So, here's my story. I could really use some advice. 4/2/22 had the talk- I love you but not in love, been talking to someone else, don't think I want to fix things, etc. Surprisingly I kept my cool, not something either of us expected. MY immediate reaction was to try and fix things, apologized for the things I did wrong in the past. Our biggest problem has always been our sex life and her inability to talk to me, she can't deal with any conflict no matter how small. After a day passed she decided she would stay and try to fix things. Most of April was rough, lots of tears from both of us and lots of arguments. I stumbled across another online group and found some usefull things, I now know that most of it was ripped off from Michelle. End of April I catch her and the guy together at a public park. She was sorry but didn't think things were going to work, I again kept my cool and convinced her that I was all in for fixing things if she would try. She wasn't sure and kept seeing him a few nights a week while still living with me and our three kids. She moved into her parents house the first week of May. Kept seeing him but coming home a lot as if things were normal. She even said to me once that she didn't understand why she couldn't just see him and me, like that is a normal thing. Finally on Memorial Day weekend I couldn't take it any more mentally. I was lonely, pissed, and had enough. I told her on Sunday morning she had 24 hrs to make a choice, me or him and if it was him I hated to see her go but she needed to get her stuff that week. Surprisingly, she ended it with him and came home. I didn't really expect her to move back in that soon but she wanted to. I left out the big problem for me, she works with the guy. At first he was a truck driver for the company and now he is a warehouse supervisor. They work in the same building and sometimes have to interact. I want her to quit, she doesn't want to. This new job of his started about a month ago. I've tried to deal with it, but I am struggling almost daily. She swears she only talks to him when necessary. I can't help but worry everyday that they are talking again. She is depressed and won't seek help, and won't go to counseling. She won't socialize with friends anymore, just works and goes to the gym. She says that there are times when she doesn't want to be at our home, would rather be alone somewhere else. We get along just fine until the anxiety about her job gets the best of me and I ask her to find a new job. I don't know what to do. She came home and still says she wants thing to work, but she won't do anything. She also expects me to believe that in the 6 months she was seeing him, going to his house 3-4 nights a week, they never had sex. I can't believe it and it bothers me that she won't admit it. Feels like a huge lie hanging over us. We have been married 25 years, together 33. We have 3 kids- D23, S17, & D13. They don't know about the other man. I feel as if I'm doing all the work, letting her off the hook for everything, and she won't help me get over it. She says she loves me and wants it to work. She hates conflict, hates talking about anything involving her emotions, and seems like a stranger at times. It's hard. I don't know how to deal with the work situation anymore. It bothers me most days.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 07:23 AM. Me-68, D36,S35
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you very much. I haven't been sure how to approach things since she came home because she isn't seeing him anymore and says she wants to work things out. I have read, currently rereading, divorce remedy and divorce busting.
So, here's my story. I could really use some advice. 4/2/22 had the talk- I love you but not in love, been talking to someone else, don't think I want to fix things, etc.
Standard operating procedure for WWS.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Surprisingly I kept my cool, not something either of us expected. MY immediate reaction was to try and fix things, apologized for the things I did wrong in the past.
This is surprising. Most beg and plead.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Our biggest problem has always been our sex life and her inability to talk to me, she can't deal with any conflict no matter how small.
No sex? You want more sex? She wants more sex?
Originally Posted by MikeP
She wasn't sure and kept seeing him a few nights a week while still living with me and our three kids. She moved into her parents house the first week of May. Kept seeing him but coming home a lot as if things were normal.
WWs love to cake eat. Have OM and keep family life.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She even said to me once that she didn't understand why she couldn't just see him and me, like that is a normal thing.
WWs are nutzos.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Finally on Memorial Day weekend I couldn't take it any more mentally. I was lonely, pissed, and had enough. I told her on Sunday morning she had 24 hrs to make a choice, me or him and if it was him I hated to see her go but she needed to get her stuff that week. Surprisingly, she ended it with him and came home. I didn't really expect her to move back in that soon but she wanted to.
