"No sorry, missed your earlier text. Thanks for the compliment. Doing well on that aspect of my journey and getting self confidence back, a little work to do in other areas but thanks".
Nice try at selling yourself. No response was ok. Thanks at the most.
It's a good sign that her friends are noticing. It raises your value.
Just to add so that you can advise on whether I have responded correctly or not.
Just had a couple of text messages from my wife (missed the first one, hence her second:
1. "Well done with the weight loss, you looked like a different person today. Even [daughter] said she had to do a double take!!"
2. "I assume your choosing to not reply on purpose based on your previous note [Saturday]...sorry, just thought you might welcome the compliment "
I've responded (and you can perhaps correct me and tell me I should have waited):
"No sorry, missed your earlier text. Thanks for the compliment. Doing well on that aspect of my journey and getting self confidence back, a little work to do in other areas but thanks".
She has just responded but I won't reply (as tempting as it is):
"Missed my text!! Good work anyway, apparently [wife's friend who I bumped into on Saturday] couldn't stop singing your praises"
First, do not apology. Drop the sorries.
"Missed your earlier text. THanks for the compliment."
Short. Sweet. To the point.
In fact, if you are at the point of LRT (ie going dark) then you do not even need to respond at all. Only respond to direct questions. Your Nice Guy Syndrome will make you feel guilty for not responding. Fight through that.
Rules for communication. Let phone calls go to voicemail. If she texts, only respond to direct questions. In as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get a yes or no answer. Also, do not respond right away. Respond in your own time. Remember you are out getting a life. You are busy. Too busy for phone calls, and busy enough that you cannot respond to text questions immediately.
REMEMBER: YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks - expected the feedback received. Yes do need to drop the nice guy bit but its not natural.
My underlying challenge is that if you are playing it distant, some other party is going to be doing the exact opposite. Doesn't this create a void for them to fill, why would she become the pursuer when she can be pursued by someone else, someone new.
My daughter rang earlier (whilst with her mum) saying that mum couldn't sleep last night and came into her room to lie next to her on bed. I'm guessing but it seems my wife may have things on her mind - feels wrong if I'm distant and someone else isn't, that she will know where she can get her emotional support from.
Difficult day for me today - my daughter has gone to a friend's for a sleepover, so wife is free all afternoon until tomorrow morning. You can appreciate what is going through my mind and the temptation to drive past later to see if she is at home! Will need to fight this.
Thanks - expected the feedback received. Yes do need to drop the nice guy bit but its not natural.
My underlying challenge is that if you are playing it distant, some other party is going to be doing the exact opposite. Doesn't this create a void for them to fill, why would she become the pursuer when she can be pursued by someone else, someone new.
My daughter rang earlier (whilst with her mum) saying that mum couldn't sleep last night and came into her room to lie next to her on bed. I'm guessing but it seems my wife may have things on her mind - feels wrong if I'm distant and someone else isn't, that she will know where she can get her emotional support from.
Difficult day for me today - my daughter has gone to a friend's for a sleepover, so wife is free all afternoon until tomorrow morning. You can appreciate what is going through my mind and the temptation to drive past later to see if she is at home! Will need to fight this.
Thanks
Have you read the pursuit-distance dynamic thread? I think it would be time well spent.
You are in a dangerous time. She has fired you as her H. She'd love to be BFFs though. Then you;d get to hear all about her new relationships, etc. Does that sound like fun?
DJH, GAL. You should be busy busy busy. Keep working on self-improvement (180s). But learn how to be detached. Where her words and deeds are not impacting you emotionally. And finally, above all, realize that she is gone, likely not to return, no matter what you do or don't do.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My underlying challenge is that if you are playing it distant, some other party is going to be doing the exact opposite. Doesn't this create a void for them to fill, why would she become the pursuer when she can be pursued by someone else, someone new.
The biggest problem for most people in this scenario is the feeling that you've lost control over your life and your future.
For years you've lived by a certain set of rules -- that if you're a good husband, you can count on your wife supporting you.
Because you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.
etc. etc.
When that's suddenly ripped away and you can't understand (a) what you did to make it fall apart so suddenly, (b) why the person who used to be your partner seems to have had a complete personality change and (c) why you can't seem to do anything to make it better, it is totally destabilizing.
