My story is probably one you’ve all heard and gone through before, so here I am. I’m not quite sure where to begin, so I guess I’ll get to the gist of it and fill in backstories later. I’m here because my wife asked for a divorce. Right now, things are at my lowest. We have two children (one is an early teen and the other pre-teen). I’m not sure what to do.
I love my wife and at one time I was her everything. I am not sure, but I have suspicions that there Regardless, here we are. I would do anything to save this marriage, I just don’t know how to do it.
Thank you for allowing me in. I’ve been following this site for a month before finally joining. There seem to be great people here with good advice. I may talk about her so please forgive me if I do - she is my everything.
Welcome to the board. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. As you’ve seen there are many kind and compassionate folks with much hard-earned wisdom here, willing to listen and offer their suggestions.
Please feel free to fill in your back story and details. Ages, how long married, how long together, and such. Remain anonymous when giving details; no names or locations, that sort of thing.
I am copying Cadet’s Welcome thread for your reference. There are many useful links with much information and some beginning information on the forum.
If not yet done so, get the Divorce Remedy book and read it fully.
I look forward to further conversations with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation for a while, which just means your posts are to be reviewed by a moderator before getting displayed. Moderation is usually removed after new posters have created 5-10 posts.
Once your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread and continue on that thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your old full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi! Thanks for the reply! I do feel that there are great people here - I have read that after thread after thread. Some wonderful advice to be found and I’ve tried to follow it, but each day seems hopeless and that hallway is long with no doors in sight.
So here’s our story. I met my wife in 2009 when she moved back to Washington State. We are both prior military - Navy for me (hence my screen name) and she was Army, a Sgt as a matter of fact. A whirlwind romance - or so I thought - followed. We were married in 2010 and had a son that same year.
Funny how time allows one to pick out things that didn’t make sense back then. Looking back, things are starting to fall into place. Which leads me to thinking that there is someone else. Sigh. I guess this needs to be told, too.
When she was stationed in GA back in 2007 she met a guy who she was introduced to by one of her best friends (she’s still friends with her and her husband, and her husband was very good friends with the guy). She hasn’t talked much about that relationship as it was supposedly very painful for her. I was filled in on that part of her life by her friend and husband. Supposedly she was in love with this guy and they moved in together. Until one day her friend saw him at lunch with another woman. She was distraught and caught a transfer to another base.
I never had any concrete proof, but I do know that she and him follow each other on linked in. I’m not sure if they have talked but if I ever bring him up she denies it. A couple years ago she went on a business trip to GA (his state) and has a couple of times since.
I’ve seen her in her car talking on the phone and when she sees me coming to her she hangs up and said it was her friend. I had no reason to doubt then but maybe it wasn’t her friend. Maybe I should have asked.
It wasn’t long after her last business trip (her work has had her travel before, but not ever that far) that she said she wanted a divorce. Part of me is telling me it’s him she’s going to. I don’t think it’sa good idea to ask her work if those were real trips.
I’m at my wits end - what do I do? Thanks for listening.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I’m at my wits end - what do I do? Thanks for listening.
Ahoy JR...
What to do ???
First off, welcome to the best, worst place to be...
Nobody can ever envision them self being here, yet you will be surrounded by some really good people who know exactly how you feel and are experiencing the same feelings and emotions as you are....
I'm not gonna overwhelm you for now.
The reading assignments should keep you occupied for a good bit.
Read Cadet's homework, and ask questions.
One other thing that I can give you for now it this....
Sandi was our resident ALMOST WAS for a long time here, and I will post her adapted rules of contact/conduct...
Sleep, eat , and breath JR....
You are gonna be a sponge the next few weeks, adapting and implementing the information that is at your fingertips....
You will be just fine sailor.....just keep your oars in the water.....
Originally 37 rules also known as DB rules, from MWD, Sandi would post these as Sandi's list.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say � get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don� t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren�t speaking, but don�t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
Edit- There is a series of threads that Sandi2 has written They are linked together for easy reading. There is also a link in the homework assignment but just in case you missed it. I will provide it below.
Maybe if I had payed attention better I’d have seen the signs. I don’t know. She started getting more distant in the last few years. I just never put two and two together. I tried talking to her but she’d always say it was nothing. I thought maybe it was me, so I took her on dates again and weekend getaways. She’d act happy.
I’ve read a lot of threads on here. I’ve tried everything but nothing was right. One of my close friends suggested something I didn’t want to consider - to snoop. But that’s not me and I couldn’t bring myself to go down that rabbit hole. But two weeks ago I did. She has never changed the password on her old laptop and my curiosity got the best of me. In a hidden file I found many old pics of her and that guy. The last one which has a modified date of 3 weeks before. That sent me spiraling down into places I didn’t want to go. My mind went there.
The most recent of the pics was one of her, him, and her friend and husband labeled “the party, 2007.” It was that which made me start asking questions to her friend - I wisely didn’t mention finding the pictures. But they were tight lipped and I didn’t prod.
So what do I do? She still sleeps in the bed, but haven’t been intimate in a long time. It’s like she’s checked out. My concern is the kids. They are my world.
Mach's post is excellent advice for both brand newbies like yourself, JR, but also people who are struggling some months post BD ... take it to heart because it's DB gold platinum.
Last edited by bttrfly; 02/22/2309:05 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
