My heart is breaking. Been married for 20 years, both in early 50's, 2 teenagers. H has been distant for a couple of months coinciding with a night out where he didn't come home (never done that). He's always been incredibly faithful, loving, kind but we've had a lot of bickering. He drinks a lot & we haven't been intimate for over a year and it was infrequent before that. This is my fault, I just stopped bothering & thought I could get away with it. I've realised over the past two weeks that I've been pretty horrible to live with. Not giving him any positives, saying I love you but my actions don't correlate. I challenged him a few weeks ago about being distant, he'd also turned off his tracker (whole family is on the app) and taken away my access to his work rota (he does shifts). I asked if he had someone else and he said no. He said he didn't think we could change & he also said he no longer looked at me in a sexual way. He was cold. I begged, cajoled, blackmailed, cried etc etc, basically all the things I've now learned I shouldn't do.
I'm terrified of losing him, I feel so anxious. I'm second guessing his every move and presuming the worst. We still live together although in separate bedrooms. I'm trying to be different, more thoughtful, more caring but I just want him back. I've been crying this weekend and not been able to eat, he's offered to make me meals and when I asked for a hug laying down (fully clothed) he did straight away. I'm trying to avoid asking him things like this but needed it that night. I heard him crying in the spare bedroom this weekend. I don't know if he's shut off for self preservation, or because he's been (& still is) with another woman, or he's having a midlife crisis?
I'm frightened of giving him space because I've been distant and aloof for years snd I think this is what's driven him away. I think there's a chance of us reconciling but if I try to talk about it, he gets backed into a corner and refuses. I still think there is someone else but he's sleeping at our house & he doesn't go on any regular nights out. This is all my fault and I just want him to see that I can change, be more affectionate and intimate. Its like I turned the sex button off and now I want it back on again. This is probably a big ramble. I've trawled the forums for 2 weeks and got the courage to post. It scares me that a lot of the posts seem to be about surviving divorce.
Last edited by DnJ; 02/06/2304:03 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
My heart is breaking. Been married for 20 years, both in early 50's, 2 teenagers.
That's a long history. Sorry about your situation, but we're here to help.
Originally Posted by MA1970
H has been distant for a couple of months coinciding with a night out where he didn't come home (never done that).
Did you address what happened that night? Quite an elephant in the room if it happened out of nowhere.
Originally Posted by MA1970
This is my fault, I just stopped bothering & thought I could get away with it.
What do you mean "get away with it"? Why were you avoiding? Why did you not want to be intimate with him?
Originally Posted by MA1970
I've realised over the past two weeks that I've been pretty horrible to live with.
Time to change that. Don't be horrible, starting...now.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Not giving him any positives, saying I love you but my actions don't correlate.
But also don't become a super loving woman out of the blue now that he's behaving badly. Don't reward the bad behavior.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I challenged him a few weeks ago about being distant,
Ok, you asked once...now don't keep calling him out on it.
Originally Posted by MA1970
he'd also turned off his tracker (whole family is on the app) and taken away my access to his work rota (he does shifts).
He's being sneaky and deceitful, so...
Originally Posted by MA1970
I asked if he had someone else and he said no.
He's almost certainly lying to you. Sorry.
Originally Posted by MA1970
He said he didn't think we could change & he also said he no longer looked at me in a sexual way. He was cold.
He's being honest with you here...doesn't mean that can't change over time.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I begged, cajoled, blackmailed, cried etc etc, basically all the things I've now learned I shouldn't do.
Right. You did that. So did so many others here. Now time to stop that weak behavior ASAP. You need to completely flip your attitude and behavior to be totally happy and strong about what's going on and excited at the prospect of your freedom. If you can truly do that he may just start to wonder why. Fake it at first until you really feel that way.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm terrified of losing him, I feel so anxious.
I certainly understand feeling that way, but you need to know you're going to be alright no matter what. The faster you truly believe that the better you'll feel and more attractive you'll be.
Originally Posted by MA1970
We still live together although in separate bedrooms.
When and how did that start?
Originally Posted by MA1970
I've been crying this weekend
Try to do this on your own time; don't weap in front of him. You want to project a strong, happy mindset.
Originally Posted by MA1970
and not been able to eat
It's incredibly common for the LBS to lose 20-30lbs after BD. Start exercising, eating healthier. While you're losing the weight gain the muscle tone. THAT will make you more confident and more attractive.
Originally Posted by MA1970
when I asked for a hug laying down (fully clothed) he did straight away.
Stopping asking for things like that. Instead, focus your energy on becoming some attractive he'll want to on his own.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I heard him crying in the spare bedroom this weekend.
Don't worry about what he's doing. Get busy on yourself.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I dont know if he's shut off for self preservation, or because he's been (& still is) with another woman, or he's having a midlife crisis?
All of the above?
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm frightened of giving him space because I've been distant and aloof for years snd I think this is what's driven him away.
