I discovered my wife is at the beginning stages of having a MLC. BD was 2 weeks ago when I got the "ILYBINILWY" speech. My world is destroyed. I never saw it coming.
I've spoken to a therapist who's confirmed she's having a MLC. I'm guessing she's at the beginning stages of the replay stage.
I'm committed to working through this and doing everything I need to do (180, GAL, detach and exercise), for the sake of our children.
However, one thing I could never forgive is an affair. Never. Ever.
She's lost massive amounts of weight. She looks incredible. She's either already having an emotional affair with OM or it's one sided delusional infatuation. The signs aren't good. She spends so much time on her phone texting and on social media. She's definitely putting herself out there and trying to attract someone. When doing routine things like shopping she dresses like she's going to a club. Totally out of character.
She doesnt know I know about the infatuation. In her mind she married the wrong man and 6 months ago started planning a divorce. I think I interrupted her plans by discovering all of this and things seem to be on hold for now.
I've told her I believe she's having a MLC (I know, but I had to so I could suggest she talk to someone). She doesnt believe its a MLC but has agreed to IC to figure out "if these feelings are permanent or if they'll go away".
Things are ok at home. We're friendly and she seems very happy. Zero intimacy though which is so tough (my choice, I just cant). She hasnt exhibited any crazy or irrational behavior yet. She's an excellent mom. I just dont recognize her because of the hurtful things she's said and the pain she's inflicted over the last 2 months. The speed of the deterioration of our relationship in the last 2 months is something I cannot understand. We went from "let's talk neglecting house chores and not being around enough" to "I dont love you anymore". I'm lost.
So can she get through this and reach acceptance without having an affair or is it just a matter of time? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get through this. 4-5 years? How am I supposed to survive?
I am posting Cadet's Welcome thread for you to read.
This thread is the "homework" thread for all newbies who come here seeking assistance and a better understanding of what is happening to their spouses and significant others. I thought it would be best to keep Cadet's "Welcome" posting in one place for all to refer back to.
As time moves along, I will be adding additional links.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D34,S33
Last edited by Cadet; Thu Nov 05 2020 09:09 AM. Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One word of caution - the chances that she’s NOT having an affair are very small - not zero, but small. But the physical act is minor compared to the emotional betrayal anyway and should not be your focus.
Is there some reason you think her “infatuation” hasn’t been consummated? (Long distance old boyfriend, for example?). How old are your children? How long have you been married?
Know that you cannot control her behavior, only your own. Become the best father and partner you can. If she had legitimate complaints about you, become better. Don’t cling or beg. Did she have complaints before these last few months? She’s lost weight, so you need to catch up?
Also - how did she lose the weight? While MLC can be a factor for many, weight loss through gastric surgery can lead to addictions shifting from food to other things instead (alcohol, sex, gambling). Weight loss through amphetamine diet pills can lead to addiction.
I’m sorry your world has been turned upside down. I completely empathize and understand your feelings of being lost. As difficult as it is, give her time and space. You’ve told her you think she is in crisis, and she is has agreed to seek an opinion from an IC. She won’t want to hear your diagnosis, so best to not bring that up again.
You mentioned children. How many do you have? How old? How long have you been married?
Originally Posted by BTBNR
However, one thing I could never forgive is an affair. Never. Ever.
You will likely be surprised at what you can forgive as you walk your journey.
Originally Posted by BTBNR
So can she get through this and reach acceptance without having an affair or is it just a matter of time? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get through this. 4-5 years? How am I supposed to survive?
The number of these people who have affairs is staggering. Realize something about an affair: It is not a wholesome relationship. It is built upon lies and deceit, and that makes a terrible foundation. An affair has nothing to do with you. It shows the character and hurt of those involved.
As for, is it just a matter of time. From my experience, and many others around here, if you are asking those questions it is likely the affair is already happening. Ensure you utilize protection if zero intimacy were to change; you do not want STD or some such.
BT, we all start out blaming ourselves for the affair and behaviour of our spouse. Go easy with yourself. Only take responsibilities for that which is your’s.
Listen carefully, you will survive this. Honest. You will.
How? Focus upon you. Give your W space and time. Let her sort things out. Do not push or pressure her; for all that will just push her faster out the door. Dig deep for patience and bite your tongue often; for she is likely to bait you into arguments to further her justifications for leaving.
Post often. This is a excellent safe place with many kind and compassionate folks with much hard earned wisdom.
Focus on you, GAL, 180s, detach, are all good suggestions and necessary for healthy progress. It sounds like you have been reading for a bit, and I’m glad you reached out. That does take some courage. Posting makes what’s happening, will makes this more real for you; and that is a good thing. Denial takes a while to get through.
Originally Posted by BTBNR
She hasnt exhibited any crazy or irrational behavior yet. She's an excellent mom. I just dont recognize her because of the hurtful things she's said and the pain she's inflicted over the last 2 months. The speed of the deterioration of our relationship in the last 2 months is something I cannot understand.
If you like, please expand upon this. What has her behaviour been like? Did this all appear to just start two months ago? Anything significant happenings two months ago?
She may be in a crisis or emotional turmoil, although you say she is not exhibiting any irrational behaviours. Confusion is a fairly significant hallmark of crisis. And a crisis usually starts 18-24 months before bomb drop. Any deaths, weddings, or such recently or within two years?
MLC or not, your path is the same. Detachment. And become the best version of yourself. Yeah, I know, plenty of inner work.
Two weeks in, I know you have lots of questions. Ask away. Everyone needs a certain level of understanding before they can let go and detach.
Hang in there.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I understand your hesitance about posting specific information. This is an anonymous forum, open to the public, and can be viewed by anyone. Provide general information that is difficult to link directly back to you. Delete your browser cache after viewing; do not utilize auto fill passwords; do not bookmark this site; and such; if you believe W has access to your devices.
MWD’s books, the site, the suggestions, etc, are all your resources in your journey. Do not share this with W. She has stated the common ILYBINILWY. Declaring her intent of leaving the marriage usually follows. This does not mean she will, or that your marriage is irreparable or unsalvageable, however for the moment her view is very skewed. Keep you playbook to yourself.
You are on two paths. The obvious one is your emotional healing. Currently you are hurt, lost, bewildered, and wonder what the H just happened. The other path is one of business. You need to consider and look at things from a business point of view, as well as your emotionally point of view.
When dealing with business type things - finances for example - do so when your emotions are not all stirred up.
Are you aware and versed in your finances? Do you have joint accounts? Shared monies? Joint credit cards? Is the house paid for? Any other loans? Join or in individual names? Things to consider and be aware of, should your situation worsen.
Lots of spouses, along with their new look and new flirtatious attitude, start spending money. There are many stories of unaware LBS losing almost everything due to the unrealized spending of their spouse. Check into your finances. You do not need or want to loose a lifetime of financial investment, half is bad enough. (Sorry BT. This is the situation you are within.)
If you discover a drain on the accounts, there are different strategies that can be implemented. Generally, move half of the monies to accounts that only you have access to. And document everything. And talk to a lawyer. Of course, knowing more about your situation will allow better and more specific advice.
When starting out, much of the advice and suggestions are very counterintuitive; they will feel wrong. Giving time and space, no relationship talks, no clinging or pleading, and such; all feel like the wrong thing to do. They are not. The advice is first and foremost for you. You are the most important person in this equation. Your healing is paramount. Also, the advice gives your marriage its best chance for success.
There is no magic bullet. No words that will quickly turn her around. Besides actions speak much louder than words. Focus on you, and let your good actions speak.
You have the gift of time. Use it well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
