I seem to have done it so now for an update... I promise I am hearing what advice is being given to both me and others but suspect I'm a slow learner! I've found the past few days really difficult. I'm not having contact with H but he's messaging both S & D and saw D today. She came home in floods of tears and I'm so angry. I've done everything I can to put him in a positive light and encourage them meeting but when he took D for a coffee today, she said he was cold, detached and sly. She said he evaded her questions and seemed in a good place and like he couldn't care less that he has planted a bomb of devastation in everyone else's lives. She asked him why he hadn't responded to her messages and he said he didn't want to! I really want to message him calling him out for his behaviour but know that's the wrong thing to do. D challenged him on the impact of his affair and the fact he continues to see OW (I did not tell her to do this)& he said his behaviour was unforgiveable. I sort of think he is wanting me to push for divorce so he doesn't need to make a decision (I won't give him the satisfaction of doing this). He told D his head was in a mist and he couldn't think straight. Poor him! I have to pick up all the pieces & try and rebuild D from her heart being broken. S (19) was furious when he got home and saw his sister upset. He left the house to go to the gym & called his dad and told him he was selfish and thoughtless amongst a number of choice words. I don't know whether to try and stop S from doing this and try and smooth things or just let him get it off his chest. Feeling like I'm on an extreme roller coaster of emotions and struggling to see a way forward. Trying to detach but definitely not mastered this skill yet.
…when he took D for a coffee today, she said he was cold, detached and sly. She said he evaded her questions and seemed in a good place and like he couldn't care less that he has planted a bomb of devastation in everyone else's lives. She asked him why he hadn't responded to her messages and he said he didn't want to!
Yep, sounds about on script. H is basically behaving like a teenager. A rebellious teenager. Much worse than an actual teen, and he has a bank account. He is going to run and anyone who gets in his way he will mow down.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I've done everything I can to put him in a positive light and encourage them meeting…
Best you stay clear of things. Definitely do not demonize their Dad. However, if you get in the middle of things, and when - that’s when not if - when things go off the rails, you will have both sides mad at you.
Your kids will lash out at you enough, since you are the strong stable parent. And they cannot “yet” risk loosing Dad. Don’t worry it doesn’t last too long; kids do find their way.
You job is not to facilitate (nor repair) their relationship with Dad. You job is to not destroy it.
H will likely wreck his relationship along with everything else. It’s ok. (((Hug))) Be there for your kids. Teach and guide them towards compassion and understanding and empathy and forgiveness. Leave it to H to rebuild with them if/when he finds that part of his path.
Originally Posted by MA1970
S (19) was furious when he got home and saw his sister upset. He left the house to go to the gym & called his dad and told him he was selfish and thoughtless amongst a number of choice words. I don't know whether to try and stop S from doing this and try and smooth things or just let him get it off his chest.
Blasting Dad, like you blasting H, might feel good for the short term, then guilt will settle in. Gently guide your kids. If they ask, explain MLC and Dad’s torment. And how his path has nothing to do with them. He is driven by unrealized forces and pains from long ago. The more pressure H has the more he will run. And kids do not want any hand in that anymore than you do.
Encourage safe and healthy emotional release of pent up anger to get things off their chest. And encourage control of self when dealing with Dad. To not make emotional choices and decisions.
I know the roller coaster you and the kids are riding. It’s perfectly normal to take a little while to get off the ride and find detachment.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I’m going to ask a few questions and give some advice, forgive me if it seems a bit abrupt.
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and I'm so angry.
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I really want to message him calling him out for his behaviour but know that's the wrong thing to do.
Why? Why do you think you need to get angry? There is NOTHING you or anyone else can say that’s going to make any difference. One of the key rules of DBing is to act as-if and like you don’t care, because it makes them curious. You losing your sh*t at him just because you’re having a hard time managing your emotions is exactly the opposite to what DBing says.
Go for a walk. Ring up your best friend and yell at her. Go and see your counsellor and tell them he’s a massive a**hole.
Unmanaged emotions in front of spouse do not align with DB principles. You need to get that under control.
