Mach, Thank you so much for your response! I have kept all of this close to the vest. I only speak with my support groups and counselor. I have learned the hard way to not talk about her faith At the beginning she was all into it. I try to let my faith guide me and part of that is why I think the NC is hard for me to not feel like an [censored]. As for family, I do not share anything beyond how it is going. As for when I said that my family is the most important I was referring to my wife and children.
SteveLW, One more thing. I started reading your thread in the newcomer section on DBing while living. You totally brought me back to Corinthians 13 and I appreciate it. This is a great guideline to ensure I protect myself and love my wife. Thank you for that post!
When is the right time to have conversations with a wayward wife.
Short answer : When she initiates.
Your main goal is to listen. Focus on every single word like you want to remember the whole conversation. Stay out of your head. Even more important, you want to understand her emotional state when she is talking. Which of the main six? Then try to figure out the sub level. Look up "emotional feeling wheel". Most people do not deal with the "Scary" emotions like anger as easily as they do with the "Good" emotions like happy. You should be able to deal with all of them the same way. "You look happy", "You sound angry", "I bet you were frustrated" should all be easily said.
Create a "topic" in your head. Kids,Money,Work,Relationship,Christmas etc
If the topic is relationship, keep your needs and opinions to yourself. "I am not sure" "I have not thought about that" "I need time to process what you are telling me" are perfectly good responses. Control your emotions. IF you feel like they will get out of your control, end the convo before they control you. One of many ways to end : "Thanks for sharing, I have something I have to do" and leave.
Google "henry cloud"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'll add, maybe not even when she initiates! Remember to be doing DBing well you need to be so busy that you don't have time to talk. "I have somewhere to be right now." No "sorry". No promise of a future discussion, just I have to be somewhere. Vague. Avoid telling her what you are doing or who are doing it with. Remember, she is firing you as her husband. She needs to start seeing what that looks like.
Glad you found the sticky helpful. We had had a rash of newbies when I wrote that who claimed that DBing felt unloving. It isn't! It is simply giving the WAS/WS exactly what they asked for.
Remember, if she initiates a discussion, you want to mainly just listen and validate her feelings. Right now R talks have little chance of helping you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It’s right on the money, NOT uncommon for WS/WAS to put relationships with kids on a back burner. Please prepare yourself to be an Awesome #1 DAD for ur kids and little bit of mum. Your kids will need.
100% did some step 7 work today and heading to a meeting tonight, need to figure out what this GAL though lol. Everything I’ve done in the past was with her and our friends. Since all this, I am home every night with S6 unless out of town for work. Need some night time activities that don’t involve me in a bar
At the beginning she was all into it. I try to let my faith guide me and part of that is why I think the NC is hard for me to not feel like an [censored]. 