Pressuring and pursuing is NOT going to fix this...even if you were distant and aloof for years.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I think there's a chance of us reconciling but if I try to talk about it, he gets backed into a corner and refuses.
The #1 rule here is no R talks. Do not back him into a corner and ask about R'ing. He needs to feel free. Start moving the other direction and make him wonder what is going on.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I still think there is someone else
I hate to say this because I know it hurts, but you're almost certainly right there.
Originally Posted by MA1970
but he's sleeping at our house & he doesn't go on any regular nights out.
You'd be amazed at the stories of how affairs are pulled off...even when "every minute was accounted for".
Originally Posted by MA1970
This is all my fault
It is NOT all your fault. You played a part for sure, just like everyone else (no ones perfect), but he's the one who is cheating. Don't let him off the hook for his cut.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I've trawled the forums for 2 weeks and got the courage to post.
Glad you built up the courage. Posting here and hearing others' feedback and advice and even just any response at all helped me quite a bit. I think it'll help you too. But you get back what you put in so you have to stay at it and keep posting and heed the advice. Many folks post for a month or two and then fall off. This is going to be a long process. Dig in. You'll get through this.
Originally Posted by MA1970
It scares me that a lot of the posts seem to be about surviving divorce.
I understand that. Unfortunately the reality is many of the stories here the marriages are so far gone and aren't saved. But there are marriage successes, and more importantly even when the marriages aren't saved the individuals heal and make their lives better.
Last edited by DnJ; 02/06/2304:05 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
You may be on moderation for a while, which just means your posts are to be reviewed by a moderator before getting displayed. Moderation is usually removed after new posters have created 5-10 posts.
Once your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread and continue on that thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your old full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Good morning MA. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m still a newbie myself. My BD was April’22. The people here are awesome and can help you so much if you let them. A lot of the advice is hard to implement at first, trust them. I’m roughly 10 months in and have just started to detach. It really helps. It helps calm your mind and brings a little peace. I struggled to heed the advice I was given at first, probably everyone does. It’s hard to imagine giving someone space that you think you are losing. It will get easier with time. Time will creep by. You will survive. My W of 25 years told me all the standard things and I was shell shocked. It will get better. Don’t keep blaming yourself and beating yourself up. Acknowledge the changes you should make and focus on you. He’s not innocent by any stretch. My first reaction was to take all the blame. As I got further into this mess and wasn’t operating out of fear, I was able to rationally look at our R and see that neither of us were perfect. No one is. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle to do the right things, it hard. I’ve made more mistakes than I can count. When you mess up, acknowledge it and get back to work. When you feel like having an R talk, don’t. That was my weakness. Post on here instead. Sometimes you just need to vent. You will be challenged. Don’t take it personally. Everyone here wants the best for you. We’re all in this together.
First of all, MA, welcome and I'm really sorry you're going through this. As others have noted, this is a safe haven, FOR YOU. DO NOT share this space with your H ...
Secondly, I think BL's question is worth some deeper introspection on your part:
Originally Posted by MA1970
This is my fault, I just stopped bothering & thought I could get away with it.
Originally Posted by BL
What do you mean "get away with it"? Why were you avoiding? Why did you not want to be intimate with him?
I don't think you're at a time in your relationship where you can fully implement some of her sex-starved marriage advice, but I DO think you need to figure out what prompted this behavior on your part. This is the piece you need to own and do your best to understand. Once you understand what made you behave this way you can address those issues yourself either in IC or by digging deeper to become the wife any man would be a fool to leave.
Keep posting. We're here to help.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you BL42 for your reply. I know your replies have come from experience & compassion but some of the responses were really tough to hear. Even though I know they're probably true, they still activate that desperation to make him want me again.
We've not been in the same room for a few years, largely due to his horrendous snoring but also probably because it helped me avoid sex. We were still intimate in other ways. The avoidance of sex on my part probably started off with me being unhappy about my body & then I just had a general loss of libido and almost became frightened of sex. We still laughed and loved each other and that's where my statement about getting away with it came from.
Last edited by DnJ; 02/06/2305:54 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
Thank you Mike, I found this really helpful to hear someone else is thinking / doing the same things. I really find it hard to try and detach. The thoughts and emotions are so strong at the minute. I think you're right about the fear. I'd not recognised it as that but think you're right. Can I ask if you and your wife are making a go of it? I know I shouldn't focus on this but it's all my mind can consider.
Thank you Dnj. I've looked at quite a few of these articles and they're helpful. I've got the Divorce Remedy book but wondered if the Divorce Bustering book offers anything more?
I see you’ve already met a couple of the fellow posters here. As I’m sure you realized trawling around for a couple of weeks, there are many kind and compassionate folks here with much hard-earned wisdom. Folks from all over the world, with differing backgrounds and stories and situations; and along different points on their respective journeys. That volume of viewpoints is the heart and strength of this place.