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I sort of think he is wanting me to push for divorce
Maybe, maybe not. Who knows 🤷♂️ I’m pretty sure Albert Einstein couldn’t work out what’s going on in the head of a married person having an affair and ruining their family.
Best you stop wasting your time wondering, and get on living your life.
Maybe he’s banging three women at once. Maybe he’s got childhood trauma. Maybe he’s hiding it from his friends. Maybe maybe maybe… what a waste of time. You do you, let him deal with his steaming pile of sh*t.
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I don't know whether to try and stop S from doing this and try and smooth things or just let him get it off his chest.
Your job is not to solve your S and H’s relationship. Your only job is to facilitate time with his Dad if that’s what he wants. Trying to repair, save, foster, cajole them getting along isn’t your job. Your son is angry because your husband is being a d*ck. There’s nothing here to fix. You don’t take sides. Your son’s reaction is totally normal. It’s hard being a parent watching your child in pain, but he needs to navigate it himself and they need to manage their own relationship. Veterans who are much older and wiser than me on this website often say “Your job isn’t to repair or build your kids’ relationship with the other parent… it’s simply not to destroy it.”
Just empathise with him and be a safe space and light house as your son navigates it.
Good: “I’m sorry son, you must feel very angry.” “That sounds like a tough conversation.” “We both love you very much.” “I’ll always be here for you, I’ll always listen.”
Bad: “H is a twat.” “I’d never do that to you.” “You should…” “I don’t get why he’s doing it either.”
Come on MAS, you need to step it up a gear. Be a calm, strong, solid and rational beacon during this time.
I’ve been there, I felt like vomiting constantly for the first six months. But emotions are TEMPORARY. No matter what happens, one day, everything will be okay.
Thanks for kind responses. DnJ, you always manage to calm my mind and still give me hope. Thank you!
Kind18 - I've not been angry directly towards H or shown anger at the kids towards him. I've been trying to write my angry thoughts in a journal and this has allowed me to respond to Amy interaction with a calm manner but the stuff with the kids does get to me & I had a strong urge to act on this last night but posted, wrote in my diary and rode the storm. One of the things I'm struggling with is that it doesn't feel like I'm on a level footing with the OW. H told both kids that he was in a mist and trying to not make any decisions about his future whilst he feels he can't see things clearly. Son said he is "whipped" by the OW (I think this is teen talk for being obsessed). How does he get to see what he is missing with us /me when he has no contact with me? I know this is the DB process and everyone talks about it being counter intuitive but I am still struggling with the idea that I'm just letting him go away and choose to spend quality time with her & he spends none with me! I suppose this is where the detachment comes in but it's hard when I love him and want him back.
On the self care front, I aas getting a bit better at eating but the past few days have taken their toll on my appetite & I've only managed a couple of milky drinks. I'm still walking every night (It's been freezing here), I'm meeting with friends who are really supportive & I'm out to the theatre tonight and planning on dressing up to look good!
I’m glad you’re keeping your emotions in check around him, well done.
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H told both kids that he was in a mist and trying to not make any decisions about his future whilst he feels he can't see things clearly.
This is the LBS/WS power struggle. He doesn’t need to make any decisions because he’s getting sex from his affair person, but he knows you’re waiting in the wings ready to take him back if he clicks his fingers.
The person who wants to keep the marriage together has zero power. He’s getting the best of both worlds, why would he rush?
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Son said he is "whipped" by the OW (I think this is teen talk for being obsessed).
This saying is normally preceded with a part of the female anatomy. The urban meaning of it is that your husband is so weak and desperate to have sex with her, he is being a beta and will do whatever she says. It’s a pretty offensive term.
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How does he get to see what he is missing with us /me when he has no contact with me?
Humans (especially weak, mid life crisis cheats) crave what they can’t have. You’re available to him. He knows you’re ready and waiting. That’s unattractive. Why chase after you, when he already has you in his back pocket for safe keeping?
The counter argument would be if you want him to see what he is missing, then drop your own bomb - file for divorce, throw his stuff out in the street, change the locks, and get a boyfriend. Unfortunately, that’s bad advice and also counter to DBing.
