My Story (2)

[Boat14]

When I'm home, I'm otherwise engaged. If she needs help with something, I help her, but at the moment we are probably as close to separated as possible while being under one roof. Not even much texting.

The question is, can this be overdone? Is it possible to give too much "space?"

The reason I ask is because one of her core complaints that led to our breakdown was, "You don't seem to want to talk to me" or "Our conversations are too superficial." Wondering if the current state of affairs might just look like more of the same.

I have this exact same question! Since discovering this site and making my first post a week ago, I'm amazed at how similar my experience is to many others on here. I don't yet know how your situation turned out but I wish the best for you.

The answer is you can never ever ever give too much space. The only way to turn this around is she has to miss you. The number one enemy is pursuit. Which is what your brain is going to convince you to do. To be successful you will need lots of discipline. Most men who end up here lack discipline which is part of the reason they are here.

[Sunflyer]

When I'm home, I'm otherwise engaged. If she needs help with something, I help her, but at the moment we are probably as close to separated as possible while being under one roof. Not even much texting.

The question is, can this be overdone? Is it possible to give too much "space?"

The reason I ask is because one of her core complaints that led to our breakdown was, "You don't seem to want to talk to me" or "Our conversations are too superficial." Wondering if the current state of affairs might just look like more of the same.

I have this exact same question! Since discovering this site and making my first post a week ago, I'm amazed at how similar my experience is to many others on here. I don't yet know how your situation turned out but I wish the best for you.

This post of mine is from a while ago. As I am today, the answer to the question is automatic. I assume you saw Boat14's reply.

What is best for you is typically counterintuitive to what you think.

[Sunflyer]

Sunflower,

I read your posts and truly feel for you. Four years ago my WW had a one night stand in a hotel and I discovered evidence on her tablet. She lied about it till I showed her the evidence and then insisted she was "separated" when she live with me and our children.

She told me "I've been told it's not cheating if you say you're separated."

I am sure my W feels the same. To her, the marriage was dead long ago. Aside from issues of integrity or morality, the potential problem that stems from this is legal. We do not have a signed separation agreement in place yet. Unless I am mistaken, that agreement can have a clause in it that states something like, "We mutually agree that both parties can pursue relationships with others from this date forward."

Without that, I could theoretically use her affair against her in matters of custody, etc. Of course, this would mean a protracted and expensive court battle that I frankly cannot afford, and wouldn't be good for our children.

It's up to you if you expose the affair or keep quietly doing detective work. Your wife is already out the door in a manner of speaking. Only a miracle can stop this.

If she has had a physical affair already, you may see personality changes. In my WW it was extreme as if something had taken over her. This is what is called "affair fog" - they will spend money recklessly and make foolish decisions. My ex wife later told me she didn't remember much of what happened during this time.

I cannot control her, only myself. She has completely changed her values and view of our marriage over five months, rewriting history and making everything appear to be my fault, which is common.
Her mother is apparently advising her on the men she is meeting...yes, my MIL is actually encouraging her to take up a relationship with another man while we are still married.

I don't see a point in exposing it right now, but that time may come soon. Personally, I think she is aware that I know. She spends a lot of time on the phone with the OM, clearly documented in the last phone bill. She seems to have decreased the amount of time she spends on the phone with her mother while she is home, which is where I overheard the conversation between them that proved that her mother knows about it and is encouraging it.

I suspect she has difficulty finding places to meet him. If the ID I got when searching his phone number is correct, he lives about 35 miles away. She could turn off the tracking on her phone while she is with him, or place the phone elsewhere so it shows a false location, but then she would not be notified if an emergency occurred or one of our kids needed help.

Every WW is different, but my WW was so flippant she didn't even make a budget for her living expenses after separation. They will agree to some rather bad terms because all they want to do is get out of the marriage and feed their affair addiction.

This does not mean that you hide financial resources or deliberately give her less. It means you keep as much as you can, that you worked for.

I did mediation with my wife and I filed for divorce immediately to protect myself, my house (I bought her out) and my kids (of which I have primary custody). Since she moved straight in with OM I did not have to pay alimony despite being married for well over 10 years. Child support was shared expenses and I kept all my retirement plans.

Budgeting has always been my department in the marriage. She has never budgeted. I have always kept our heads above water financially. Letting one's mind run wild doesn't help, but personally I think she is after a very rich guy; the client list at the firm where she works is full of them. The OM has virtually no internet presence--I don't see place of employment, web pages, or social media accounts anywhere. And where he lives is super expensive. My guess: he's independently wealthy or retired. She sees him as her ticket out because her finances won't be ideal without me. She'll lose beneficiary status on my pension and the healthcare for life she could have had.

Most likely outcome if I had to guess: house goes to her (she wants it, her parents have the money to buy me out and I do not have the money for same), joint custody, hopefully no alimony (we both make six figure salaries that don't have a huge discrepancy), and I will owe child support and a chunk of my pension (which might be a chunk of zero since I don't know now if I'll be able to retire while paying her plus rent).

I wish you all the best.

Thank you. I do know one thing: regardless of outcome, I will have to forgive her, because otherwise I am holding anger and frustration that I do not need for the rest of my life, and which will only harm me. I am not betting on reconciliation, and I am in something of a state of flux as to whether I'd want it if I had the opportunity for it. I have been with no one else for 26 years. She was my first and only choice of partner for all that time. I think I deserve to be viewed the same by someone else, not just as a fallback if her other relationships collapse.

