Thank you kml, do LBS always talk this way? Is it forever? I can’t see myself talking this way forever, validating every feeling…….
Lol well I don't speak to my ex so I don't have to validate any more!
I would say, though, that if you are raising kids together, this approach might continue to be helpful until the kids are grown. Remember, you're not saying "yes, you're right, there are green aliens living next door to you" and you're not arguing "There' NO green aliens living next door to you!" you're just acknowledging that SHE is feeling like there are green aliens next door. By saying "That must feel (X, Y or Z) " or "that's too bad, that's not what I intended" you're not agreeing, just making her feel heard.
Thank you kml, do LBS always talk this way? Is it forever? I can’t see myself talking this way forever, validating every feeling…….
Yes and no. It builds rapport with someone expressing BigFeelings. Walking around my office today I didn't see anyone a) expressing BigFeelings who was b) in my family/friend circle. But if I had, I would've listened and/or validated.
PersonA: I'm so pissed! It rained on my new shoes.
PersonB: Not your new leather shoes! I can tell you're angry by how you're strangling your iPhone.
Which works better than--
PersonB: You should have brought an umbrella. PersonB: At least it was a light rain. PersonB: Baking soda fixes that. PersonB: <silent>
It's good practice to validate people's feelings in general. It is not our place to say their feelings aren't valid... it's how they express them that can cause the need for boundaries.
Try keeping it REAL short.
Examples: 1. I see. 2. I understand 3. That Makes Sense 4. I hear you.
Then go on your way. Seems like it would very difficult for her to end the conversation first if your response is that short.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hi everyone, BL thank you. thinks are moving, WW is being unreasonable in D settlement demands. we are not talking at all, all left to Ls. Cant even talk about the kid issues with her, everything is NO. Every move, every word and every gesture to belittle me to show how much better she is then me (so not her). I just don't pay attention to it I think she is trying to get into the fight with me but I am not letting myself get into it. Just controlling my emotions by not showing.
On the other side of things my eX and OM live together now, little worry about the kid being around them. Kid is still traumatized from us splitting 6 month ago and she Moved out 4 months ago NOW she introduced OM and he lives with em, nuts. Too soon don't u think? Anybody got any good reads to help my kid stay Sain?
I just don't pay attention to it I think she is trying to get into the fight with me but I am not letting myself get into it. Just controlling my emotions by not showing.
Good for you controlling your emotions. Stay strong.
Originally Posted by Jq25
On the other side of things my eX and OM live together now, little worry about the kid being around them.
Sorry man. I've been there and know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately it's very common here.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Kid is still traumatized from us splitting 6 month ago and she Moved out 4 months ago NOW she introduced OM and he lives with em, nuts.
That's gotta be difficult for your kid. 12yo, right? Such a tough time getting into teenage years. If it's any consolation at that age he's going to know exactly who did what - he'll always know it was your W and not you who moved out and moved him in with another person.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Too soon don't u think?
Yes, absolutely I do. Unfortunately we have to accept there's nothing we can do about it.
Hang in there Jq25. It'll be one of the hardest things you've ever gone through, but you will get through it. Keep being the best dad ever. What are you doing for yourself?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I feel for you jq25. I can relate, my sitch hit an all time low this week, and my WW is behaving exactly the same. No compromise, no negotiation. All one sided demands and anger when there is no agreement.
I do go out with couple friends but mostly just out and about, gym, picked up myself a mountain bike so been exploring some local trails.
i've noticed how difficult it is to stay home can i just cant num myself with simple activities. taking a dog for a walk doesn't excite me yes still has to be done lol. Reading books is somewhat difficult but I still do it. read DB now reading 3% men by Cory W.Something. Staying away from women in general trying not to make my sitch more difficult.
Hey guys, always thanks for being here for us! things are are moving but not in a right direction lol. In the beginning sometimes some days I did feel some what hopeful that there might be R. Now, I did realised that most, probably all actions by my eX are to hurt me, cause pain as much as possible. From BD conversation 7 month ago to now everything moving in a downward spiral. All communications or rather attempts at it are downgrading (all are kid related). She would be talking about one thing but then do something completely different and BLAME me for F***ing up and being impossible and as always I never compromise on things. Talking to her is like talking to a robot, let’s say she has to talk about subject A and she would talk only about A even if I jump to subject B similar issue she will just return to subject A and that’s it. Seems like it’s scripted conversation or even it being Rehearsed. Will this subside with time?
