Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

My anger is pretty well controlled I am more just curious more within myself why I can’t bring myself to unleash a mountain of abuse at him and rebut his attacks and blames at me. I more just let it slide more like water off a ducks back. I know there’s no truth to those words. I wish I could get angry and just hurtle abuse. I feel like I just roll over and take it.
Yep I have been seeing an IC and am at a really good place now. I’m excited for a new beginning in my life where my sole focus is me and the kids. I’m keen for him to finally go overseas to be honest. So I don’t need to see him or deal with him and hopefully he can start to feel some of the pain he’s unleashed on me and hit his rock bottom.
Isn’t it bad I now wish he feels pain and hurt and loneliness. I think I have a new reality to face now which is that feeling of abandonment and that I wasn’t enough to fight for. Might take me a really long time to heal properly but I’m excited to move out of this current state.I’m still gobsmacked at the running away. And what can possibly go through their entitled brains to think that is the only way.

[Love4Him]

Everything in their "old life", the now, is viewed as negative and the reason for them feeling the way that they do. That's why they want to get away from it/us. We are the problem, that's why so many of them start running and desperately trying to find "relief".

I have asked myself the same question, feeling guilty for wanting H to feel what I'm feeling.

I've had issues with abandonment since I was a little girl when my dad left my mom for a much younger lady who told him to not have any contact with me (7 years old at the time) because she did not want to deal with me and have him all to herself. Problem? Yeah, he listened to HER alright.
He totally ignored me for years, and I had always been a daddy's girl until then.
I've healed and made peace with that and forgave him for doing what he did, but that's where my abandonment issues are rooted. And now that H is acting the way that he is, all of that is coming back to me, and it hurts like hell.

You ARE enough, P., and H hopefully wakes up to that obscured reality of his one day. Deep, deep inside of him he knows that.

They are unable to feel the love and affection that they have for us right now but it does not mean that it isn't there. It's just buried deep inside underneath all of what they are feeling about themselves. It's too much for them.

This kind of explains the ILYBINILWY so many of us have heard. They are not lying, that is their reality for right now while they are in this mess of emotions.

I remember when H first bomb dropped me in 2010. He was pacing the floor when he said those words, kept saying "I'm just not feeling it!". He seemed to try and understand why but, like I said, it was his reality at the time so he merely reacted to that.
What would WE do if we did not feel the love for H anymore??

I so want to unleash all of that anger and hurt as well, let him have it all, but you know what?
It will only drain us and it won't make a difference at all, they have built a wall around them and those words from us are only going to hit the wall and not them. I've had a taste of that when there were moments where I just could not help but vent at him. It did not penetrate at all, it only left me feeling even more frustrated, so I don't even go there anymore.
I interact with him as if everything was normal. He even cracks jokes like he always has, and I laugh with him. Crazy? Yes. But it keeps the peace around here, none of us need the added stress.

Let H be the child that he is right now. He has to grow up on his own.

Hang in there, P.

[Pattnee5]

You are so right L4H, maybe that’s why I too can’t unleash the anger. Because those words do just hit the wall and bounce off. It’s almost like they don’t absorb it and it’s wasted effort. I don’t even feel as angry anyway anymore. I know my reality and my worth. I can see the huge volume of hurt and self loathing in his eyes. It’s all over his face. I too keep the peace and laugh and jokes and even make jokes. For me it keeps the kids seeing two happy parents ( well one happy parent and one very good faker). H keeps making comments about his body and wishing he looked like he did a few years back, keeps making comments about being fat ( mind you he is in NO way obese whatsoever, still wearing a size medium tops like always and 32 pants. He is just fixated on his body not having ripped muscles like when younger and now the six pack has flipped to a little dad belly)
The mental torment he is going through just on himself for that is ridiculous and that alone needs a lot of work. He also mentioned he’s catching up with some high school friends in a few weeks ( his only friends) who are coming to visit him. Apparently one is also “done” with his marriage and wants to leave his wife. Same age and all. I don’t know what it is with these men. They near 50 and think the world owes them another chapter. I know once upon a time he would have fought like crazy for us. Not now. I am worried about how the kids will handle the abandonment. I’ve got them into IC and all. S12 will be devastated when he is told he is obsessed with his dad. D14 will be so angry. It will affect them for years if not a lifetime.All I know is I need to be their strength and stability and show them how much they are loved and always safe with me. I really resent him for doing this and for hurting my kids and family so much. For breaking up the family unit. We were the couple everyone would say they envied and anyone I tell what’s happened , I’m literally collecting their jaws off the floor because they cannot even believe it. Some days even I don’t believe it to be honest.

