New here-heartbroken and confused

[Traveler]

Hi RustyMom,

I don't know if this helps or not, but this is how I would handle these..

It's hard when he went from never attending a game to all of a sudden insisting on being at all the games despite the league's covid policy of only one parent per game.

Do the games fall on his days or your days? That's who decides. "Sunday is my day. I don't want to miss many games. I'd be willing to give up my seat for 1 in 4 games. Please remember that when Little Johnny has an activity on your days. ;)" OR "I know Sunday is your day, but it'd mean a ton to me if I could attend some games, and a ton to Little Johnny to see both parents cheering him on. May I attend every 4th game?"

I'm sending the eldest back to in person tomorrow and he wants to call and discuss the school supply list with me.It's a supply list!

This year I told her "Little Johnny has all his supplies in his backpack, so we don't have to buy two sets of supplies. Please remind him to pack everything up when he returns!" Like you said--it's just a supply list. My reply assures them everything is in place and informs them of the logistics necessary.

If they really wanted to be involved, I might offer--"I plan to buy everything this weekend. If you want to buy the top 5, or bottom 5 items, let me know before then!" If she responded with anything but a clear "I'm buying x, y, z" I'd just buy everything as per the initial plan and let them know.

I think I may have to nicely draw boundaries around the monitoring and correcting of me.

Absolutely. I parent my way on my time. It's one of the joys of being divorced.

[Rustymom]

Good advice. The games are evenly divided between our days. Typically we have both attended since separation; Starting with Covid, the rec center asked only one parent/guardian attend with children. DH was up in arms "we can both attend." It's times like this when I think, "OK for years I would have given my left arm for you to attend a game and now it means so much to you that you're fighting their covid policy?"

I think part of it is about engaging with kids now, but I also think there is a controlling/competitive element that he won't acknowledge. Like the school supply list, the constant updates making sure I'm not missing things on my custody time. It's frustrating. I'm trying to see things from his perspective and I can be scattered, but I basically single handedly raised the kids prior to the separation, so this newfound monitoring irks me.

Again, if I'm trying to reconcile, this is, I suppose, the wrong attitude to have. I just feel like some of this is a way to criticize and control me via the kids

[KitCat]

Good advice. The games are evenly divided between our days. Typically we have both attended since separation; Starting with Covid, the rec center asked only one parent/guardian attend with children. DH was up in arms "we can both attend." It's times like this when I think, "OK for years I would have given my left arm for you to attend a game and now it means so much to you that you're fighting their covid policy?"

I think part of it is about engaging with kids now, but I also think there is a controlling/competitive element that he won't acknowledge. Like the school supply list, the constant updates making sure I'm not missing things on my custody time. It's frustrating. I'm trying to see things from his perspective and I can be scattered, but I basically single handedly raised the kids prior to the separation, so this newfound monitoring irks me.

Again, if I'm trying to reconcile, this is, I suppose, the wrong attitude to have. I just feel like some of this is a way to criticize and control me via the kids

So you divide the games --- look at the schedule and agree who goes to which game.

Why argue? Why point out how desperate you've been to get him to be engaged.

Why not simply "your dedication to the time you spend with the kids is so great ((let's face it ladies we find it very attractive when a guy is being a hands on dad--- so you go as deep as you want... It's so attractive, etc... whatever your comfort level)) these days - I know they appreciate as do I"

Then "due to current policy how can we divide these times up so we get equal time to share?

I would not come from this a point of attack OR a point of past hurt. You want to recon you are going to have to let go of the past --- keeping score is when no one wins.

[may22]

Hi Rusty,

I completely empathize with you. It is incredibly difficult not to cramp your eyeballs rolling them when your H suddenly turns into super dad. And, hard not to pin motivations on him, like trying to criticize or control you.

But. You need to let. this. go. Truly, what bothers you about it? That he didn't do it before and now suddenly is-- to which I would say, the past is the past, neither of you can change it, and if you take that history away isn't it a good thing that he's participating now and not staying home to play video games?

Or, you think he's doing it to criticize you... so what? Dissecting his motivations and getting angry about what you think might be why he's doing this is not a productive use of your time and energy. And honestly, while I can believe that a parent would be motivated to start this behavior out of spitefulness, I can't imagine them continuing it for any long period of time for that same reason. It is simply too much work. My guess is maybe it started that way but now he's enjoying the involvement, like the guys that have posted here on your board. You see some WAHs complaining about wanting more time with their children, especially over on the MLC board, but many times it is just for show.

My H has become far more engaged throughout this whole process in parenting and cooking (ha ha, unfortunately not so much the picking up or vacuuming) and it was hilarious to see him "discover" something I've known for years. But I also found that I was rather controlling in some aspects of parenting and the household, especially because he traveled so much for work. I let that all go. And truly, letting go of the emotional burden of being the only person to remember what days were swimming or soccer or piano and who has a spelling test on Thursday vs. Friday... O. M. G. I didn't realize how much weight I was carrying until he took over half of it.

You may need to also spend some time asking yourself (as I did, at first) why this all bothers you so much. For me, I felt a little displaced from my comfortable role as the preferred parent and unwritten but acknowledged keeper of all knowledge for the household. What did that mean for my identity? Was I no longer needed in the same way? Etc. But I got over that. (Now if AP tried to swan in and spend time with my children, that is a whole 'nother story and I still would want to rip her eyeballs out. Trying to deal with the rage I have right now surrounding her.) But my H stepping up as a father is a good thing.