Not surprising. Early on they are really confused and are not 100% ready to walk.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I left out the big problem for me, she works with the guy. At first he was a truck driver for the company and now he is a warehouse supervisor. They work in the same building and sometimes have to interact. I want her to quit, she doesn't want to. This new job of his started about a month ago. I've tried to deal with it, but I am struggling almost daily. She swears she only talks to him when necessary. I can't help but worry everyday that they are talking again.
If you are going to reconcile they can't work together.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She is depressed and won't seek help, and won't go to counseling. She won't socialize with friends anymore, just works and goes to the gym. She says that there are times when she doesn't want to be at our home, would rather be alone somewhere else.
Yep and the affair is an escape from her life.
Originally Posted by MikeP
We get along just fine until the anxiety about her job gets the best of me and I ask her to find a new job. I don't know what to do.
We will get to that later.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She came home and still says she wants thing to work, but she won't do anything.
That's because right now she has no desire to make it work but doesn't have an exit plan either.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She also expects me to believe that in the 6 months she was seeing him, going to his house 3-4 nights a week, they never had sex. I can't believe it and it bothers me that she won't admit it. Feels like a huge lie hanging over us. We have been married 25 years, together 33. We have 3 kids- D23, S17, & D13.
She definetly had sex with him.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I feel as if I'm doing all the work, letting her off the hook for everything, and she won't help me get over it. She says she loves me and wants it to work.
She's not being honest with you right now.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She hates conflict, hates talking about anything involving her emotions, and seems like a stranger at times. It's hard. I don't know how to deal with the work situation anymore. It bothers me most days.
Sorry you have a reason to be here but glad you decided to post - this forum has lots of people who know what you're going through and are here to support and advise you.
Married 25 and together 33 years is a long time. That must be extra difficult.
Hang in there - you WILL get through it. I recommend posting regularly - the more you put in the the more experienced posters will respond.
Originally Posted by MikeP
4/2/22 had the talk- I love you but not in love, been talking to someone else, don't think I want to fix things, etc.
Standard boiler plate script. She's high off the attention and her feelings are dwindling for you.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Surprisingly I kept my cool, not something either of us expected.
Impressive. Not many (myself included) do. Keep up that strength.
Originally Posted by MikeP
MY immediate reaction was to try and fix things, apologized for the things I did wrong in the past.
Very common.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Our biggest problem has always been our sex life
In what way? One of you wants it more (I assume you)? Have you started reading books on attraction and sex starved marriages?
Originally Posted by MikeP
and her inability to talk to me, she can't deal with any conflict no matter how small.
Sounds like an area you two need to work on.
Originally Posted by MikeP
After a day passed she decided she would stay and try to fix things.
That's good. More often goes the other way.
Originally Posted by MikeP
End of April I catch her and the guy together at a public park.
It's really hard to stop. Like a drug addict ending use.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She was sorry but didn't think things were going to work, I again kept my cool and convinced her that I was all in for fixing things if she would try.
Not great you had to convince her. She needs to come to this conclusion on her own. Having to convince her is holding on to something too tight.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She wasn't sure and kept seeing him a few nights a week while still living with me and our three kids. She moved into her parents house the first week of May.
What did the kids think? How are they doing?
Originally Posted by MikeP
Kept seeing him but coming home a lot as if things were normal. She even said to me once that she didn't understand why she couldn't just see him and me, like that is a normal thing.
Typical ridiculous selfish WS think.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Finally on Memorial Day weekend I couldn't take it any more mentally. I was lonely, pissed, and had enough. I told her on Sunday morning she had 24 hrs to make a choice, me or him and if it was him I hated to see her go but she needed to get her stuff that week.
Nice! Good for you. You seem stronger than most.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Surprisingly, she ended it with him and came home. I didn't really expect her to move back in that soon but she wanted to.
Again, good she decided this. Better than most sitches. But she needs to really want it and work hard for it. Did you require anything of her to come back, or was it too easy?
Originally Posted by MikeP
I left out the big problem for me, she works with the guy.
I've seen a new job or moving being listed as a requirement for reconciliation by some. I'm no expert here but think it's big trouble if they continue working together. Like the drug user analogy, being readily available makes it extremely tough to "just say no".
Originally Posted by MikeP
I can't help but worry everyday that they are talking again.
That's understandable / reasonable.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She is depressed and won't seek help, and won't go to counseling.