Anyway I am doing really good considering. My life is going to move forward. I love my alone time and love filling my days with activities and friends. Im filling the kids lives with fun activities and trying new things. And the “divorce dog” as I now call her, is getting me out and about walking daily and cuddles at night ( H even used me getting the kids a dog last January as an excuse to separate because apparently he didn’t want it -even though he said yes)
I do feel like I am starting to really become myself again. My confidence and self worth has lifted tremendously with all the 180. So as I get stronger I watch H fall further into the hole of self hate, and it sometimes is hard to not reach out and try and help him but he’s dug his hole now. He keeps making comments how everyone hates him. He has a lot of bridges to mend one day. I do hope at some point this 17 year old man trapped in his 49 year old body wakes up and realised that he needs to stop running

[Pattnee5]

I have had a pretty flat 24-48hrs and just thought I would jump on and vent but also acknowledge my slip up. It happens, we aren’t perfect and can’t run this MLC perfectly so hopefully others reading my journey get something out of it too.
I had been feeling a bit angry over the weekend but generally kept those emotions in check and distracted myself with other things. I think they finally boiled over a bit yesterday in my crossing paths with H. He made some silly comment about his new role overseas making him lots of “money for you and the kids and you know I have to do this”. I just didn’t even think and I just said “ you’re abandoning us because you don’t want to deal with your demons and are running away”. The moment I said abandoning his face just shut down and he started to bolt for the exit mumbling something. At that point I also just said “ I am worth it, we were worth it and once upon a time before you let yourself get so screwed up in the head, you thought so too”. He just said something along the lines of I shouldn’t be saying stuff like that to him anymore as we are over
Ok look that was definitely NOT what I should have said. I just had a moment and thought “stuff it the truth hurts” and I have been biting my tongue for months now pretending I am okay with all of this and all of his plans. He must think I am an idiot and approve of everything.
Anyway a [censored] moment of weakness. I ended up in tears for about 5-10 minutes until d14 snuck up on me. I felt so bad crying in front of her but she was amazing and just hugged me. She doesn’t know yet about the move.
Do I feel better? Not really, I hate hurting people and it achieved nothing.
I realise I feel pretty low on myself the last two days that I am not enough, and not worth the fight or effort. That how can I ever love someone again or anyone ever love me again I will be so very broken by this. That feeling of not being enough for someone or worth it. Once upon a time he would have fought like crazy for us, for me.
Anyway I just wanted to highlight sometimes we take a few steps forward and then a few backward but it’s all part of the growth.

[Card29]

Pattnee, dont be too hard on yourself. As you point out, you cant expect to be perfect every step. You had the itch to let out your anger, you did, and you realize it didnt make you feel better. That’s data for you on your journey. Imagine doing that all of the time. You’d be miserable, strung along emotionally, and your detachment and grief process would take so much longer. I know people that spent 20 years mad after their D. So much life wasted. That’s not going to be you.

I havent followed you every step of the way, so I’m not going to give advice here. What have you and the vets discussed about boundaries, going dark, etc? It seems like H is having his cake and eating it too. Comes and goes as he pleases. Living his independent life while referring to going to make money for you and the kids. Have you ever talked here about cutting him out of your day to day? Again, I’m asking, not advising. I know your kids still see him. I just know that emotional and physical distance would help you deal with these emotions more on your terms.

Just some food for thought. I hope you’re having a great day when you read this

[Pattnee5]

Hi card
Generally I’ve been really good and detaching etc no problems. Kept my boundaries etc. I think this has all just come from H recently deciding to take a job on the other side of the world and basically pack up and leave all his responsibilities and “piss off” overseas. So I think the “running” has just made me feel extremely not worthy and not enough and really just hit me.
I am ok though I just have had a period of feeling like rubbish the last 24 hours.

[Card29]

That makes a lot of sense. Until we are fully detached or "over" the situation, any movement towards what we don't want can really hit us emotionally. I've had a couple of triggers the last couple of days after a couple of weeks of peace. So I feel for you.

This "excursion" of your H's, how serious is he about it? Does he have a timeline, starting date etc? Judging from what you've said about him, wallowing in his hole, it wouldn't surprise me if he strung this idea along for weeks/months. If you think it might drag on, it's worth making a plan or at least being aware of the pitfalls. Your emotional reaction is normal, but I'm sure you don't want to keep feeling it to the extent you have this past weekend.