The crux of this issue is the one I tried to highlight earlier. You want him to spend time with you so he can see what he is missing - because it’s what YOU want. Right now, he doesn’t want that. So even if you chained him down and spent a week showing him how great it could be, he wouldn’t see it. People only see what they want to see.
“I want him to…” statements are okay for this forum. But they’re a rabbit hole to pain. You can’t make this guy see what you see, you can’t make him want what you want, and he’s not going to snap out of it.
The only way they snap out of it is if they work it out for themselves.
Waking is good, but not enough. You should do some hard exercise every day. I wrote a thread about it. Hard exercise every day is the best thing you can do to smooth the roller coaster of emotions during divorce.
Well that…. Plus listen to DNJ’s lovely, grounding advice.
Maybe there should be a DBing book for children. Maybe only adult children. Limited knowledge of DBing would probably be quite helpful. Thoughts from the vets?
Maybe there should be a DBing book for children. Maybe only adult children. Limited knowledge of DBing would probably be quite helpful. Thoughts from the vets?
A great many ideas of divorce busting pertain to dealing with our emotionally distance spouse. And there is almost always a directed hurtful and disrespectful display from our spouse too.
Kids are usually collateral damage during bomb drop and its aftermath. And sometimes they are even targeted, not merely just within the blast radius, rather blasted directly.
Divorce busting encourages self control, realization of what one truly can control, and fosters accountability and self respect. Just a few of the tenets of DBing. Principles of life that kids certainly do benefit from.
A lot of situations the kids are still wanted by both parents. In some cases kids are weaponized and become pawns in a battle they want nothing to do with. And in some cases, like my own, kids are “divorced” from their own parent. Just tossed aside.
I’m a big proponent of gently steering children towards understanding, compassion, empathy, acceptance, and forgiveness. Depending upon the situation, and how inquisitive the youngsters are, depends on how much needs to be, or should be, shared. It’s a tricky landscape, especially when the LBS is freshly hurt, like the kids are.
I was particularly fortunate to find forgiveness rather quickly, along with understanding and compassion. I encouraged those lessons with my kids, having many conversations with them. And I’m a pretty hopeful empathic optimistic guy, so they got lots of that too.
Like I said, I was fortunate with what was placed in my path after bomb drop. A lot of fantastic information and lessons blessed upon me.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I'm really struggling with my emotions over the past week. I can't stop crying. I've just heard from D, who is out with her dad for dinner & he's taken his wedding ring off. She asked him and he said he thought I'd taken mine off when he saw me on Friday (he stayed with D whilst I went out). He'd commented on how nice I looked & questioned me about who I was out with and where I was going. He then said to D that "your mum was trying to wind me up making out that she was going in town with a man". I'd said no such thing, just that I was going out with a friend. I dont know what to do. I'm trying to keep going, take each day at a time, trying to keep busy and focus on what I want to do but my mind keeps dragging me back. I don't know how to keep moving forward. I read and re read the threads but just feel like I'm play acting. I'm still at work, which gives some structure to the day. My worst battle is reading worse case scenario into everything. Just had a cry to my mum, who said I need patience & time. She said that whatever happens isn't going to happen overnight & when it does, I'll be prepared and ready. Seems like a long way off. Sorry for the emotional rant
Hi MA, great to hear from you. We are here to be support and you can bring what’s happening in your life here it doesn’t have to be pretty and can be extremely difficult. I can certainly relate.
As such, no need to apologize for voicing what you’re going through in your feelings. Great job also reaching out to your mom. Good counsel from her.
I think it’s important for you to identify who is there for you right now, mom, close friends, therapist, family dr, family? Let your team know what you need from them. I learned from a friend who went through similarly painful challenges. His therapist told him to pick up the phone and call friends to get together and not stay isolated scrolling or texting ( or saying you are doing that).
I have been inviting myself over to friends places for support. What is going well for you? You are doing what you can to get through this. This is an acute trauma stage. How is your appetite/nutrition, sleep, exercise, and relaxation?