You can't save her - she can only save herself.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She won't socialize with friends anymore, just works and goes to the gym.
Are YOU socializing and going to the gym??? You should be.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She says that there are times when she doesn't want to be at our home, would rather be alone somewhere else.
That sounds honest.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She also expects me to believe that in the 6 months she was seeing him, going to his house 3-4 nights a week, they never had sex.
That's a lie. I'd bet my salary on it. Sorry.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I can't believe it and it bothers me that she won't admit it. Feels like a huge lie hanging over us.
Your gut is right. Sorry. They'll lie to your face and only admit to what they have to.
Originally Posted by MikeP
We have been married 25 years, together 33. We have 3 kids- D23, S17, & D13.
That's a lot of history. I hope you two can work through it.
Originally Posted by MikeP
They don't know about the other man.
They know something's up. They probably know more than you realize. How are they doing? What are they saying about everything?
Originally Posted by MikeP
I feel as if I'm doing all the work, letting her off the hook for everything, and she won't help me get over it.
Sounds like you might be letting her off the hook. Are you ready to stand up and be strong? What do you fear will happen if you do? Are you also prepared to eat up a lot of bad stuff? Because you'll also need to do that if you two are going to get through it. Seems like there's a balance - not sure I'm the expert here.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She says she loves me and wants it to work.
Well again, that's the good news. Far better than most sitches here.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She hates conflict, hates talking about anything involving her emotions, and seems like a stranger at times.
But is she saying that to keep the peace and avoid conflict?
Originally Posted by MikeP
It's hard. I don't know how to deal with the work situation anymore. It bothers me most days.
May be the hardest thing you'll ever go through in life. Stay here and we'll help you through it.
MikeP - What are you doing to better yourself? What are the areas you need to work on? Are you becoming more attractive? Hitting the gym? Socializing?
Last edited by BL42; 11/14/2208:44 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
The people who saved their relationships following MWD's approach don't often post anymore. I'd encourage the search function to find past stories from people who found the combination of strength (boundaries) AND empathy (validation) to save their relationships. I'll call out two--May & SteveLW. There are many. I had some success in reaching reconciliation for a year or two though the relationship ultimately didn't work out. AnotherStander's advice was pivotal. Note the stickied threads on boundaries, validation, and sandi's rules from the Newcomers forum's heydey (when it was a bit less male-dominant and adversarial). Also MWD's book and services, of course. Good luck!
So, here's my story. I could really use some advice.
Listen to LH19. He is wise and I agree with almost all of his advise. Most new posters wait too long to make decisions and implement their changes in behavior.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Surprisingly, she ended it with him and came home. I didn't really expect her to move back in that soon but she wanted to. I left out the big problem for me, she works with the guy. At first he was a truck driver for the company and now he is a warehouse supervisor. They work in the same building and sometimes have to interact. I want her to quit, she doesn't want to.
Most of the time, they go deeper under cover after they have been discovered.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She also expects me to believe that in the 6 months she was seeing him, going to his house 3-4 nights a week, they never had sex. I can't believe it and it bothers me that she won't admit it. Feels like a huge lie hanging over us.
Trust your gut. They had sex. Good chance they are still having sex.
LH19-she’s 48 and I’m 50. The sex issue was always her low desire, my high desire and my negative response to being turned down so much. Never fought about, I just usually would withdraw and pout for a day. I took it so personally and felt rejected, she never understood that or really believed it.
In the beginning I started back to the gym and took up running. Also started fasting and cleaned up the diet. Once she came, we went to Oklahoma for a softball tournament with d13, I was a coach, and I slowly fell off the exercise and eating plan wagon. Just started back running and working out, been dealing with a long term back problem that glares up occasionally.
I’m sure the kids were suspicious, they’re smart. She actually used trips to the park and our local high school bball games with my d13 as meet ups with the other guy. S17 was angry with her when she moved out, he didn’t say it but he avoided her or barely acknowledged her when she came around.
For some reason I really want her to admit to sleeping with him, not sure why it bothers me except I know she’s lying and I want her to admit it. I’ve told her we will never make as long as she works with him and that I can only tolerate it for so long. I’m about done tolerating it.
I have read Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. Rereading Remedy now. I have watched every video of MWD’s I can find.