Obviously, the primary goal is working on detaching from the idea emotionally. Until you can get there, maybe you need a mental game plan for when he brings up the idea again. How are you feeling now, and have you done or thought of anything that has helped your emotions regarding his overseas job? If you have, I'd write them down so you remember next time it comes up. I'm copying that advice from one of the vets on my thread last week.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks card you are more a vet than you think. So he floated the idea in July after a “fight” never bought it up again. When I brought up the separation two weeks ago and pushed to finalise the legalities and sell etc he “knee jerked” and decided to take the job opportunity in another country. He’s in too deep now. He accepted the same night after I dropped my mini bomb, they have applied for visas and even backfilled his position so he will be gone within 6 weeks. Said he decided that same night and they were pursuing him from months but he only held off in “hope his feeling would change and he would want to stay”. He then proceeded to make the comment about “resenting me and my body and looks at me and resents it for all the times I ever withheld sex( most likely because he had been gaming for hours then stumbled to bed drunk) so yeah he decided to just throw in a bit of emotional woman bashing too. Mind you I am really fit and 42 and he’s 6 years older, Grey, dad bod from way too much alcohol and stress, introvert and now a recluse. He is punching so far above his weight that I just let comments slide now they mean nothing
Hence my mood and emotions the last few days
His message earlier today about something he mentioned this job and his exact words were “ I can’t/won’t back out of this professional opportunity now” . So yes before Christmas, gone. Do I regret my decision to instigate it or speed it up? A little but then again not really. He hasn’t lived his reality he has chosen. I more feel hurt I wasn’t enough for him to fight. I’ve detached from H but you’re right now I have to detach in a whole new way of being the abandoned single mum indefinitely and that does make my life difficult. There won’t be “breathers” for when I just need a day to regroup, all parenting decisions fall on me, every little drama, boyfriends, high school, learning to drive, learning to shave and be a man for S12. It’s slightly overwhelming but I’ll be ok.

I am actually handling it all really well( other than the now feeling abandoned and not worthy but I have some good techniques with my Ic for that which really help and have done a lot of grounding work too)
I am still
Keeping my life full, social events, friends over, doing stuff with the kids.
It’s very fulfilling and keeping my moods high.
It’s funny I don’t often think of H anymore during the day, and sometimes if he messages I just sit in it, there’s no longer that longing or pining. I think too much damage is done to switch that back on.
My lawyer thinks it’s nuts H is leaving to another country and said he hasn’t really seen it happen in his 20+ years of family law. It must be rare. Hopefully anyone else whose H is fleeing overseas gets something out of my battle. The sooner he goes and hits his barrel bottom the better. This man cannot move here. He is absolutely completely stuck
Anyway I am feeling good againZ. Sometimes we just need a little cry and a cuddle

[Pattnee5]

I should just say it’s amazing to see the emotional turmoil come out. The erratic behaviour, the complete shutdown and the unfamiliar look of almost like anger that washes over the MLC spouse when they have to talk about anything that resemble feelings
I’ve witnessed it quite a few times lately. I am keeping my cool calm balance and he almost goes into meltdown mode over the smallest thing
It really is a super sad state of mind. I never new this existed until now and going through it. I never thought my H would ever be the “abandoning dad”. He used to always talk so badly of those dads( a friend of his moved on the other side of the world and remarried when his child was 2 and H always bagged him out.)
Oh how the mighty have fallen

[Card29]

I know it hurts that he is officially abandoning you all and leaving for the US. You can't ignore that hurt, but based on how far you've come, I know you will work through those emotions. And I do see some silver linings for you. You won't be strung along (will he go? will he stay?). You won't have to be subjected to his emotional outbursts or just depressing state of affairs. And it might expedite his fall to rock bottom. I'm sure vets have told you that you shouldn't be just sitting, hoping and waiting for him to hit that and bounce back to you all, because who knows if that will happen. But him getting completely on his own might help get him to that decision point. "Do I try to help myself, or is this my life from now on?"

Also, I don't know what his impression of America is, how much he's been here, etc. It's not utopia here haha. America, itself, is not going to solve his issues.

Do you think he lashes out at you to get a reaction? Or is that just how he feels and he can't contain it? If you think it's manipulative or abusive, check out the grey rock method, if you haven't heard of it before. I just learned about it when I went down the "how to handle a narcissist" rabbit hole.