Not much new to report on. Had the same scenario occur last weekend where the OM showed up at d13's basketball tournament. Handled things much better. I was only mildly irritated by his presence, not angry. Did not check if W was looking at him like last time. Long day and he was there the whole time, directly across from us. I was proud of myself. I will admit to hoping we might bump into each other, mostly joking. Mostly. Didn't dwell on it and we had a nice day. D's team won the tourney, btw! Some things I have been thinking about lately. I'm riding this out with the hope that she comes around eventually. Before I ask the next question, let me say that these are just rambling thoughts. The answers don't necessarily change anything at the moment. Also, I am making the needed changes for myself, my future R, and for my kids. The changes were much needed regardless of how our current R turns out. Ok. I am making the changes I need to make, what happens with other sitches where they manage to reconcile? Does the other spouse usually decide to work on themselves at that point, on their own? I really can't see my W doing much. What if I put in the time only to find out she won't do anything other than saying she's committed to staying together? I guess that's a question for me to answer. Have others encountered this? How did you deal with it? I'm currently ok with us taking it "day to day" as she says, as long as there is not an active A. At what point do I decide enough is enough? It still weighs on me that each new day could be the day she leaves. I don't dwell on it all day. I do think about it at times. When I gave her the ultimatum to end the A, I was mentally checked out. It may have ultimately been the wrong decision, but I just decided I couldn't handle it anymore. Did not want to handle it anymore. I don't regret the choice I made even though letting the A play out on it's would have probably been the "better" move. Gotta run to pick up d13, check back later. Thanks as always.
Sitting here waiting for D, I realize that some of my previous post would have been good to write in a journal. I haven’t started journaling and should.
If she's walked before and ends up wanting to walk again, chances are these are her issues that she doesn't want to address that you may or may not be exacerbating, and she doesn't believe in her heart that she can navigate back to "happy" with you.
As you probably know, the only way she's going to overcome that deeply held belief is for you to open the cage door and completely cut her free. If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:
1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value 2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone 3) She's willing to work to win you
Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.
Thanks LH, makes sense. So not only does she have to want to be with me, she must be willing to work on herself. Same rules that apply to me.
Well it depends on what kind of relationship you want moving forward. She could just slide back into the relationship and you end up moving forward in a roommate situation. You have to decide what works for you.
On a side note does om have kids at these games? Why is he there?
Thanks LH, makes sense. So not only does she have to want to be with me, she must be willing to work on herself. Same rules that apply to me.
Well it depends on what kind of relationship you want moving forward. She could just slide back into the relationship and you end up moving forward in a roommate situation. You have to decide what works for you.
On a side note does om have kids at these games? Why is he there?
He does not have kids at the games. He has a niece that plays either jv or varsity but these are games in a freshman league. I guess he’s there to watch his old high school freshman team? Annoying regardless. Based on conversations earlier in this situation, I’m afraid the roommate situation is a possibility in her mind. She currently still initiates sex though. She is aware that a sexless marriage will not work for me and that I’m not interested in a roommate. We shall see.
On a side note does om have kids at these games? Why is he there?
He does not have kids at the games. He has a niece that plays either jv or varsity but these are games in a freshman league. I guess he’s there to watch his old high school freshman team? Annoying regardless.
I was going to ask the same question but LH beat me to it.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
that's a flimsy reason to be there IMHO.
Something's not right there.
Agreed. If he doesn't have a kid playing it sounds pretty fishy.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Thanks LH, makes sense. So not only does she have to want to be with me, she must be willing to work on herself. Same rules that apply to me.
Well it depends on what kind of relationship you want moving forward. She could just slide back into the relationship and you end up moving forward in a roommate situation. You have to decide what works for you.
On a side note does om have kids at these games? Why is he there?
He does not have kids at the games. He has a niece that plays either jv or varsity but these are games in a freshman league. I guess he’s there to watch his old high school freshman team? Annoying regardless.
I get the feeling when I read this, that you are somehow comparing yourself to this asshat....
Wondering what he has that you don't, and vice versa....
And I feel like that could be the source of what you feel when you see him. Aside from the anger of how a person could do this of course....
Are you comparing yourself to him in any way ???
Cause Mike....dude....
There is no comparison.....
He is only a symptom of the situation that you are in right now. A band-aid of sorts for what's going through her head....
This POS could be randomly showing up, and what you construe as her staring at him could very well be her wondering WTF he is doing there too....
I always want to defeat my enemy in their face, rather than behind his back. So while he is maybe wanting....YOU are the one there with her....
Applaud the 2% that she is doing right, rather than the rest she is doing wrong.
Life is about perspective.
So stop comparing yourself to this bottom feeder, cause in my book, he ain't half the dude you are....
And as long as you are in competition with him, then you stay at his level.
The goal is for YOU to rise above where you were...
