As it happens, 6 years has given me quite a lot of space to think about what really happened at BD, and what's been going on since. At BD he strenuously denied any affair, and I believed him for quite some time. I'm not so sure any more, which is probably a good thing. It means I don't think he was a special case - an anomaly, if you like. He was just a weak, frightened man doing his MLC/narcissist/extreme conflict avoidant/whatever-else-excuse-for-poor-behaviour thing. He is still with his much younger, Thai woman telling the whole world he's never been happier. Maybe he is.
I thought long and hard about why I would be replaced by somebody I now believe to be OW. I'm warm, inclusive, adventurous and intelligent. I'm a good mother. Although I'm ageing, I am considered to be attractive with a shape that a lot of men love (and I thought he did). I am very reasonable, responsible, empathetic and I love a good laugh. I'm a very good earner, and I'm also considered to be generous. By all accounts, she's some of these things too (without the ageing, sense of responsibilty or the good earning), but she has no shared history or deep understanding of XH. Not yet anyway.
On the downside, I can argue pretty forcefully and I've little tolerance for fools which makes me formidable at times. XH always saw through that, and to be honest, there was no reason for me to ever take him on. I know a man with self confidence issues would consider me a hard 'pass', but XH is exceptionally intelligent and very charming - he could get his way around me any time he liked. Sometimes I get a bit negative, but usually that happens only after a fair while of 'putting up with it'. I'm sure there are lots of other bad things too, but I'm not crazy, needy, dependent, deceitful, manipulative, greedy or any of those other things men complain about.
Anyway, since BD, I've had dated a couple of men, and had one relationship with what has turned out to be a love avoidant. He's a lovely man, but again, weak and incapable of articulating what he truly wants. He knows what he should be doing, but he just can't seem to find the intestinal fortitude to do it. He's funny, handy, a great lover and a great father. I love his mind and he makes me laugh like a drain. It's so sad, but I decided a while ago I was never going to be anybody's Plan B - and that's how I felt. I walked away, which I sometimes regret, but I want to feel like I'm a priority.
This all makes me feel like I will likely never find love again. I live in a great place, but most suitable men here are happily married. Single men that interest me are rare indeed, and most of those are looking for nothing more than a bit of fun. A few married men have made passes, but I'm not into that. I'm done with men who can't take their vows seriously.
There are good things though. I've been on my own for longer than I've ever been. It's fine. I'm OK with being single and if it continues, I'll be only a little sad. I've so many friends here that whilst the pandemic means we can't travel much, I barely notice the lack of a partner. In fact, there are many compensations. I'm also learning to like my own company very much.
It's time, I think, to get a cat. I would prefer a dog, but the building owners' association prohibits them and I don't think I can be bothered trying to change their regulations. It really is always about compromise, isn't it?
First of all - your ex didn't leave because of you. He likely left because of HIS issues, fear of aging, and an Asian fetish girlfriend shores up his narcissist fragile image. My ex was the same.
That being said - you will find a lot of love avoidant types at this age. (I might even be becoming one myself!) But there are also guys out there looking for a woman like you. You just have to look harder, since it's not as easy to meet single people as when we were single in our twenties. I've met most of my dates through online dating (except one guy who picked me up in the discount store - he was lovely but Love Avoidant and probably the least good match on an intellectual level. )
I divorced in my early 50's and am now 65 - looking back at my dating history, I had some fun dates, spent way too long with one guy who turned out to be seriously bipolar and a liar, and am currently with a guy who treats me great but has personality traits that would probably have led to the end of the relationship - except he got stage 4 lung cancer diagnosed 3 months into dating so I have made a commitment to be there for him. (Although I was expecting 6 months, not 3 years and counting!).
If I would do anything differently - I would have watched closer for signs of similarities to my ex. (Ex was mildly bipolar I think, so crazy ex-boyfriend felt familiar). I would have wasted less time with people who I knew weren't a fit (like Mr Big Lots, the discount store guy). I never wanted to remarry anyway, but I didn't think it would be quite so hard to find a compatible long term companion. Now, after living with current BF for 3 years, I'm not sure I want even that! (Don't get me wrong, he treats me like a queen, but he has obsessive compulsive personality disorder). At this point, an occasional weekend booty call with one of those Love Avoidant guys seems like it would be just enough. I find myself much more willing to accept relationships for what they are, instead of trying to make them fit into some mold. And almost every one is still a good friend to me.
Glad you're doing ok and hope you find a nice kitty cat.
It's also challenging finding women seeking something lifelong, who aren't in need of rescue and aren't seeking more little ones. I think it's like kml says. Not many people beyond a certain age who have their life figured out are willing to commit to health OR SICKNESS again. Anyway, I mean to say it's a common problem for men and women--you're not alone. (:
Devvo, good to see an update. Our timeline is almost identical ... and our stories are very, very similar.
