Sorry I didn't respond earlier. RIght now I'm focusing on GAL by putting a lot of my energy into jump starting a career and having a positive, healthy friend group
Update: DH has reached out occasionally, but it's few and far between. I forgot a couple important things yesterday and he seemed miffed with me. So, I continue to be scattered, which has been a problem in our marriage. However, he double booked things with the kids this morning and did not seem apologetic or able to acknowledge his mistake. It appears that the dynamic remains in place where he is quick to criticize and act exasperated by my mistakes, but unable to acknowledge when he messes up. Nonetheless, I am continuing with the ADHD counseling and focusing on improving myself.
I continue to be outwardly calm and cordial towards him. But inwardly, I am seriously questioning if this marriage is worth salvaging. Yes, I messed up, I shouldn't have left, but I've apologized and, honestly, I think most worthwhile men would have patched it up with their wife at this point.
Not to come across as arrogant, but I'm a very attractive, kind, loving woman, with an amazing education. I've been an amazing mother and have supported him and his career. I have started to think how easy it would be for me to find a decent man who would value me.
Based on his tone, it appears that every time I make even the smallest slip up, DH views me as inferior, like I'm damaged goods unworthy of him.
I know he has hinted that he wants to see me back in the work force. And I was prior to covid. But he is quick to drop the kids off during his custody time when schools are closed. And it appears schools will close again soon. He seems to want things both ways.
Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel like they deserve so, so, so much better than this? I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I recognize that I am all over the map, but maybe I deserve a much better man. It's just a shame that that man does not appear to be the man who is the father of my children.
It appears that the dynamic remains in place where he is quick to criticize and act exasperated by my mistakes, but unable to acknowledge when he messes up. Nonetheless, I am continuing with the ADHD counseling and focusing on improving myself.
Crazy how we marry our opposites!
I may tend to sympathize with your H, simply b/c I have a family member who has the worst attention deficient I've ever seen. Living under the same roof, could drive a person insane. Unlike you, this person does nothing to improve or help the problem. It has caused so much anxiety for the rest of the family. I hope your H will appreciate your efforts to improve. At least, you are trying!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'll be honest, I have a hard time assessing how much of this is my ADHD and how much of this is a need for him and his family to feel and act superior. I don't doubt that I struggle with ADHD a bit, but it has not proven to be a problem with employers etc. I don't doubt that it is frustrating at times, but there is simply no excuse for a relationship in which I am constantly criticized whilst I work harder and harder to please him and/or his parents. So, yes, I am working on the ADHD. But at some point I feel that I deserve so much more than this. As previously stated, he appears to disregard when he messes up, when he double books events, when he loses things. He is chronically late to appointments and events. I could choose to make a big deal of this, but I do not.
So, yes, I need to work on myself. But I do not need a sanctimonious, critical spouse who appears fully incapable of seeing his own shortcomings with regard to organization and time management. Nor do I need in laws who criticize my housekeeping after I spent hours cleaning in preparation for their visit.
Sorry if I'm ranting, but there is an important calculus to this situation: to what lengths does one go to improve themselves and rectify their own shortcomings and when does one say "I'm human and you are too. I am worth more than constant criticism and contempt."
I recognize and appreciate that this is a board devoted to saving marriages. I would love my marriage saved. But not in the face of derision and constant, ill guided attempts to "fix me" on the part of a spouse who appears to relish playing the role of superior.
Truthfully this board is about saving yourself and in turn gives you the best shot at saving your marriage. Most of the marriages here are not saved and shouldn’t be saved. We have someone on here whose spouse left them fives times for another person. I am trying to help him save himself and not his marriage.
I like what you posted earlier. I was happy to see you getting it early on. It usually takes a LBS a really long time to understand they deserve better. Most come here shattered and their self worth really low and it takes a lot of time and work to rebuild again. We all have flaws and you are owning yours and your seeing your H for who he really is and that’s a good thing. Be proud of yourself for trying to grow. Most people don’t because it’s hard.
I'll be honest, I have a hard time assessing how much of this is my ADHD and how much of this is a need for him and his family to feel and act superior. I don't doubt that I struggle with ADHD a bit, but it has not proven to be a problem with employers etc. I don't doubt that it is frustrating at times, but there is simply no excuse for a relationship in which I am constantly criticized whilst I work harder and harder to please him and/or his parents.
This is the source to your marital troubles. You are very sensitive about their criticism, and maybe for good reason. But what are you going to do to do about it? How will you change your life for the better? Will it take elimination of certain people in your life? Will it require an organization program? You won't change your in-laws and I doubt you'll change your H, so what's the plan? So far, you have been rather wishy-washy regarding your MR. You leave him, then start missing him, and take him food, etc. Then you get around your group of female friends and start talking about what you deserve and pointing out his faults. I was just as sensitive to criticism as you are. But guess what I would do? I was just as critical about my in-laws and H's faults. So, it wasn't saying much about me as a person. All my complaining and criticizing got me nowhere! Know what you can control, and what you can't. You can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
Take it from an old former people-pleaser, you set yourself free the minute you stop trying to please everyone else in the room. Everyone will not accept you for who you really are. Everyone will not like you, no matter how great a gal you are. That's the harsh facts of life. Some people don't need a reason to not like you. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It's just them! So, who are you going to listen to? What is going to make you happy? Focusing on a new career is great, if that's what YOU really want. If it's your idea and your desire, then go for it. If you can't be happy with your H, and his family, then you may have to stay away from them for more than just a few days/weeks.
Surround yourself with positive people, as much as possible, and stay away from those who focus on the negative side of relationships, politics, the workforce, parenting, and life in general. If possible, give yourself a break from so much negative stuff you're exposed to every day. What do you do, or where do you go to lift your spirits?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
