The pessimistic view: Work deadlines (very behind), lawyer stuff, divorce stress-related doctor's appointments (not to mention the f*ing STD test). Oh, and I need to keep looking for an apartment.
Now let me turn that around.
Work deadlines: I am a highly intelligent and competent person. I got this. But also, I am going through one of the worst things anyone can experience. So, I can be gentle on myself, too. Just get them done, no need to put undue pressure on myself.
Lawyer stuff: I am taking my power back.
Doctor's appointments: I am taking care of myself.
Apartment: I will find a new home and really make it mine. I am going to host the best dinner parties.
It will all work out.
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Lots of GALing planned: book club, various fitness activities, movies, concerts, dinners. My friends keep telling how much they look forward to having me back. I'm a popular girl. People like me. I have really solid friendships. I am proud of my ability to connect with people. I am fabulous.
Good luck! It's going to be a great new chapter in your life!
Originally Posted by marching
The pessimistic view: Work deadlines (very behind)
Originally Posted by marching
Work deadlines: I am a highly intelligent and competent person. I got this. But also, I am going through one of the worst things anyone can experience. So, I can be gentle on myself, too. Just get them done, no need to put undue pressure on myself.
In terms of work...on the one hand it can be a great way to deflect your focus from your sitch and get your mind onto something productive. On the other, also know that it's OK to slip a bit professionally if you have to take care of yourself personally. You won't always be going through this and it's alright to not be crushing it at work through this time.
Originally Posted by marching
Lots of GALing planned: book club, various fitness activities, movies, concerts, dinners.
Excellent! You're going to have a blast in Big City!
Originally Posted by marching
My friends keep telling how much they look forward to having me back. I'm a popular girl. People like me. I have really solid friendships. I am proud of my ability to connect with people. I am fabulous.
Yes you are! Your STBXH is CRAZY for throwing you away. You're going to look back on this at some point and realize how awesome your life has become in spite of it...or perhaps even because of it.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
In terms of work...on the one hand it can be a great way to deflect your focus from your sitch and get your mind onto something productive. On the other, also know that it's OK to slip a bit professionally if you have to take care of yourself personally. You won't always be going through this and it's alright to not be crushing it at work through this time.
Thanks for this, BL42. Managing work stress better is one of the big things I'm working on.
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Got some more info from the lawyer today. The D process is becoming much more concrete in my mind.
I now know which country's D process makes more sense for me, and that it would be beneficial for me to be the one to file. I now have a rough timeline and budget. It feels much more real. And wouldn't you know it, after feeling so gung-ho about D for a week, the new details give me pause.
Will give myself more time to reflect. Will talk it over with the DB coach and IC.
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Settling into my new temporary place. It's fine as a stopgap measure. I'm glad to finally have some privacy.
I'm quite a crier, but I've barely shed a tear since H's confession of the OWs. Partly because of shock, I think. And partly because I had no privacy at my parents' place.
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Today, I'm reflecting on the fact that I've been living out of a suitcase for half a year now, bouncing around several different cities. For the first few months it was because of an extended business trip and some personal travel. And the subsequent months was a consequence of the BD. I've endured much turbulence in my internal and external worlds, and there's much more turbulence ahead. I shall not waste this opportunity to grow. That would be the most tragic thing, to come out the other side not having learned anything.
In terms of work...on the one hand it can be a great way to deflect your focus from your sitch and get your mind onto something productive. On the other, also know that it's OK to slip a bit professionally if you have to take care of yourself personally. You won't always be going through this and it's alright to not be crushing it at work through this time.
Thanks for this, BL42. Managing work stress better is one of the big things I'm working on.
---
Got some more info from the lawyer today. The D process is becoming much more concrete in my mind.
I now know which country's D process makes more sense for me, and that it would be beneficial for me to be the one to file. I now have a rough timeline and budget. It feels much more real. And wouldn't you know it, after feeling so gung-ho about D for a week, the new details give me pause.
Will give myself more time to reflect. Will talk it over with the DB coach and IC.
---
Settling into my new temporary place. It's fine as a stopgap measure. I'm glad to finally have some privacy.
I'm quite a crier, but I've barely shed a tear since H's confession of the OWs. Partly because of shock, I think. And partly because I had no privacy at my parents' place.
---
Today, I'm reflecting on the fact that I've been living out of a suitcase for half a year now, bouncing around several different cities. For the first few months it was because of an extended business trip and some personal travel. And the subsequent months was a consequence of the BD. I've endured much turbulence in my internal and external worlds, and there's much more turbulence ahead. I shall not waste this opportunity to grow. That would be the most tragic thing, to come out the other side not having learned anything.
Hi marching!
I just caught up on your story. So sorry, even when you think you know there's an affair It's still really awful when it's confirmed. Especially if it's somebody you know. The roller coaster of emotions get better with time. Eventually the hills aren't so steep, but the affair thing always throws you for a huge loop. The whole self blame thing we do is so frustrating. It's even harder if the x is still somewhat nice and appears reasonable and kind because then they can't just be an evil person in your mind.
I'm so glad you're moving on and getting things done quickly. Agreed, a new place for you to start fresh again independently will be huge. Speaking as somebody who is a few months in the future from you, things just get better and better.
It's really nice to hear from you, Newborn. I appreciate you saying that things will get better.
I actually don't blame myself for H's infidelity at all. I own my part in communication issues and prioritizing work over him sometimes, but any issues we had are no excuse for betrayal. H also prioritized work over me on a number of occasions, but I never cheated. H has been somewhat nice and reasonable re: money (so far, hope it stays that way), but wow his last woe-is-me text was really ugly. Not directly blaming me for his unhappiness but implying it nonetheless.
My IC, who is familiar with the D process in Country B, suggested that I try to find out more details about the affair(s), because it could be useful in court, if it ever gets to that point.
I feel a lot of anxiety about this. I want to know, but I don't. Having more information could further my interests in a D. But how do I ask for this. I can't see H volunteering it unprompted, so I'd have to initiate.
Received the bank transfer. H sent way more than I requested and than he agreed to.
He's feeling guilty. His feelings of guilt will lessen with time, or at least the niceness does. Don't say anything about the money and proceed as planned.
Yup, I agree with that assessment, Newborn. H feels guilty right now. I just told him I received the deposit and thanked him.
He gave a thumbs up in response, but said nothing. Unlike the last time, when he said to let him know if I need more. Don't want to read too much into that. (But clearly I am thinking about it since I think it's noteworthy...)
I think I'm a bit paranoid now because I've looked into D so much more...I don't want this to turn adversarial.
So if you are going to find out more about the affairs and use that against him than it will certainly become adversarial. So I would suggest you decide what you want from the divorce, the best deal for you or a split that suits both parties.
Personally if it was me since you have no kids and live in separate countries and he is the one who wants out and had affairs, I would want the best deal knowing it most likely will get ugly.
