Not much to report. Had my date with the latest Tinder match last night. He was really nice. A regular, “normal” guy. The kind of person I should definitely want to date. Has a good job, knows exactly when his mortgage will be paid off which tells me he is somewhat financially aware. He wants to travel. We have some similar interests. He talked a bit about his break up with his ex and not a trace of bitterness or anger. He was a good listener and seemed to have a really balanced way of looking at the world. We met for a drink and some nachos and talked for a couple of hours. Hugged good bye, said it was great to meet each other, etc… I think I walked away with a solid “maybe” in my mind. I don’t know… my sister says I should not expect to be struck by lightening. I don’t think that is what I’m after as the two people I have dated post-divorce were not lightening strikes…just tiny sparks. But not right for me so maybe it is a good thing to not feel that?? Anyway…I haven’t heard from him today but not concerned about it. If he liked me enough to risk rejection and ask me out, I’ll probably go out with him again and give it a chance. But if not, I’m just going to let it go. If I really liked him, I would have no problem reaching out but that’s just not where I’m at.
Had a message from a local guy today who looks like he spends every waking moment in the gym. We had a brief chat but I really don’t think we would click. Maybe I’m stereotyping but he looks like he would need a fellow gym enthusiast and that’s just not me at all. Plus it would be too intimidating at this stage of my life to go out with someone who looks like they should be on the cover of a fitness magazine.
Why is this dating thing so difficult? It was so easy when I was in my 30s and this OLD was just starting to be a thing.
Aww - the spark thing. I'm so ambivalent about the spark.
The problem with relying on the spark is, people can have "the spark" with tons of wrong people. In fact. for people who make regularly bad choices in partners, the "spark" is often something to be avoided, because it's in response to their bad childhood familiarity stuff (like my friend who can pick the one alcoholic out of a crowded room and be attracted to him. Her alcoholic uncle was the "fun uncle").
On the other hand - if there's NO spark, it may be that there will never be any. Not always though - I didn't feel any spark when I first met my exH - he had to woo me.
Bottom line - spark at first meeting is a very unreliable indicator. If there's still no spark after a couple of dates though, there might never be enough to sustain a relationship.
Why is this dating thing so difficult? It was so easy when I was in my 30s and this OLD was just starting to be a thing.
I wish I had the answer to this. I really wish I knew. All I can tell you is you’re not alone. What I can relay however is, at least for me, many of the people and types of people I would have and did date in my 30s I would not date now. I look back and ask myself, why did you date her? And what was I thinking? Some of the crapola I put up with… again I ask myself what were you thinking? So again I hear ya and you’re not alone - just from the other side of the equation- that being the male side.
For me I keep coming back to - the good ones, the quality ones are still married. Sure there are some that got a raw deal or were abandoned by their husbands but it seems to me so many of the ones that are single and especially the ones who never married are that way for a reason - and those reasons become crystal clear after spending a bit of time with them.
I almost have to push myself to date. Sounds like that’s perhaps a bit similar to where you are. This guy really has no immediate dealbreakers. There are multiple things to like about him. He seems “normal” yet you’re pretty meh about him.
Sorry, no great epiphanies here. No great words of wisdom or even helpful suggestions. I’m just saying you’re not alone and without a doubt dating was much easier 20 to 25 years ago and yes that was also before OLD was at the levels it is today or had time to be as corrupted and diluted as it is today. But I think we may have been less picky and for sure less astute then as we are today. Perhaps it takes more to excite and satisfy us today - or speaking for myself - exite or satisfy me. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve said, dang, I really want to ask her out versus, well I guess I could ask her out, I’ve got nothing else to do.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DejaVu, I'm keen to read your dating stories. Doesn't sound terrible--guy was decent, but you want physical chemistry because romance, affection, and sex are part of why we date. "Chemistry" is still mysterious to me. I read sometimes it's actually anxiety. I read it develops, but for me, it's only developed when it was there initially. I'm currently trying to give most people at least two dates including one romantic one. No answers here, just a fellow explorer. (:
I think part of the problem is because it really isn't dating at this age. I think most of the people on this forum are pretty self aware have read multiple books on relationships, dating, self improvement. We are at the point where we no what we are looking for and what works and does not. So the minute we determine the person isn't it it's game over. Even though they could be a great person to date just for awhile. I went out with a girl a few weeks back and had a good time. I pretty much determined she was not a long term potential mate so it was going to be a one and done for me. She had told me up front she was only looking for LT like 95% people at middle age. She asked me for a second date. So I agreed. On the second date I think she could tell I wasn't into her as much as she was into me and she starting pressing and things became a little uncomfortable. The longer these go on the harder it is to end them. That's why "dating" at this age is so difficult IMO.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Had a message from a local guy today who looks like he spends every waking moment in the gym. We had a brief chat but I really don’t think we would click. Maybe I’m stereotyping but he looks like he would need a fellow gym enthusiast and that’s just not me at all. Plus it would be too intimidating at this stage of my life to go out with someone who looks like they should be on the cover of a fitness magazine.
