I’ve been reading some new and old posts over the past week. I wish I’d read some of these a lot earlier on in the separation. I apologise for my abreviations, I will try my best.
I also hope this is in the right thread, I’m new to this forum thing.
My story so far, about 6-8 weeks ago my w (33F) told me she is unhappy.
We’ve been together 9 years and M almost 5 of those and we have a 3 yr old S together. In my eyes it has always been a great time together, there has never been any violence or abuse, almost no arguments.
Our time as parents did not begin well, I was diagnosed with a brain tumour 5 weeks after our S was born. I had it removed 3 months later. I am now tumour free, this would have put a strain on our MR.
Me (41M) can’t understand why. First she said that the joy had gone from us. I will say this year I personally be a lot busier and stressed at work and I admit that our QT and SL has not been the same.
After our recent COVID lockdown quarantine she has been going out with friends a lot more. All this group of friends are single. She has started drinking more, buying new clothes that she would’ve worn in her 20s. She also has been very distant with her family and friends.
We tried to talk about things and both went to seperate therapy sessions. We went to one therapy session together but she wasn’t very open to going to more.
I begrudgingly agreed to seperate as I didn’t think they workout, and take turn about for a week living in our family home separately with our S for consistency. Naturally I did all the “usual small amount of begging, sending flowers etc.”
Around 4 weeks into the separation my W told me ILYBNILWY. And that there is no chance of reconciliation. She has it in her mind to completely seperate and sell our family home. She has also started to purchase items for her new apartment. I have a feeling she still cares, she messages me occasionally and messages to family about birthdays.
I recently had minor surgery and she offered and followed through with taking me to hospital. It feels like there are so many mixed signals but it feels like she has also made up her mind to leave.
We are in contact via texting, mainly about our S.
Next week we are going to seperate our finances and organise a a formal separation agreement.
Need guidance/help is it a break up or MLC or WAW?
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I hate to be the one to break this to you, but most likely she has another man. The cutting off from family, wearing younger clothes, going out with single friends (or maybe just ONE single guy friend I'm guessing) sure look likely. If you could access your cell phone records I bet you'd see numerous calls to a particular number.
You don't mention whether your tumor was benign or malignant. Some people cannot handle their partner having a life-threatening disease, and they bail out early rather than go through the pain of losing the partner.
Brain surgery, even for a benign tumor, can also sometimes result in personality changes. You might ask other friends or family if they have noticed anything different about you. But my guess is that she feels overwhelmed by motherhood, scared by your illness, and turned to another man for excitement. It's relatively rare for a woman with such a young child to bail like this in the absence of abuse or her having an affair.
Unfortunately, I think that KML is right (she has a lot of experience on these boards and has seen a lot of situations like ours). It is likely that W has an OM in her life.
I am not too much ahead of you in my situation. A few months ago, I asked the vets on this forum what they wished they had done differently and one vet named LH19 who had a lot of experience and was years on the other side of his situation replied with this:
Originally Posted by LH19
In my situation I wished I would have said 'you want a divorce? Do you need help packaging your bags?' Then went out and started my new awesome life.
Wait until you're a couple years out. You will look back and cringe at the BS you put up with him.
I wished I had heeded LH's advice sooner. Letting go (dropping the rope, as they say here) is one of the hardest things you can do, but probably also one of the most valuable in the process of recovering yourself OR your marriage.
Although you believe your W may be in the midst of an MLC (I am not experienced enough to help you with that diagnosis), you might find additional support on the Newcomer's Forum, so post there too if you want. There tends to be more activity there and you will also read a lot of stories like your own.
The thought had crossed my mind. While I don’t disagree with you, during our single therapy session, we were both asked if we had cheated or was there someone else. And we both answered no. Unfortunately I can’t access her phone records to see if there were any particular numbers she frequently called as we are on separate plans.
Fortunately the tumour was benign and it has been completely removed and a recent scan shows that it hasn’t reappeared.
I also missed out a conversation we had last week.
A family tradition we had was to go to a Christmas and Santa photo shoot with our S a few days for Christmas.
I asked if she would be going alone with our S because I was looking at making a booking for myself and S. She replied “ I would like to go us 3”. I was very confused and not sure if that statement will be followed through now.
Another thing I’m not sure what I should do when it does come round: but what do I do when it comes to what would’ve been our 5th year anniversary in November?
The thought had crossed my mind. While I don’t disagree with you, during our single therapy session, we were both asked if we had cheated or was there someone else. And we both answered no. Unfortunately I can’t access her phone records to see if there were any particular numbers she frequently called as we are on separate plans.
There is a saying here "Believe none of what they say, and half of what they do"
This doesn't mean "Don't believe them."
It also doesn't mean "Do believe them."
It means "Stop paying attention to what they say".
For one, WAS'es are notorious for saying anything. Secondly, LBS'es are notorious for not being able to see things clearly because they are wrapped up in the emotional whirlwind of their situation. And then making instinctive and emotionally driven decisions.
My ex said he wasn't having an affair when I confronted him with the written evidence on his laptop! It's the first move of any WAS no matter how ridiculous.
Now, while men almost NEVER leave without an OW in place, women sometimes do. But your wife's singles nights out, youthful clothing changes etc, lack of any real attempt to repair the marriage with a young child in the mix - all signs point to an OM I'm afraid.
I concur with what others are said. WAS lie about affairs because they don't want to look like the bad guy/girl. In my situation, my XH was living with his affair and still denied she was anything but a roommate (swore on our children's lives!!) right up until they got engaged approximately seven months after I found out about his double life. Trust your gut. I have discovered over the past two years that it is rarely wrong. (((HUGS)))
