I saw this heart-wrung cry from a WAH who suffered debilitating remorse in his old age in a UK newspaper column. It's heart-breaking. As much as I am saddened by the breakup of my family and the pain our child has suffered from our divorce last year, I pray that my XH will be happy, that nothing like this will be inflicted upon him.
*** ‘The vileness, stupidity, and sheer horror of what I did have never left me. I lost my family, my home, my mental health and my career. 'Sure I got on my feet in the end — established a new career and re-married a caring, decent woman… ‘We have had some happy times but now as the indignities of old age begin to afflict us, how sad is it that I cannot and will not forgive myself for the pain I inflicted and the loss I incurred, even though my ex has happily re-married and my children have forged lives of their own. ‘Retirement hit me and no longer being part of that great flow of activity which is the world of work, my mind has allowed the ghosts of the past to return. 'So strong is this “acid rain” that even after years of therapy, I weep most mornings for the loss of sharing my children’s childhood and the gross insult to my ex-wife. ‘Why on earth don’t we as a society follow the Ten Commandments and manage our lives in a wise and cherishing fashion rather than blundering into disasters? ‘Surely in a column that so often preaches forgiveness and kindness there’s some room for a few words of comfort to the fools that we are . . . the millions of men who go through this vale of tears carrying such an awful backpack of regret and remorse? 'No wonder the divorce rate for second marriages is so much higher than for first. ‘No wonder my wife and I are no longer close as the acid rain has worn thin the relationship we have tried to build over the past 27 years . . . and I am also in mourning for our “new” love which remorse has made me trample on, and practically destroy.’ J asks me for some comfort; all I can say is that I do pity his ongoing anguish and wish for him some peace at this stage of his life. The fact that he expresses himself thus makes me respect him; forgiveness is possible only when people are truly sorry for their wrongdoing. Although I see no point in his self-flagellation and wish he would let the past lie, there are those who say a guilty conscience will go on tormenting forever, for very good reason. But I can only wish J well."
How about telling us something about yourself? You've posted a few times, but we have never gotten much from your postings as to what is going on w/you and your life since 2018. We would like to help you if we can, but we need to know a bit more about you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much job! I am a long-time fan of yours. I am sorry I haven't said anything before.
There is nothing more to be done. I've been divorced since May 2020. xH will move back to his home country soon.
Me: 52, xH:51 t since 1996, m 1999 DD 14 at BD, 17 now Dec 2017: BD Oct. 2018: xH moves out May 2020: Divorced xH moving back to home country with OW2
Like so many of us here, I'd been hanging on for dear life. All hope is gone and I am at peace. I think that's why recently
I am deeply grateful to what the light of this site, the divine love from on high and of our common humanity, have helped me accomplish. We mediated and spent a minimum on legal fees. I helped pull our teen daughter from all the classic divorce fall-out, include thoughts of self-harm. I bolstered the precious tie between DD and DxH.
I am deeply grateful that he has been supportive whenever he can, which goes a long way, especially given his own MLC. (He says now that he wasn't in crisis. He does seem much more like himself these days.)
Because of DB, I never once lost my temper with him. I only cried once in front of him, in mediation. I never once cried in front of our daughter about the estrangement, for fear of alienating her from DxH. He was by turns angry and depressed. It's been a tough three years.
But we have all survived covid thus far and I feel blessed. I thank heaven DH is still healthy and pray that he would be okay during his international travel and relocation.
Incidentally, DxH discovered this site as soon as I paid for some sessions with the wonderful counselors of this forum, a couple of weeks after BD. He noticed the expenditure, did some ingenious Googling, and figured out what I paid for. He was terrified after his discovery. He was convinced I am this nefarious plotter who would make him "lose everything," in his own words.
He needn't have worried. I found this site because I wanted to love my way out of this loss, like so many of us here. There aren't many places like this one!
(I understand his terror. From their point of view, someone who cannot take a hint - who would not believe or accept that the love is gone - is pathetic, insulting, presumptuous, delusional and detestable. That's how they feel. They have a right to such feelings.)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you Cadet. Thank you so much for being there for all of us.
I have been lurking on this site for three years, have read DR and DB carefully, and have compiled a compendium of lifesaver stories and wisdom from this site! But I can of course always learn more.
I'm glad you posted a bit about your situation. You lurked for quite a while and I thought you may have been very hesitant to post about your situation.
I'm also glad that this site provide a safe place for you to land and were able to find some comfort from the words and advice of others.
The door is always open, so please, feel free to come back around and chat w/us.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Apsara, our sitches timing was very similar, but obviously took different paths. It is always amazing to hear from folks that have been through their sitch, whether it resulted in a saving their marriage or not, come out the other side so much better! As you exhibit in your post above, you grew as an individual and as a potential mate to a new person in the future. That is the whole point of our journeys, is that regardless of the choices of others, we grow, improve and become better and stronger. And we see it over and over again. Though there are few of us that stick around and/or comeback after our sitches, the ones that do always seem to report personal growth and strength.
My hope is that this gives the newcomers that are in the thick of their sitches, can see that and understand that no matter what happens there are better days ahead.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Job, both you and cadet have been radiant presences in so many lives. I can't thank you enough. Your instincts about my hesitation was spot on!
It's strange how no one can truly understand us outside of this site. When I speak to my mom now, whom I love dearly and is a great mom, I know better than to speak of my love for xH. I know it would pain her because she hates to see me in pain. My brother, with whom I was close, no longer wants to talk. (He's got a lot on his plate; he also had an affair and was separated from his wife for years.) The one friend who was willing to listen to my DB thoughts shut down after two years, post-covid. I am grateful to all of them and hope I did not try them too sorely
I think everyone else loves us too well to want to see us disappointed. Here, we pool our great love, and the hurt can, one hope, be transformed.
Steve85, I remember you as a classmate :D;. Am so happy for you. I didn't follow your success because it obviously wasn't clear for a long time which marriages would make it.
Thank you for being so lovingly giving. I will take your well-wishing like a portable rose garden with me. I'd like to think that you are right about my future. Here is a wonderful quote from you to remind me of our DB lessons:
"But I continue to DB. Newcomers this is something I firmly believe in. That the minute you stop GAL...180ing....being healthily self-differentiated is the minute you start heading towards another BD. So those of you that are Ring and piecing, never stop DBing!!"
I did not want to post, I think, also because I felt the site needs more successes, not failures like mine. I now realize that people can learn from failures better than successes, some of the time. And so long as I tried, I can exit with my head high, in honorable love. There must be a note of triumph in that, a whiff of the laurel wreath, no?
Speaking of growth, my DB can be divided into phases, based on how I read other people's posts:
Phase I. Whenever I saw a divorce, I blamed the LBS. They must have been too judgmental, not enough GAL and 180s, not loving enough, not enough mirror work...
Phase II. I started to understand, as my own pain mounted, what a tremendous feat standing was. How brave and loving all LBSes were. I still had the same reflex to fault the divorced LBS, but I realized that my criticism was rooted in fear that the same fate awaits me.
Phase III. I celebrate each and every post I read as endeavors of the highest good. It gives me joy to contemplate the nobility of trying one's best, no matter the circumstances.
I awoke to what I think of as the truth of the standing journey. It's always been about the LBS. What happens to the marriage is secondary. It is what we become that truly matters. We are all equals and share the same bond of being human, whatever the outcome.