However... I digress and his motivations for starting or continuing the behavior are truly irrelevant. Having an involved co-parent is not a bad thing. Who cares if he's touching base about the school supply list. Let it roll off your back and try to stop interpreting it as competitive or controlling. Take it for what it is and let the rest go.

((RM)))

[Rustymom]

It's good advice and that is actually what I did. When it came out that only one parent could attend games I said to DH, "why don't you take them on your Saturdays and I'll take them on my Saturdays." I felt it was an even, sensible split given the circumstances. But, of course, he just shows up on my Saturdays to the games in violation of the rec center's covid policy. I don't say anything because there is no point in starting a fight, but in my mind I'm thinking that this is odd. A man who wouldn't ever go to a game is now going to all games in violation of the stated policy. Again, not going to bring it up with him or fight about it, but it's beyond weird to me.

And yes, there is no point in bringing how he failed in the past up. I'm trying to work with him on this newfound vigor for his role as a father. It's nice, but, at this point, it is hard to find it attractive. It would have been very attractive years ago. I want to work on the marriage and encourage him. I want to find a middle ground. But I can't make things feel attractive when they feel so over the top and put on. I am struggling at times to see it as genuine. I am getting there, but I am evaluating this just like he is.

He actually called about the school supply list and we had a good discussion. I went over the list with him and then I said, "DH, I have to be honest. This is a very simple list. Perhaps I'm wrong here and I don't want to misread things, but your desire to go over it feels a bit like you don't trust me to handle a simple list with the kids. I don't want to fight and I wan't to see your perspective, but I did want to say that I feel a bit micromanaged." He actually apologized and said he realizes he can be overbearing. So that was good. I communicated openly and wasn't hostile.

[Ready2Change]

Did anybody else's husband start playing "Mr. Super Dad" upon separation? Like DH couldn't do anything with the kids at all and suddenly I'm bombarded with texts etc reminding me about kids things. Of course I'm doing all of the kids stuff. I've always done all of the kids stuff. What's up with the reminders and check ins? I'm trying really hard not to let it infuriate me

From my observations, most women are the coordinators of the kids activities (Traditional and efficient) until the bomb drop. Then responsibilities are shifted around. Dad is just showing you he is fully capable of doing what you have been doing. Just appreciate he is being responsible. Others are not so lucky.



HUGS


PS: Do not let your frustration get focused on him. Express and release it elsewhere. The one who has an emotion reaction loses.

[Rustymom]

Just wanted to update. It feels like we are going in a positive direction, but I'm not sure. As previously mentioned, when DH called about the school list, I nicely explained that it felt a little controlling, but that I didn't want to jump to assumptions. This was a 180 for me, as I usually either remain quiet and get withdrawn and snippy or (at the beginning of the separation) lash out and say something snarky. DH apologized and said he was working on being less overbearing in therapy. It was a brief, positive discussion about one of the issues (me being ditzy, him being critical) that we have had in both the mr and as co-parents. I finished the discussion by genuinely complimenting him and he complimented me. He then called back and asked to ride with me and eldest this morning to drop eldest off at school.

After we dropped the eldest off at school, DH overheard me saying to our youngest child that I was taking him out for a special breakfast. DH asked to join. This afternoon, when he came to pick up youngest today, he lingered, talked a bunch, and asked to check the mouse traps in my house (I recently caught a couple of mice, which terrifies me). I'm not sure if I'm getting "friend zoned" or what, but it's nice that we are more amicable. I am sure not to initiate any more invitations, not to text except for emergencies, and to always end calls/communications first. I do not want to get my hopes up, but at least we are no longer clawing each others eyes out and we were able to communicate effectively.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Rusty,

You are dealing with a cat. You want to be catnip.


Stop doing anything that frightens the cat. Do things that will attract the cat (but do not go over board).

For example, look your best and smell good when interacting with him. Show him what he is missing out on. Don't actively pursue him. Right now is indirect. If he comes around, let him. Give him positive attention. When he leaves, let him go. Act as if you are starting a new relationship (which you are). You learned a lot in the last relationship and you do not want to repeat those mistakes.


HUGS

[Rustymom]

Yes, Ready2change, he does act like a scared cat. And having a cat around might be good if I have a mouse problem. Kidding! (I take this all very seriously, but sometimes when life gets hard, you just have to crack a corny joke.)

Joking aside, as I start to see past my own pain and see his point of view, I grow more and more understanding of just how hurt he must be. I mean, yes I have pleaded for forgiveness, but those pleas were punctuated by periods of yelling and threats. I was hurt and lashed out. To him, this probably has felt all very emotionally unstable and scary. To me, it's been painful and difficult and a roller coaster. So, while I have tried to patch things up, it's understandable that he hasn't run back into the arms of a screaming, threatening woman who decided to walk out.

So yes, I will be "cat nip." Or, at the very least, I will just be pleasant, kind, understanding and emotionally centered. And I will try and continue to work on myself. Becoming a more even keel person who isn't rueld by emotions, investing in my own career and independence, and trying to see past my own pain are good things to do regardless of the outcome.

To be honest, while I'm more emotional than DH, I'm also more forgiving. DH tends to write things off past a certain point. It may well be that he only wants to be friends at this point. And I need to be ok with that. What happened is what happened and while I did not react well, there were legitimate reasons I felt the way I did. So, I just need to be ok with whatever happens and focus on being the best me that I can be. I'm going to do my best to learn from this. And to move on in a positive direction

[Ready2Change]

We need more humor around here!



What are your GAL plans for this weekend?