Leaving it behind.

[LH19]

If you want him to understand you have to be consistent for a long period of time.

My exw sort of does the same thing. We could be NC for weeks/months then the minute it is halted due to contact about the kids, she thinks it’s open season until I ignore three or four texts in a row.

[SteveLW]

Until I'm totally detached, I don't know how to do this. Ugh.

Stick to business/logistics. No need for pleasantries, no need for niceties. You don't need hi's and byes. Think of it like you would if you were answering someone based on a craigslist ad. (sandi describes it as how you would act with the cashier at the store.)

[97Hope]

If you want him to understand you have to be consistent for a long period of time.

My exw sort of does the same thing. We could be NC for weeks/months then the minute it is halted due to contact about the kids, she thinks it’s open season until I ignore three or four texts in a row.

THIS is exactly how it is!!! I was NC for 3 months. Completely. Then I was polite over an exchange of paperwork and he leapt in my lap.

You know it's a relief that I'm not alone in dealing with this! Yes. I'll work on being consistently consistent.

Steve85 - Ok, hear me out. This isn't an excuse, this is my project. My IC said to treat everyone like the cashier - and I did that for a week - at the next session we figured out the problem. Apparently it's not super great to know, not only the name of several cashiers - but their kids' names, favorite pass-times and pets. Apparently I get very close to dang near everyone and then I wear myself out. I think I'm "being nice" but it's really a boundary issue.

IC said "No wonder you are exhausted all the time!"

Somebody stop me! (I used to say that to myself when I was over-nice to the hot dog vendor.)

So this is a great point and I think I need to regroup and get back to basics. Hard to explain, but your comment reminded me of a major thing that I can work on. THANKS!!!

There is a waiter at a local restaurant and I was very nice a few times and now I can't even go back because he hangs out at my table and it gets awkward.

Onward and Upward!

[Mar252]

Hope,

Just caught up on your thread. Congratulations!!!! I am so happy for you. I hope to be in your shoes sooner than later.

Mar

[LH19]

THIS is exactly how it is!!! I was NC for 3 months. Completely. Then I was polite over an exchange of paperwork and he leapt in my lap.

You know it's a relief that I'm not alone in dealing with this! Yes. I'll work on being consistently consistent.

So can you completely ignore a text from him? If so, does it make you feel uneasy?

[97Hope]

[So can you completely ignore a text from him? If so, does it make you feel uneasy?

Yes.

Yes. Uneasy - I usually have to remind myself of his dirtbag behavior so I don't fall into the trap of not seeing him for who he really is.

Depending on the day - that can take .05 seconds or an hour and 1/2.

I'm generally a fun, funny kind person. So to change that and respond differently to a person I've known so long has been a challenge for me.

[97Hope]

Success isn't touching a stove and "not get burned" or "not let it get to you"--that's a trap trauma survivors fall into, one I've fallen into, a subconscious desire to relive a trauma with a better outcome. Success is on a different path--learning not to touch the stove.

Breakups cause pain. Breakups don't have to cause suffering.

[LH19]

[ We are dealing with people who are willing to destroy families, spend tens of thousands of dollars, risk the loss of friends, reputation etc. - all to fill the void in their lives. All to "feel" better. Caring nothing for the devastation they leave in the wake.

This may be the truest statement I have ever read on this board.

[OnlyBent]

^^^^^ This

[97Hope]

Lovely day today.

CrossFit did, indeed, try and kill me. LOL It has been so much fun. The trainer/coach helps me with a plan suited for my level and everyone is extremely supportive and friendly.

Next week I work 8a-8p for the first week then 8p-8a until the end of time. It will be a nice challenge fitting in my workouts, but it is abundantly clear that I have work to do.

Met my S27 DIL Gs8 Gs4 for dinner. S19 went to X's house for dinner because XMIL is in town. Felt a moment of weirdness around that, but it passed. I don't think I need to unpack that tonight.

Still working through "Gates of Fire", but I continue to get distracted.

I miss reading so much. I haven't been able to really focus since this all started. One thing that I'm hopeful for about my future - getting back to my books.

GF said we are all set for my meet up with Buuuud. Told my mom tonight and she is almost as excited as I am!

Thank you to everyone here for supporting each other. It's a beautiful thing to see.