See this is great and shows how self aware you are DVu. The average girl would just say sure I will date the hot guy without understanding what that would look like.
I think you are doing great!
Relationships are tough. Even tougher when you settle for less then you want in a person.
Thanks everyone. I heard from Tinder date this morning…telling me to have a great day. I responded in kind. He really is a super nice guy and I think if he asks me, I will give it another shot. But knowing myself the way I do, it is probably going to be a no. The only real sparks I have felt on a first meeting, TBH, is with Brook. I had an attraction to Jack and TDH but the spark one feels when the emotional, mental and physical all come together in one meeting is proving to be pretty elusive for me. And I’ve pretty much given up on Brook. I didn’t hear from him for a month and then had a sudden text from him a few days ago about an iconic store that had burnt down near our hometown with a comment about how sad it is. Why he felt the need to send that to me after a month of radio silence is beyond me. Amazing to me that someone who was so interested in me immediately after our one face-to-face meeting can’t even bring himself to meet for a coffee. But…it is what it is. Timing is everything and our timing is apparently way off. Anyway…not giving up on the idea that I could have that connection with someone else. Just hard to know who in the sea of faces that are on the dating apps. One thing I do know is that I would rather be on my own than settle. Definitely not going to do that. (((HUGS))) to all of you navigating this post-divorce world.
The spark with Brook is probably more about the nostalgia of your youthful connection than the reality of who he is now anyway, right? Make sure your continued interest in him now isn't part of a pattern of pursuing unavailable guys.
"Spark", I think, has two components. One is the physical attraction. Pheromones, looks etc. I find this becomes less important as I get older. I've certainly dated some very handsome men since my divorce but handsome is as handsome does. I can find a wide variety of men attractive if they are sufficiently intellectually interesting, kind, etc. Pheromones are more indefinable. But physical attraction can develop as one gets to know someone better. I wasn't interested in my ex when I first met him because he looked like every dumb blonde surfer from Newport Beach that I had grown up with. But once he had won me over and proven that stereotype (partially) wrong, I found him attractive and continued to throughout our marriage.
The second component is intellectual and lifestyle compatibility. This really becomes even more important if you're older because we are more set in our ways! A guy who wants to go out to the desert and ride motorcycles and drink beer every weekend would probably not be a match for me and vice versa.
The two guys I've dated since divorce who really bowled me over with their pheromones and intellectual compatibility, were both Love Avoidants and not really available for a full relationship. They remain friends but I know better than to pine after them. Spark does you no good if that person isn't actually available.
Yeah. I totally get where you are coming from KML. I think the connection we had when we were kids is a factor for sure. Coincidentally, I actually heard from him today. We had a nice long chat. He made a point of telling me he’s been alone a lot lately and has been spending a lot of time “in his head”. He said he is only just now starting to grieve the loss of his family (not his ex…he says he is over her but it is the loss of the family unit that he is grieving and the complication that his (ex) good friend has moved into his old house and taken his place) and his brother. He said that he had been distracting himself before with work and his daughters but since the pandemic hit, he hasn’t been able to do that. So he has started going to therapy and says that he wants to learn to love himself so the can move forward and have a good life. So…clearly not in the frame of mind to start anything with anyone.
I also realized in the course of our conversation that even after all of the self reflection and advice from people on here, I had still tried to control the outcome by basically giving him an ultimatum…call me or we can just be pen pals. Of course he didn’t call me because that would have been starting something he isn’t ready to start. Definitely a cause for more self reflection on my end. This seems to be a lesson I have to keep learning…not just when it comes to him but just in general. I keep saying to myself that I am okay and that life will unfold how it is supposed to but with every birthday, I feel more and more worried that I am going to spend this last part of my life partnerless. So, at the heart of it, I’m just scared I think. Why is that? Sometimes I feel like being an identical twin has handicapped me in some way. I’ve always just been part of a set…half of a whole. And even though I’ve gotten much more comfortable being on my own, I still feel like I am missing something most of the time. Is that crazy?
I keep saying to myself that I am okay and that life will unfold how it is supposed to but with every birthday, I feel more and more worried that I am going to spend this last part of my life partnerless.
This is normal and what all single think at some point. I bet even Jennifer Anniston felt that way at some point.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So, at the heart of it, I’m just scared I think. Why is that?
Evolution. For millions of years if you were alone you were as good as dead. Our brains have not caught up with modern day life.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Sometimes I feel like being an identical twin has handicapped me in some way. I’ve always just been part of a set…half of a whole. And even though I’ve gotten much more comfortable being on my own, I still feel like I am missing something most of the time. Is that crazy?
No! We are put on this earth to seek love and connection. The key is to not give into this urge when the person is not a good fit for you.
DejaVu most quality women I date or have talked to have been single for 4-9 year stretches. Your time will come. I am sure of it!
Yeah, this guy is not for you. When I had trouble getting over the Love Avoidant guy I dated first after my divorce, I wrote this on an index card and tucked it into the sun visor in my car: He’s Just Not That Into You.
Find the guy who puts as much effort into the relationship as you do. Who is your intellectual peer. Who is kind and thoughtful.