A lot of the advice and suggestion you will receive will be counterintuitive (at first). It will sound wrong. It will seem like the incorrect way of behaving. We are programmed to react and grab and run after, when things are being unwillingly pulled away from us. One of everyone’s first and biggest battles is getting a handle on themselves.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy yet? If not, get one. And read it cover to cover.
DR is your playbook. Your resource. Do not share it, or tell H about it. He will likely react poorly. Most troubled spouses will see such a resource as an attempt at manipulating them or coercing them back; not seeing the sincere desire to save your marriage.
That is the same for this site. Ensure you clear the browser history and cache from the home computer. Logging in by phone of other portable device does provide more privacy, being more personal. Very few couples share a phone. A phone is a ubiquitous extension of people nowadays. I’d recommend changing your passwords to ensure the sensitive details your share here, and strategies and wisdom of the board between you and “us”.
One of the first steps in DR is the Beginner’s Mind. We all become experts of our lives as the years passed by. You are in your fifties and lived many experiences and have much wisdom. You are an expert of your life. And like any expert, we get focused and narrow our view.
Everyone sees and interprets the world and events through their own lens. We colour everything with our experiences and sum of our lives thus far. Thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, convictions, prejudices, biases, hopes, dreams, fears, and so on; all colour our view of things.
Work to find your beginner’s mind in all this.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm terrified of losing him, I feel so anxious. I'm second guessing his every move and presuming the worst.
A beginner’s mind, one not predisposed and presumed and expecting the worst outcome. A mind and outlook of what is possible.
For near anything is possible. I sincerely believe that. And hope lives within the possibilities. And nothing kills hope better than expectations and timelines/deadlines.
The first step along the counterintuitive path.
Be clear, the path is not some false hope stuck in denial. Nor is it a guarantee of a successful saving and reconciliation of your marriage.
This path will absolutely save you, and will provide you your best chance at saving your marriage.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm frightened of giving him space because I've been distant and aloof for years snd I think this is what's driven him away. I think there's a chance of us reconciling but if I try to talk about it, he gets backed into a corner and refuses.
One of the tenets of divorce busting - do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
You can attempt something and see what happens. Fear not, no one things you do or don’t do is going to fix or destroy this situation. However, repeating attempts that garnered negative results does and will push H away.
From what you’ve seen, talking to H about the relationship backs him into the corner and he just shuts down. So, stop that behaviour for now.
Yes, for now. Like I said, you can attempt anything. And when/if you get a non-positive result do not try again for a good long while. There will come a time when talking about R will garner positive response, but that will not be for a while. Be patient. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
In DR, read the part of a solution journal. Building such a written and thought out guide really brings to the fore what you have attempted and what is working. And by the way, things are working in your situation. There are many positives. H is still there.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I've trawled the forums for 2 weeks and got the courage to post. It scares me that a lot of the posts seem to be about surviving divorce.
Everyone is along different points in their path. Most posters who reconcile understandably do not remain here.
Surviving a divorce, or pending divorce, or potential divorce is and will be discussed. It has to be. You need true accurate information to form and base your decisions and actions upon.
Presently, in For Newcomers there are quite a few hopeful situations of solid divorce busting ongoing. Realize, no one can see all ends, nor guarantee what will happen. The most one can do is play the cards they were dealt, grow, learn, and become the best version of themselves.
Right now, just breathe. Focus on you. And work towards detachment.
You have the gift of time.
Dig for patience.
I look forward to speaking with you again.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you Mike, I found this really helpful to hear someone else is thinking / doing the same things. I really find it hard to try and detach. The thoughts and emotions are so strong at the minute. I think you're right about the fear. I'd not recognised it as that but think you're right. Can I ask if you and your wife are making a go of it? I know I shouldn't focus on this but it's all my mind can consider.
You’re welcome. The fear aspect was taught to me here. Detaching is so counterintuitive. Short version of my story: W was seeing a guy from work, swore there was no sex (didn’t/don’t believe it). Was supposed to end the A to work on us. Didn’t, I caught them in a public place together. Told her to end it or leave, she moved into her parents house leaving me with our 3 kids at home. After a few weeks of that arrangement I decided I wasn’t putting up with it any longer. Gave her the ultimatum- end the A or I’m filing for D. Gave her 24 hrs to decide. She ended it and moved home. Great, right? Not really. We’ve struggled and fought. Then I discovered MWD and this forum. I’ve gradually gotten better at following the advice given here. W doesn’t want to D currently and isn’t working on us either. Things are slowly getting better. We share a bed, have intimacy still, and she has become more affectionate towards me. Slowly. I don’t think anyone here would suggest the path I took regarding the ultimatum. I was mentally prepared for the worst and she surprised me. I couldn’t deal with the A any longer. Definitely not recommending it to you. Things may work for us, I’m luckier than most as far as the R we still have. Others have been through hell and back. I am thankful that my situation has been “easier” than most. What has helped me the most is trying to keep our family together. I don’t want my kids to go through a D.