Your brain doesn't like this instability, and it doesn't like the unavailability of a remedy at all! Its panic-inducing.
Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.
Your brain convinces you that the quickest way to do that is to get your wayward spouse back. If you can do that, then all the old rules still apply and there was just a temporary blip on the radar.
As a result, your brain will *compel* you to want to pursue, and everything else is a justification to allow you to do what you want.
Step back and look at some of these situations -- a person's wife cheats on them for years with several OM's. If that comes to light, a rational person would say "this woman has issues" and head the other way right? But in reality, we see time and again that the LBS convinces themselves that this cheater is the best person in the world, and they want to have them back more than anything.
WHY? Because the loss of control is devastating. The loss of control is something our brains can't process or tolerate.
If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.
What can restore that sense of control?
1) Set goals for yourself and hit them. (Get in shape, do an improvement project around the house, learn to play an instrument)
2) Interact with others. Volunteer, join a club, a little positive validation from other humans will do wonders
3) Talk to a therapist or a DB coach. You have a lot of feelings to work through, keep walking the road.
The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses. Going the other way is the *only* thing that may effect a woman like that.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
In terms of her feeling differently -- when you first met she didn't instantly want to marry you, then you got married and she didn't want to leave you, then at some point she did want to leave you. She was stubborn the whole time, made three decisions there and changed her feelings about the first two. That should prove to you that her feelings do change, and despite how she feels now, or what she says now, she may feel and do completely different things in the future. You have hard evidence of that.
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
Listen to the advice being given to you DJ. Really, really read it...more than once. And follow it. If you want to save your marriage, you need to do this. 100%. Yes we don’t know you or your W IRL BUT this is not about knowing the individual. This is human behaviour...plain and simple. We always want what we can’t have and devalue the things that we know we can have.
When I read your entry about your W’s text to you, my first thought is that she was experiencing a brief moment of loss of control when it comes to you. That was a temperature check. When you missed her text, she reacted, right? Then you apologized and told her that you missed it and you relieved her angst. Do not do that anymore! If she texts you something like that again, ignore it. Do not apologize. You are not at her beck and call.
Personally, I am not a fan of the non-acknowledged text as I think it can be perceived as game playing. But don’t give info like you are reporting to her or wanting her approval. She doesn’t have the right to that much information and you don’t need her approval or permission. And don’t tell her you are changing because words are cheap and they make you sound desperate... like please notice me!!! Sounds like she is noticing and not only that, other people in her circle are as well. Let them notice. You live your life for you.
Keep working at it. You will get there!!! (((HUGS)))
DJ I am really sorry you had to see that and understand your upset.
Prepare yourself for the fact that you're unlikely to ever get any remorse or any type of apology.
You are right that it [censored], and I'm glad you're angry about it, that's part of processing all of this. Allow yourself to feel all of it and don't worry about it for a minute.
Realistically someone having an affair like this is usually a "last straw" versus a spur of the moment decision. In most relationships needs don't get met, resentments build up, and just pile up over time. When you're living in the same space there's a lot of motivation to compromise and keep the peace, but usually under the surface there's stuff brewing that isn't getting discussed, usually because both people convince themselves that it's just a temporary issue and will go away on its own.
I read somewhere that for people in a relationship to characterize it as "happy", positive interactions need to outweigh negative ones by a ratio of 7:1. For every one time you come away from an exchange annoyed, you have to come away from seven others feeling good. That's a pretty difficult thing to achieve for most people. If you're shy of that, the resentment snowball is growing.
An affair is escapism for sure, and its usually the result of a chance opportunity, or a thousand micro-escalations that happened without any forethought. What it's really a symptom of, however, is conflict avoidance.
For a relationship to be successful both people need to be willing to blow it up on occasion, argue it out and be prepared to walk if a compromise can't be reached. That takes a lot of strength and self-confidence. For more often people stuff it down and pave over it and eventually you're sitting on a volcano that's ready to blow.
Point is, regardless of the affair one or both of you weren't happy. Usually its just a matter of timing in terms of who pulls the rip cord first.
That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.
So ask yourself, what do you want and why do you want it?
