Hi Everyone. Took a break. I am pretty over whelmed.
That's understandable. It's a lot. Definitely one of the hardest experiences in many people's lives.
Originally Posted by Bema
Found out spouse has had resentments for 15 years but never bothered to tell me. Thought grin and bear it was a good approach. Seems I have a spouse who is pretty good at hiding what is true. So now, I do not know what is real and true and what is a good front.
As MLCxH mentioned, we often see cases where the WAS/WS re-writes history believing the marriage or relationship was way worse than it was. Call it a defense mechanism or a justification of their actions. It doesn't mean you should buy into that narrative. 15 years would've been a really long time to be unhappy and resentful without you picking up on it. Likley you had a lot of good times in that period. On the flip side it's often the case the LBS rewrites the relationship in the other direction thinking everything was wonderful when and when things settle and there's a realization there were some issues and they weren't always happy. You'll have a better perspective over time.
Originally Posted by Bema
Also legal issues.
Originally Posted by Bema
Focusing on next impending legal issue, which seems most important
Are the legal issues you refer related to the divorce? Is something else going on?
Originally Posted by Bema
Preparing for a whole new life.
Originally Posted by Bema
How do people handle having their lives ripped apart and staying functional and productive and get things done while staying relatively sane and doing basic self maintainance?
Try to focus on the immediate. Try not to worry about the rest of your life yet. Focus on today, not even a month from now let alone a year or 2 out. If you need help sleeping talk to a doctor about medication as the short term fix. Get out of bed in the AM. Get showered, get dressed, go for a walk at lunch, breath. Fix or get a new phone this week. Don't worry about a year from now. Take care of the little things and you'll see improvement over time. The hours feel like weeks in the beginning but two years out you're going to be amazed at how fast the time went, trust me.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
How do people handle having their lives ripped apart and staying functional and productive and get things done while staying relatively sane and doing basic self maintenance?...I am pretty over whelmed...How do people do this?
Compartmentalize and to do lists. Break things into categories such as legal,work,GAL etc
Originally Posted by Bema
And sometimes help develop, tune an overall plan for an individual.Is there something like this here? or is anyone interested?
We can help...not as many "newbies" showing up here, but many here are farther along the process and can give some guidance.
I focused on my personal growth,parenting, work,GAL.....finding a path to "Happy alone" during this is one part of the onion. Keep identifying and peeling layers off the onion of your personal growth. A good IC will help make the process faster.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If you wanted to post 1-2x/day or week your intentions and what you did, I'd join you! I'm in a different phase (11yrs divorced, in a new relationship) but could always use a good accountability partner
Bema said:
Thanks Traveler. Fabulous idea. I can check in today for tomorrow. Plan for.tomorrow: register car, get new battery, drive it to charge battery and get gas. Smog car if I can. Work out. Finish taxes. Download tax files. On lap top. work on one spouse issue, connect with one friend. Thx.
Plan for.tomorrow: register car, get new battery, drive it to charge battery and get gas. Smog car if I can. Work out. Finish taxes. Download tax files. On lap top. work on one spouse issue, connect with one friend. Thx.
Good goals. Always feel good to accomplish tasks and check things off the list!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Thx Bl42. I got car registered and gassed. Cars do not have to be driven after getting new battery. Did not work out. Worked on taxes. Nothing else on list. Key thing I figured out: we are filing jointly. I do not know how to do estimated taxes. If we split, then next year we will be doing taxes separately. From what I can figure out, any estimated taxes would be allocated to the taxpayer or the first person on the return, and not the second person, the spouse. So how do you set it up so the correct estimated tax is paid for both and one person does not get the benefit of the estimated taxes paid? Who pays the estimated taxes?
Thx Bl42. I got car registered and gassed. Cars do not have to be driven after getting new battery. Did not work out. Worked on taxes. Nothing else on list. Key thing I figured out: we are filing jointly. I do not know how to do estimated taxes. If we split, then next year we will be doing taxes separately. From what I can figure out, any estimated taxes would be allocated to the taxpayer or the first person on the return, and not the second person, the spouse. So how do you set it up so the correct estimated tax is paid for both and one person does not get the benefit of the estimated taxes paid? Who pays the estimated taxes?
You need a tax attorney.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I agree w/hiring an accountant or tax attorney to run the numbers.
Is there a big discrepancy in income? If so in general the higher earning spouse would likely owe a good bit more so if that's you you'd benefit from filing jointly for now but if that's your spouse than you might consider filing separately. If incomes are equal or close, it probably makes more sense to file jointly for now.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Tomorrow focus working on the overall plan for me. Shift a little more toward taking care of me vs focusing on spouses needs. See how that works. Also leave time for a good work out.
I just read back over all the comments. More sunk in this time. Brain is only half functioning. On taxes, in the big scheme of things, the taxes I would pay won't make as much difference as the time I would have to spend figuring out the different scenarios. I assume worst comes to worst I have to pay some penalties and its just one more mess to figure out. Thx.
