I’m back :(

[Card29]

I was here 9 years ago or so. Divorced with a young daughter (now 11). This place was a godsend. I had the worst 8 months of my life, but people here got me through it. I came out on the other side so happy. I may have started dating too soon (1 yr after divorce), but I was in love and I did it. We’ve been together for 7 years, married for nearly 3. We have an 18 month old. And it happened again. Bomb drop #2 in my life.

This one was not as much of a surprise. Wife has not been the same person for a year. Negative moods, stressed out all the time. I started getting a sinking feeling for our marriage a few months ago. We’ve started counseling, but she’s already out the door.

A little background: She has MS. She was diagnosed a year after we started dating. Most medications have not helped. She struggles with anxiety in general, but especially when it came to MS. For years, her symptoms were physical and not outwardly visible (something she’s been worried about). A couple years ago, they became more cognitive. Lapses in concentration, unable to follow conversations as easily, cant think of the right word (“fork” instead of “bowl”), and short term memory issues. She’s a teacher and some days she couldn’t recall her student’s names.

We thought her struggles, anxiety and unhappiness were all based around MS. She has struggled getting her career started with it and now she doesn’t know if she can continue to teach.

But today she said after talks with her neurologist and personal counselor, a lot of her problems are with our marriage, not just MS. In particular, her relationship with my mother. My mom is not well, if you ask me. My dad died 12 years ago, and she has hardly had any social interactions outside of her kids, l grandkids and extended family. She works at home and is home alone nearly every hour of the week. From the start, she was not welcoming to W. It took a few months when we were first dating for me to realize, but she was intentionally ice cold to SO/W. I’ve talked to her in many occasions and she has these irrational theories on why W is a bad spouse/person. I never understood them. We talked, sometimes argued, one time yelled, but nothing really changed. I thought it had at least become cordial, but I missed just how deeply this hurt W. She’s from out of town and was looking for a much different R with her MIL. She wanted love and companionship and got the opposite.

A critical error may have been buying our current house. It’s 2 doors from my mom. We moved in 3 years ago. It was my grandma’s house. She died, and my mom/aunts sold it to us for a great price. Felt like we couldn’t pass it up. Wish I could turn back time… I thought maybe proximity would break the ice, but nothing changed. My mom loves our son, but still ignores W. It [censored].

I was already thinking we needed to move. Housing market and interest rates are terrible now, of course. And then in our first marriage counseling session, the counselor immediately recognized my mom’s behavior as “spouse replacement”. She’s widowed, she got to be “mom” to my daughter when I was going through D#1, and was threatened when W#2 entered the picture. She has shunned her as a result. This freaked me out and I started talking to realtors the next day. I would love things to improve with my mom, but she’s been like this for years. I’m not counting on a change there.

So today at Bomb Drop #2, W tells me the primary problem in our marriage is MIL. I’m sickened, angry, sad. Just in a dark place. Mad that my mom is this ill that she was able to successfully poison our marriage (if this turns out to be the real root).

It’s just a very sad day for me. I really didn’t think we’d ever get here. I do feel like I’ve let my end of the marriage slip. I neglected some of W’s needs. I mainly feel like I’m a fool for not learning enough from my first marriage. W#2 has been such a wonderful person in my life and I’m sick of the idea if that being done, although as I said it hasnt felt like that in a while.

Anyway, I’m sorry for only popping back in now that I’m hurting, but I appreciate anyone that wants to lend an ear.

Situation tonight is she went to stay at a friend’s. Son is asleep here. And I have no idea how to explain any of this to D11 , who is back with me starting tomorrow (I have her week on, week off).

Any immediate recommendations? I will say, I currently feel comfortable letting go, not pursuing. I’m sure that order will come and go. We have a counseling session scheduled this week, and we both agreed we should go.

[Card29]

I forgot how the acronyms work. I’ll work on it.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Card
I am so so SO sorry to hear this and what you are going through. I am only 8 months into my journey after H BD me so I am by no means in any position to offer amazing advice like the vets. What a horrible position to be in to feel like you need to choose between your mother and your wife.
I think the first thing is to determine if this is the sole problem. It could just be part of the issue and she has a lot more underlying issues. I am not sure if she’s going through any sort of MLC but I feel my H is and it seems they grip at any tangible reason even though there is underlying issues which are the real problems. Easier to shift blame than look within and work on yourself. I think it’s great you’re both going to counselling. Amazing she’s willing to talk and hasn’t completely shut down.

