The A has been over for 8 months - We've committed to each other again. Things feel great between us. We went through joint counseling that turned out wonderful (obviously - since we left together!) We renewed our wedding vows and have a different relationship then ever before - My question - I can't get the affair out of my head. It's there...part of the problem is that H had an affair with an "in-law" on my side of the family.....she's not going anywhere - she's married into my family - our children all go to the same school. So there's no hope of giving up contact unless I want to loose that part of my very small family.
My marriage was more important than anything. As I said, we've decided to work these things out together. I avoid all contact with the OW - I do not acknowledge her presence the few times we've been near each other...but I still see her -
Does time just heal these things? When I see her children, which is often - it just smacks me in the face.
Do people really just "move on" from the affair and it sinks into the background? Every holiday is a juggling act - every school event must be carefully orchestrated.
My marriage is more important than the big holiday gatherings we used to have - things have to be different which is fine. I just can't seem to get it out of my head that they were together and the probable destruction to our families wasn't a big enough deterent to stop them.
How long does it take before the wounds are healed? I don't want to keep thinking about it. Is the only way to move to another part of the country and never have contact with my own family again?
Hi - I'm curious how does your H handle this? It has to be far worse for him to have to see her on occassion? Does everyone in the family know of the affair?
I think your feelings and reactions are normal. But remember - you are the better person here - she is scum. You have your husband back and sounds as if your marriage is better than ever. Time to ignore her and act as if she doesn't exist. I think you owe your Husband that much since he has recommitted to the marriage, he is sincere in his renewal vows - he and your children is where your focus should be - don't waste energy on her - not worth it!
Have you discussed moving with your husband or is that ludicrous to him?
He avoids all contact with her and asked her via cell phone in front of me to never contact him again in any way. He was contact once (via text page) and told me immediately. It's very hard for him also. Yep - everyone knows in the family - makes it double hard that's for sure. I'm not concerned about what they think at all. I just wish she'd disapear!
We've thrown around moving but our street has 4 houses up for sale right now and the market isn't where we need it to be. It's such a bummer to have to move and stay in the general area for schools (we've got little kids) and for his job - it's a good career w/great benefits. If we were to move, I'd like to head for the other side of the country.
I can appreciate that lots would like to be in my shoes - believe me....I was there! He filed for D on October 17th - thank god for the 6 month waiting period here in Michigan. That gave me enough time to read and practice DB'ing and to find a counselor. In a really strange twist of fate, our counselor (picked from an internet site) ended up being one of the 4 DB'ing phone coaches. There was someone smiling down on me a few times during the entire ordeal. Let me tell you - DB'ing works! I just need to get a handle on the emotion that she's still right there - and I'd like to ring her neck!
Tough situation, and I can really empathize with your struggle. Easy to say, hard to do, but I think you need to take your power back. Every bit of energy you put into thinking about her is power you are giving away.
How is the relative she married dealing with this? Is he having the same struggles?
I like what you said about taking the power back. You're right - I'm wasting energy on this. I can't let that emotion be the powerful one. After our new "honeymoon" wore off, I felt the "anger" emotion creeping up on me. I need to not let that happen - not give it that much power.
The OW's H is dealing with it better than me - at least on the surface. He's been to my house since - he's spoken to my H - he says he's moved on. I think it's very strange. I refuse to step foot on the OW's property when she's home and I will not speak to her face to face - I've had to speak to her on the phone when calling to speak to others in the house - but that's all I'm willing to do. I just can't accept her - she was a very, very close friend in addition to being a relative. We watched each other's children and hung out together all of the time. I refuse to have somebody that poisonous in my life.
I just can't accept her - she was a very, very close friend in addition to being a relative. We watched each other's children and hung out together all of the time. I refuse to have somebody that poisonous in my life.
I don't think you have to accept her in order to take your power back. You also don't have to forget in order to forgive (there's a good post about forgiveness that phd posted in the Infidelity section of this forum).
You don't have to be "friends" with her, or trust her, or even like her. You may have to detach from her though, in order to keep this from hurting your family situation.
Does that seem wrong?
Heck no! She betrayed your trust and friendship, why would you feel any different?
All I'm really trying to say is that you can detach because she's pathetic and is no real threat to you.
I read the forgiveness post last evening and it was very good. I do feel I have forgiven my H - not forgotten - but definitely forgiven, and I feel good about that. I just haven't accepted that I need to forgive her - I don't want to right now. I would rather just forget her!
Thanks for the advise on detaching. I need to do that. Just detach from the situation with her. I can't give her that power over me to feel so tense. She's not going anywhere. I can't help but want to move across the country - but unfortunately she's still going to be in our family. Detaching is what it's got to be.
I see that you live in Michigan, and that you said: "In a really strange twist of fate, our counselor (picked from an internet site) ended up being one of the 4 DB'ing phone coaches."
I live in Bloomfield Hills, which is about 20 miles from Detroit. Last week my wife and I started marriage counseling, and thus far like the therapist.
But I was wondering: What is the name of your marriage counselor, and in what city does she practice?
Her name is Dorothy Decker (Dotty) and she's out of Plymouth. We loved her. Very tough, very respectful - very conscious of DB'ers and what we're trying to do - but at the same time respectful of our spouses wishes. She saved us - that's for sure! Her number is 734-455-1880, fax is 734-455-8909.