If we did somehow patch it all up, though, I would have to agree with myself that this incident is dead and buried. There's another poster on here whose marriage came back from an affair, and her husband dredged it up years later as a justification for leaving her, causing more anguish and hurt. I couldn't break promises like that.

[Sunflyer]

One of my recent goals was to increase my GAL time. I have been getting out, but most of that time coincides with her work hours, so I guess it doesn't seem like I'm out much.

Tonight I went out. W wasn't home when I left; best guess is that she was seeing OM after work.

She got home before I did. She asked where I went. I told her "out" and said nothing more, starting to walk away. (Taking advice I've gotten here, I know I owed her no explanation).

She asked again. My reply: "I just went out for a while."

Then, "Are you okay?" (sounding like something wasn't sitting right with her). I said, "Yes," and left the room.

Haven't gotten a rise out of her like that in a while. Normally when she sees me, she says nothing or mutters "Hi" so quietly I can barely hear her.

[Drh2001]

It sounds like she's a bit worried - not for you - but for herself. She doesn't know what to expect.

This is where 180s come in (though you won't advertise it). It's the unexpected that throws them off.

While she is out breaking every moral she ever held dear to her, you'll be improving your life.

Let her think what she wants.

[Ready2Change]

Let her think what she wants.

and don't tell her any details about anything. Your new behavior, what you think about anything, why do are doing anything etc.


H:"I am going out"
W:"With who?"
H:"A few friends"
W:"Who"
H:"People you don't know"



H:"I have something important to do"
W:"What"
H:"Nothing you need to worry about"


W:"Are you OK?"
H:"I am great!" (Or any other words like terrific or wonderful and amazing ect)


W:"Why did you move the bed?"
H:"I decided I wanted it there." (Use the most simplest statement to get the point across, then do not give any more details)

[Sunflyer]

Not a good couple of days.

Yesterday was my birthday, and I can say that this was easily the worst I've ever had.

W told me she had a "busy" day but actually spent the afternoon with her AP. (Not speculation; eavesdropped on another phone conversation and that's where she was). Plus, the dead giveaway: she removed me from the tracking on her phone after about 11:00 A.M. I did the same, so we are now both in "divorce mode" as far as knowing each other's whereabouts.

Another overheard remark: "I wished him a happy birthday. I'm trying to be nice. I bought a small ice cream cake. I have to put on this show because it's his birthday."

She wanted to order from the pizza parlor and asked me what I wanted. Told her to order whatever she liked. Asked me if I wanted anything special. I wasn't really hungry.

I didn't play this very well. It was obvious to her I was out of it, but I didn't lose my temper or anything. She asked whether or not I felt well.

My son called from college and both sons and W sang to me later. I blew out the candles and ate a piece of cake but wanted to be somewhere else.

She left me a card on the kitchen table. (For latecomers to the story, the last card she gave me was on Father's Day, and that was a condolence card. It actually said "thinking of you at this difficult time" or something like that). I didn't bother opening or reading the new one. It's still on the kitchen table.

She texts me this morning and wants to "talk" this weekend. My guess is that she is going to fess up. I'd be shocked if she doesn't think I know. Cutting off the phone tracking is basically announcing it. She also says that she will have "plans" for the weekend of 10/28-10/29. Her next round of surgery is 10/31. Pretty easy to figure out what she will be doing that weekend since the surgery will put her out of commission for a while.

I have visions of her basically saying, "I have another man. We will be going away that weekend. You need to watch S14 while I cheat on you." Or she could just lie to me like she did yesterday.

So...how to respond. I can speak firmly but calmly and not show anger. If she confesses, I know how I'd like to respond. Not with anger or profanity but with disappointment. Probably no matter what I do, I won't be acting consistently with DB. Mainly I'd like to acquit myself well. I'm doing this for myself and the better man I am becoming. I felt I was beginning to detach but now I can't really see a future with her, or at least this version of her.

[Kind18]

So...how to respond.

Only you can answer that question.

Personally, I think your best chance lies in being the first to act and making one big, swift move.

Put all her stuff on the kerb, message her and say “I know all about AP, I wish you both the very best. It’s best you live somewhere else, your stuff is on the kerb for collection. All the best, Sunflyer”

But I also know that’s an incredibly hard thing to do when you’re a battered, broken husband. I certainly wouldn’t have been strong enough to do it when I was in the middle of my breakup, but boy do I regret not doing it.

We’re all here for you Sunflyer. The pain is… immeasurable.

[Pattnee5]

Happy Bday Sun. I am so sorry it wasn’t a good one for you. It must be absolutely horrible to overhear all that stuff on your birthday. Just mark this down as a bad one and put it away. Far far away. In time you will have so many more birthdays that will be far better than this one and eventually this one will just be a distant memory.
Every day the sun rises and it’s a chance for a new beginning, a new story. In regard to what to say when W confronts you. That’s tough. I love Kinds advice but geez that’s impossible. Even I couldn’t do that but I certainly would want to

[Rockon]

(Edited) Sun, that (edited).

Happy belated birthday. Can you plan your own birthday get together with friends this weekend? We are in your corner here.