In regard to your mother and how to deal with this I have no advice but I can tell you a bit about my family. My dad has been with my mum since they were 14 years old. They are childhood sweethearts and so so in love. My dads family never wanted my mother. They made their life hell early on before us kids were born ( dad is in his mid 60s now). They never wanted my mum and always tried to poison my dad against them. Dad cut them out of his life when they were younger then as adults tried to reconcile but again they started their manipulative games including their siblings being involved. He finally cut them again about 15 years ago and won’t even let them back in to try and poison his relationship and marriage. He is very bitter at them for this and said he would always choose my mum and us kids any day over them.
I know this doesn’t really help you but I just wanted to highlight that I think this sort of thing happens alot. Families place expectations on their kids as to who they choose as spouses. My in-laws never liked me because I wasn’t within their perfect little box ( they are slightly racist too which I can’t stand considering I have European background). They never made me feel comfortable and it was a horrible feeling but H distanced himself too from them. It is only now in the midst of his MLC that they are getting vocal and likely manipulating his moves and he is being the dumb one to listen as he regresses.

It really is a sad time. I think you need to keep the communication open as much as possible with W and listen to her and validate her issues with your mother. It is a big thing. She may feel that your child together is never felt accepted by her too which can be a horrible feeling. Keep talking keep validating and keep being the lighthouse everyone talks about. I’m sorry I can’t help with solid advice but everyone is here to help as much as we can

[Card29]

Thank you, Pattnee. I wouldn’t hesitate to pick W over mom. In hindsight I should have set more boundaries and distanced ourselves from her more. Although the problems existed long before we moved to her street.

I also think there are more underlying issues. Hopefully she gets to the bottom of them for her sake. I think some are in our relationship, but I know there’s more. She went to Europe to visit her best friend twice this year. Gone for a total of 5 weeks with a 1yo at home and she never acted like she missed either one of us. I picked up on it and asked about it a few times. Finally a few weeks ago, after she’d had a couple drinks, she opened up and said she “didn’t feel any emotional connection to anything”. Said she felt like she could have not come back and didnt feel like she would have missed anyone, including S1. That was deeply troubling, and she even admitted it was. That’s when we started counseling. I’m not an expert but I don’t get the impression that it’s common for a WAW to also lose a connection to their child?

[Pattnee5]

As a female who has had kids do you think she may have a bit of post natal depression? I know I got that with my son and I was hating everything and everyone including my own H at that point. I wanted to escape to leave to not be married anymore. It was around when my son was 18 months old and lasted a good 6 months or so. However I had no issue bonding with my son and loved him dearly but I was so down in the dumps too. It’s a horrible feeling and you just can’t explain the hormones. Everything and everyone bothers you. I got a lot of help therapy and it worked wonders to find your own happiness again

[Card29]

I’ve wondered this off an on for the last few months. I honestly don’t know. If she is suffering from that, I’d guess it’s still one ingredient in the chaos cocktail she’s experiencing. I know she is at least trying to work on herself, so hopefully the pros plus time can truly help her. She’s on texting/calling terms with her neurologist, and she’s getting set up with a regular counselor. We’re currently working through a few free appointments through my work’s EAP

[Card29]

Journal:

Woke up with that “oh that wasn’t just a bad dream” feeling. Did not miss that from D#1.

Just feel sick this morning. Cant focus at work. Almost scared to see D11 later.

I also am reliving the pain of D#1, too. Not sure why that’s coming back for the first time in many years.

And I need to find new support IRL. My mom was my main support last time and this time she was a thorn in my M.

I’ve had a lot of close friends move far away in the last two years. My friends lately have been people that drink a lot and guys at work I play golf with but dont share much personal stuff with. I just feel very lonely

[Card29]

Another aspect of this I'll jot down. We have a decent age difference. I was her first serious R. I was aware of this and waited longer than I initially wanted to propose. I wanted to see if she really wanted to stay, and she was unwavering until 12 months ago, or less. But I wonder if some of this is just her wanting to explore, like she got into a serious R before she knew enough about herself. I don't think there's going to be clean understanding due to how MS also changed her brain and body over the last 6+ years.