I also have not officially dated at all. I dunno Devvo, I've also been saying a lot lately that maybe this is it for me. Maybe love is something that won't happen for me again. It also takes a pretty rare guy to capture my interest. Haven't met him yet. Not really searching, as I have so very much on my plate right now there no real space in my life to put my attention into a relationship. That's the only thing that gives me hope that there may still be time for a relationship for me down the road.
Your post made me think about it and yes, I too have been on my own now longer than ever before, and as someone who had no siblings I'm a little too comfortable with it, maybe. Anyway, these are the same questions I ask myself from time to time, so I get it.
Cats are great. Love my dog, love my kitty too. You'll have fun with a furry friend. good to "see" you! xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
If I would do anything differently - I would have watched closer for signs of similarities to my ex.
I find myself much more willing to accept relationships for what they are, instead of trying to make them fit into some mold.
I loved my ex very much and was terribly surprised and disappointed that he turned out to be such a dead loss. I still love the qualities that drew me to him though - humour and intelligence being foremost. That will probably never change.
Hopefully what will change is that I get better at working out when it's time to give up. I don't ever want to be hurt this badly again, so taking a big risk to make something work is anathema to me now. I haven't got time.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
It's also challenging finding women seeking something lifelong, who aren't in need of rescue and aren't seeking more little ones. I think it's like kml says. Not many people beyond a certain age who have their life figured out are willing to commit to health OR SICKNESS again. Anyway, I mean to say it's a common problem for men and women--you're not alone. (:
You might be looking at the wrong age bracket - women my age are definitely not seeking more little ones and not too many of my friends (or me for that matter) is in need of rescue
You have reminded me though, that I have decided that, given the opportunity, a venture into the uncharted waters of dating younger men is probably a good idea!
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Our timeline is almost identical ... and our stories are very, very similar.
That's the only thing that gives me hope that there may still be time for a relationship for me down the road.
I've always felt you and I (and KML) have had very similar experiences with our exes.
I'm very hopeful that you'll find somebody down the road a bit. Somebody wonderful!
You have reminded me though, that I have decided that, given the opportunity, a venture into the uncharted waters of dating younger men is probably a good idea!
All but one of the men I have dated have been younger - mostly in the 4-10 years younger range. Much younger than that, though, and you have to accept it’s not serious and mostly about the sex (which may not be that great - older men have skills! ).
I find much similarity in your story as well, as I'm sure most here do at some level, but this spoke volumes to me:
Quote
Hopefully what will change is that I get better at working out when it's time to give up. I don't ever want to be hurt this badly again, so taking a big risk to make something work is anathema to me now. I haven't got time.
If I would do anything differently - I would have watched closer for signs of similarities to my ex.
Absolutely. We are attracted to the familiar. Which is why I tend to have a thing for strong women who are self confident more than the clingy fainting sort. Not necessarily a bad thing, but when combined with selfishness then yes it is as I found out myself.
Originally Posted by devvo
I find myself much more willing to accept relationships for what they are, instead of trying to make them fit into some mold.
Again - certainly one of the mistakes I've made. One of the things that also frustrated me was the people I dated expecting me to act like their ex and trying to turn me into a more acceptable version of that person.
Originally Posted by devvo
I don't ever want to be hurt this badly again, so taking a big risk to make something work is anathema to me now. I haven't got time.
That's more or less where I am. And the fact that third parties like kids can also be hurt was a painful lesson.
Originally Posted by devvo
Originally Posted by CWarrior
It's also challenging finding women seeking something lifelong, who aren't in need of rescue and aren't seeking more little ones. I think it's like kml says. Not many people beyond a certain age who have their life figured out are willing to commit to health OR SICKNESS again. Anyway, I mean to say it's a common problem for men and women--you're not alone. (:
You might be looking at the wrong age bracket - women my age are definitely not seeking more little ones and not too many of my friends (or me for that matter) is in need of rescue
I was able to find the ones wanting rescue fairly easily At least they were post-menopausal so no baby desires.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I have seen the conversations re forgiveness and I too wonder if I'm there, or if I'm kidding myself. I think I have, because I don't spend a lot of time any more trying to catalogue XH's sins and I'm mostly in a place of meh.
However, over the course of various conversations since BD, I've come to realise that there are lots of people walking this planet who appear to have missed out on a few life experiences that might have made them choose better paths when things get rough. Specifically, I'm talking about utter rejection coupled with losing a deeply valued ideal - i.e. being heartbroken.
About 2 years after BD, my mother was telling me I should've been over it by now and I recall saying "Oh you must know what it's like to feel utterly rejected and blindsided. Surely you've been dumped before?" She sat back and mused and answered "Actually, when I think about it, no - I never have!" It's true - she has never experienced what all of us here have, and with what most of the world can empathise.
I was XH's first, and for a very long time, only romance. When Mum said what she said, I immediately thought of him and realised too that he has never, ever been heartbroken. He truly has no idea what he has done to me and probably still doesn't.
Now part of me hopes that he is given all that life offers, including the experiences that aren't so great. I hope that from a good part of my heart. Does that make sense?
At least they were post-menopausal so no baby desires.