I have followed your hurting and healing from afar, these many months. I have found so much wisdom here and it has been a tremendous help in getting me to where I am. I thank you!
I wanted to give something back to you. Right before this started, God gave me the gift of writing. I see now how He prepared me to express myself during this time of suffering. It's made all the difference.
What I envision this thread to be, is that every few days I will share a poem, prefaced with some background of what inspired it. My hope is that people will respond with anything that it inspires them to share. All my writing is informed by my faith; but I hope that all of you find something in it that is helpful.
Having said all that, I'm not going to begin with a poem, but a description of my bomb drop.
Zero Hour
It’s a nice summer day. We go on a walk in our favorite neighborhood near downtown, in our small North Carolina city. We’ve been looking for a house in this neighborhood for two years. As we are walking, I see a For Sale sign in front of the house we like the best. I can’t believe it! I immediately call the agent and leave a message for her to show it to us ASAP. I don’t want it to get snapped up. In the excitement, I don’t notice that my husband doesn’t seem to share my enthusiasm.
After we get home, my husband says he is going to take a nap. As he goes into the bedroom, I ask him if he wants company. He says, “I guess”, without much enthusiasm. I go into the bedroom and ask him what’s wrong. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, bomb drop!
“I don’t feel emotionally connected to you” “I don’t love you like a husband should love his wife” “I had just accepted that nothing would ever change” “I don’t know if I can love you again” “I’ve been hardening my heart against you”
The agent calls in the middle of this and I tell her we won’t be looking at the house. I’m very afraid, but not hopeless. We’ve been married nearly 35 years, my husband is a pastor, we’ve never been separated, and we’ve always made it through hard times together. Surely, we will just go to marriage counseling and make some changes and we’ll be ok, right?
Wrong. So wrong. Each day following seemed like living in some kind of Twilight Zone episode, where people wake up in a place that seems mostly the same, but in some way terrifyingly different. I was living in the same house with the one person in this world who had vowed to God to love me, no matter what. But here he was, telling me he felt nothing for me; not even compassion. What was going on!
He didn’t want to touch me or even talk to me. I still had to go to church and pretend everything was ok. We had planned on spending the 4th of July with our son’s family and spending the night. I didn’t want to go; I didn’t think I could act for that long. It was torture, but we did it. I felt all the time that my world was spinning out of control. “Jane, get me off of this crazy thing!”
We were both in tremendous pain; it was palpable. My mind sped like a hummingbird from one thought to the next. I got little sleep and ate less and less. I was losing a pound a day and was small to begin with. I called the doctor and got anxiety and depression medicine. But no medicine could take away the feeling that my entire body was burning up. My skin felt like it was on fire. I remember thinking, God really does purify us in our trials.
Me: 57 H: 58 M: 35 T: 38 3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls BD: July 2019 He left: January 2020 Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Once upon a troubled time I had a hurricane in my mind I didn’t know who I was What I wanted or who I loved
Old painful feelings I thought were gone Came out from hiding Incredibly strong
I was in tremendous pain Someone had to be to blame I looked around, all I could see Was the woman who had married me
I felt that I was sinking low I didn’t know which way to go I had to reckon with my past To build a future that would last
God ran with me in the race Healing every broken place Always repeating the same refrain Until it overcame the pain
“Love yourself, as I have loved And forgive yourself, as I forgave Then you’ll know My peace and will Cause the hurricane to still”
I wrote this poem a few months after bd. I wanted to write something of what I imagined a MLC was; but also give encouragement that it would over someday. I know my husband was in terrible pain; he couldn't work or concentrate and his blood pressure was sky high. I would so rather be the LBS than the MLCer. My pain was terrible, but to not know who you are has to be terrifying. I wish I could do a rewrite of the MLC script!
Me: 57 H: 58 M: 35 T: 38 3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls BD: July 2019 He left: January 2020 Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
To my husband, I’m persona non grata In his screwed-up brain, I don’t really matta It all just makes me feel real sadda But I’d be a lot betta If I could just kick his assa
I wrote this poem just before he moved out. I shared this with him the night before he left. He thought it was pretty funny. It really helped me get through some hard times.
Me: 57 H: 58 M: 35 T: 38 3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls BD: July 2019 He left: January 2020 Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
To me this poem exemplifies the DB website, although I wasn't thinking of that at the time I wrote it. I wrote it for a good friend from church, who was helping me make it through this, at the same time she was going through her own set of problems.
Dark Days
Through deep, dark days I stumble and fall Cry out and pray Feel all alone
If only I could see A break in the clouds A patch of blue sky A glimmer of light
Though the darkness abides Without The glory of God shines Within
If only I could be The break in the clouds The patch of blue sky The glimmer of light
To others in the dark We wouldn’t be alone
Me: 57 H: 58 M: 35 T: 38 3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls BD: July 2019 He left: January 2020 Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
I wrote this a few months after my husband left, when I had really taken a hard look at myself.
Fear Has No Quarter
I fear that fear has been too dear For many a year
Fear of conflict Fear of alienation Fear of enabling Fear of humiliation Fear of being unloved Fear of not being enough
Did I mention I had a lot of fears? Fears of every description Lived within me I was like a deer in headlights Never knowing which way lay danger or safety
Therefore, the Lord saw fit To strip me bare and leave me in a place Where even death has lost its sting Here, fear has no quarter
Me: 57 H: 58 M: 35 T: 38 3 Grown Children; 2 Grand Girls BD: July 2019 He left: January 2020 Summer 2020: "Risen from the pit of despair"