I was reading through other threads and was reminded of another thing I'll share from recent months. We always shared our phone locations for convenience. We had 100% trust and never worried what the other was up to. We just used it for "I wonder how close they are to getting home" etc. One day I was home with S1 and needed to go somewhere, but had to wait for W to get home. She told me she had some errands to run after work. I was wondering where she was, so I checked. She was at a thrift store. Thrifting is her hobby, and they don't have a return policy so I knew she wasn't running an errand there. I knew she was just shopping. I didn't know what to do. This wasn't a huge lie, but it was just a little annoying. I called her to see what was up and she was like "I'll be home soon, I had to go to the post office, etc etc". Didn't mention thrifting. Later when we were together, I told her I knew she was at Goodwill. It felt gross and controlling but I didn't want to bury it. I was more bothered that it felt like she was hiding it from me than the fact she went there. She did not like this at all. I don't blame her. Like I said, it felt controlling and I never ever thought of location sharing like that. I also never experienced her lying/bending the truth to me before that, either, so I was just caught by surprise. She stopped sharing her location and never turned it back on. It's just another puzzle piece. I stopped sharing my location yesterday after BD.

[Card29]

Another journal: Why did I get in an R again and expect things to be different?

My first M was not great from the start. I was reluctant to date her, and things just never came all that easy for us as a couple. We didn't share a ton of common interests, she was clinically depressed a lot of the time. I was devastated our family was torn apart, but once I finally let go, I was able to see how I'd been forcing that R to work a lot of the time. We never should have been married.

W#2 was the opposite. There were fireworks, and they lasted for years. I thought we were so natural for each other. I especially loved how tight our senses of humor were. We laughed all of the time. We both loved riding bikes, playing in kickball leagues, watching the same movies and TV shows. We wanted to be with each other all of the time until she seemed to change into a different person about a year ago. It has been so painful to watch all of that vanish over the last year. I've wanted a forever wife/family ever since I was a kid. I thought I'd messed up the first time but had found a perfect match the second time. This is a going to be a long road for me no matter what the future is.

And I'm afraid I don't have the support system for it this time. Like I said, I don't have a lot of close friends right now. I've known so many great people that I've been close with, but they all moved hundreds/thousands of a miles away, and I always wanted to be connected to people that live around me, people I can spend time with on a regular basis. I lost touch with most of them and maybe text the other handful once every few months. And for my immediate family, my dad passed away 12 years ago, middle sister and I are not close (in fact she was hostile towards W early in our R, too, because she sided with my mom on everything). Younger sister is awesome but has 3 kids, 2 special needs, and lives 2 hours away. I will share some phone calls with her, but she isn't going to be a rock. And then there's my mom. Like I said, she was a pillar of support the first time. Not only is that not going to be the case this time, she helped blow up this M. And she lives 2 doors down. I'm sick about it.

[Pattnee5]

Oh Card I am so sorry to read this. I remember that feeling all too well, the feeling someone has physically ripped your heart out, you can’t breathe, you can’t eat, the stress of it all is exhausting and painful. Let the emotions go, cry when you need to cry, exercise if you can ( it’s a huge help to go to the gym or hit a boxing bag anything to get the blood flowing no matter how depleted you feel).

It sounds like your W is not in a good place at all and running. Running from problems and running from life. There would be a lot to unpack there for her but like I said at least she is seeking counselling which I think is a big tick. Whether it helps nobody knows. These are her issues and hers alone to try and work through. We can only support we can’t fix. You need to start looking after yourself and the kids of course while being there to support W when she needs it. Remember whatever she is going through, whatever destructive path she is going down, don’t let her take you down with her. She can destroy her life bur don’t let her destroy yours too. She is obviously going through a lot I would say depression is in there ( postnatal quite possibly) the thrifting you mentioned that’s her escape you said she likes it, she was obviously in a down mood and needed to fulfill her needs of making herself happier at that point and that involves shopping. I think you need to let her do what makes her feel better for now no matter how selfish that is if her. She’s trying to navigate a dark time in her life. Just be sure to have your boundaries where it affects you.

In regard to support I am so sorry to hear you feel you have nobody. Keep posting on here there’s a lot of people around that can be an ear, journaling is great. What about searching up any local support groups in your area? I am not sure if there’s specific groups around for spouses that have been left or marital issues? Are you seeing a counsellor yourself alone ? May be worth asking them as to what else can be done to get you better support. Remember you need to be there for the kids now, you need to be your best version. Read DR again. Remind yourself how to GAL because honestly at the start you feel like you’re faking to make it and then one day everything just feels so much better