside that he behaves like i dont even exist.)
He is barely home, but when he is (and initiates contact) i receive and respond warmly. precise and positive. I dont chase him anymore. learned it all but the hard way. I have started GAL too. couldn't've done dark (cuz kids) but doing LRT too.
PS: I read(and re-read as needed) all the rules and books pretty much) during the time i had recently after our separation. time was gift and i used it to read all the wise books. thats how i have now learned my flaws, mistakes and parts i played. he isn't a saint either, i havent said "all" the things he has done to hurt me and our family in the past 9 years, however i really dont beleive in breaking a family unless chronic toxicity is there. and he seems to be the person who ups and walks away when things are difficult. so, I want to honor my vows, work on myself, get a chance to fix and rebuild what got broken and apply what i learned. no i dont want him back out of fear or guilt or anything. He was madly in love with me chased me and pursued me and i have felt the love very strongly.
there's got to be things i could do to jumpstart this process in hopes of reconciliation. Even if reconciliation takes time, and patience. But at least where some odds can be in my favor.
Now that I have some insight into what and how things went wrong, I want a chance to fix it not ruin it further.