3+ Years since my last post

[mvg]

Been a long time, I hope everyone is doing well, despite the hell of a year we’ve all had.

I first posted here over six years ago, broken, confused, angry, and lost. Recently, I saw a picture of myself from the week after BD and I can barely recognize myself. My boys are 7 & 10 now, I just turned 42 and am way more gray than I was back then haha!

There’s not enough time to go into all of the craziness that I’ve experienced with XW over the last six years, stuff that if were written in a book, would’ve been asked to “tone down a bit to make it more believable.”

XW’s mental state has deteriorated pretty significantly and especially over the last year. About six months ago, my boys started talking to me about her and how they don’t want to go there anymore. I assumed that once my oldest hit 12 or 13, his sports, social life, etc would be a natural catalyst to having a conversation about her visitation. They are home with me during the week for school and visit her on the weekend.

My boys have started to say they don’t want to go there anymore. They cry when I have to take them to her house, and my youngest has said twice now, that when she drops them off at home with me, that he has to “pretend to be mad at me” so his mom isn’t mad at him. They are starting to become aware of the type of person their mom is and her mental illnesses. This is absolutely breaking my heart for them.

Two weeks ago, S10 flat out said he wasn’t going to his moms for the weekend. She texted me and said, “I’m not gonna come get him until you can make him realize that he has to.” They talked and texted for almost two hours before she could get him to go to her house.

I could go on and on, but won’t.

For those of you with older kids, have you experienced this? What age did your kids decide to spend their time with one parent vs the other? What did you say to your kids to make them feel better?

As always, thank you in advance for your time and thoughts.

[kml]

I would be worried about what is happening at her house - it's not all that common for kids that young not to want to see their mother. So I'd be concerned if there was neglect or abuse happening. Your ten year old should be old enough to tell you what's going on over there. I'm not sure how else you would figure it out. Maybe it's just her pressuring them to pick her or something, but you know better than we do what her issues are. What do you think it's about?

[kml]

(And is exW still with her new husband? Do you think there's any step-parenting issues, or that they just aren't crazy about hanging out with the step-sisters?)

[mvg]

It’s a few things. One of XW mental issues is that she deals with munchausen amongst her other issues. This past year with lockdowns have really been very difficult for her and the boys. Over the last few months, she’s been in and out of countless doctors offices, tested for everything you can imagine, blood tests, multiple negative Covid tests, etc. My boys have only been allowed to hug their half-brother once since last March. They aren’t allowed to play with their step-sisters when they visit their mom on weekends unless they are in masks in the house. She pulled them from their weekend sports here at home, refused to let them go back to school until this past December, won’t let them in their backyard with their neighbors, etc etc. The boys are starting to go crazy over there. Both of them got TVs in their rooms and they’re in their rooms all day and night with video games. When they’re home, it’s a completely different world. They’ve mentioned to me several times that their step-dad has “his life” with his girls and then my boys have “their life” with their mom, under the same roof. They’ve said that their step-dad just stays quiet bc “he probably doesn’t want to get screamed at” (been there man, I know how you feel). Don’t want to go on and on here, just feeling very helpless, which unfortunately isn’t anything new.

[mvg]

Lately, she’s also been giving them a hard time about their personal choices. Everything from the sports they play, to how they spend their time, to the food they eat. I unfortunately think she sees me when she looks at them. Last week, S7 was saying prayers before bed as part of a Cub Scout thing he’s working on. He and I had spent an hour or so talking about his feelings, what he’s going through. This was his prayer that he made up.

“Dear God, today was the best day ever because I told somebody how I feel and they believed me and didn’t yell at me. Thank you, Amen.”

What do you say to a 7 year old after hearing that?

[kml]

Well, as a physician, I have to say if you're in the U.S., I agree with her on some things about Covid (not her Munchausen stuff, but some of the things she was not comfortable with for the kids). Doesn't sound like much you can do there unless she was so freaked out about the possibility of your kids bringing Covid there that she'd be willing to limit her visitation for a while - but that's not really ideal either. The good news is that while kids their age are definitely not immune, they do not seem to be major sources of spread (5 and under shed a LOT of virus but this age group not so much) and they mostly do well with the virus if they catch it (not all, there are the cases of mciis and some other complications but fortunately they are still rare). But in her place with kids traveling between two houses and you maybe not being as careful as she is, I understand why she's concerned. Add in the Munchausens and that multiplies it by a bazillion.

Good to know it's not an abuse thing though, just they are probably so bored.

[mvg]

I appreciate the reply. I wish I could say this was all brought on by COVID, but unfortunately it’s been building for years and COVID just ripped the band aid off instead of what I envisioned would be a slow fall off. I understand that everyone will have different levels of comfort, but wish that I had a way to comfort my boys. S7 said he wants a “new mom bc my mom is crazy”. This is stuff that they just didn’t see or could verbalize when they were younger, but as they are getting older, they are coming to their own conclusions. COVID is just accelerant. I want to help them and I”m not sure what else I can be doing.

[kml]

Yeah that's a tough one! You can't say "no, mom's fine" but you also have to tread lightly with "yeah, mom is crazy ". You also have to be careful about the risk of Munchausen's by proxy. Has her Munchausen's diagnosis ever been documented by a physician? Have you forwarned the kids' pediatrician abut this?

There may come a day where you have to restrict her access and the more documentation you have the better.

Usually the difference between hypochondriasis (excessive worry about disease) and Munchausen's is that the Munchausen's patients convince doctors to give them medical treatments and even surgeries that are unnecessary by faking medical conditions and records. Hypochondriacs just have lots of worries and may get frequent simple tests like blood tests but don't fake symptoms or medical history and don't generally seek surgeries or invasive procedures.

The hypochondriac may have OCD in other areas or just a real fear of death and dying. Munchausens get a positive benefit from the attention they get when in the hospital. (Sometimes the background story of a Munchausens patient is that they had abuse or neglect in childhood but got a lot of attention when,say, hospitalized for appendicitis or some such. )

[Former M Go Blue]

I happened to see your post in the MidLife Crisis forum. I joined the Forum back in 1999, and was very involved in helping others, which helped me more, on the subject of dealing with a spouse who s having a MLC. I've checked in over the years but have not posted. All my old posts were lost years ago when they made a change to the forum. My desire is to repost my post, The Recipe for Success in Dealing With Your Spouses MLC.

I'm a believer that things happened for a reason. There was a reason for me coming here today,. I had thoughts of coming to this site, with no ntentions of posting. When I saw and read about your sons, I said to myself, I have to reply.
Almost everyone knows about the harm caused by verbal and physical abuse towards children. It psychologically scars for life. About a year ago, I discovered an article about CEN, Childhood Emotionally Neglect. It is silent abuse that is done to children far too often. It's effects on children leaves them with emotional trauma. The author, Dr. Jonice Webb, who has written books on the subject of CEN, and works to bring more awareness to it. You can google her name or type in Childhood Emotional Neglect, and that should get you to her website. Take a look at the test that she has on the site, it is to help people figure out if they experienced CEN, as a child. I answered "yes" to 19 of the 21 questions. The other two I was undecided on, as I couldn't say it was only one way. Good luck in helping your two boys. The biggest thing I can leave here with you is this, find out what are the emotional needs of your two boys, and then be the one to take care of those needs.

[job]

Welcome back M Go Blue!

You may remember me by my former name "snodderly". It's been quite some time since you've posted. Would love to have an update as to how you are doing these days.

You are always welcome here, as you are part of the original group that posted so many years ago.