All -- I have a WAS with MLC I found out about my husbands affair on Feb 25th - he went from a kind husband, to cruel & uncaring that day, Feb 25th. Spent a few weeks where he was trying to convince me that he could have both of us, he could compartmentalize, it would work. She was the best friend he ever had. He finally stopped seeing her and then stopped talking to her - that took about 3 weeks.
The last month, we were going on walks, talking - really getting along, good conversation - he is impressed at the changes I have made - and says he knows I have really have changed. He would say he loved me. He would say I had so many great qualities, as a person,as a friend. Then last Sunday, complete 180, he was done - its over - he is going to leave.
He says he truly believes I have made fundamental changes, and that things would be better between us, but he does not love me or have that 'emotional' connection any longer. He is leaving. For the time he is here, while getting his items in order, he says he will continue to consider us...but I think that he is just buying time.
He is still exercising obsessively every day, taking his testosterone shots, human growth shots, minoxidil for his hair line - and dressing in concert T shirts like a 20 yr old. And talking to me in a cold tone with cold uncaring eyes. He does not seem to care even for the kids. He is detaching from us all. He is leaving.
Should I do a 180 and kick him out? or see if staying here would make any difference? His brother is willing to fly out and talk (some sense) to him. Should I invite him to come? will that even help?
I am just exhausted and can not see the forest for the trees, can someone please point out what I am missing or next steps. Feeling hopeless.
Me: 50 Husband: 49 D: 16 S: 13 Married for 23 years D Day: Feb 25th 2020 Emotional & Physical affair Dec 2019 - Feb 2020
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome to the board. These things are not easy. Most of our instincts are wrong. When we find out our spouse is unhappy or wants to leave, or when we find out they are in an affair, we usually do the wrong things.
We:
- Become super spouse, doing everything around the house, catering to their ever whim - We make changes. If they complained we never took care of our appearance, we begin to. If they said we were moody, we become super sweet. - We beg, plead, try to reason, try to get them to agree to things (please consider us while you are planning to leave) etc.
LH is right. His affair never ended. Even if they took a 3 week break, in the back of his mind he was going to reach out to her at some point and restart it. Likely he has two goals: leave the marriage but be able to look his kids and the eye and claim he tried (thus the 3 weeks), and get out with as little resistance as possible.
So what can you do? First have you read The Divorce Remedy? If not get it and read it. Next you want to remove all pressure and pursuit. This is goal #1. If you feel the urge to do something, stop and ask yourself "does this fall under pressure and pursuit?" If yes, then do no do it. If maybe, do not do it. If you have any doubt, do not do it! Remember, doing nothing IS doing something. Most things you will be tempted to do are pressure and pursuit. So default to doing nothing.
Be busy. Keep yourself occupied with things that do not include him. Go for long walks. Read. Go for car rides. Meet (even if virtually in our current world) with friends and family. (DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR SITUATION, these actions are to get away from your situation.)
Keep working on you. Keep making positive changes to you. Not for him or the marriage, but for yourself. Become the best version of you that you can be! Get into IC.
And then work on healthy, emotional detachment. Study what that means. Nothing was as useful in my situation as not reacting the way she expected me to to what she said and did! If you can successfully detach, I think you will be surprised at the changes in him.
Follow good anti-DB principles. Do not share your bed with a cheater. I would move him out of the MBR. Doesn't matter where he sleeps as long as it it not with you. In most jurisdictions you can't kick him out legally. You can ask him to leave if that is what you want. Never do anything in an attempt to manipulate him or get him to change. That is pressure and pursuit.
Keep posting, we are here to help.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No. A lot of WAS's fall into this trap of trying to "nice" their WAS back and then when that doesn't work, they try to "mean" them back. Make threats, kick them out, start the D process. But they're not doing it because that's what they want, they're doing it to try and "wake them up". But it never works, so then they revert to trying to "nice" them back again and back and forth it goes. And it all just drives the WAS farther and farther away.
And.... that's not a 180 anyway. What is a 180? It's doing the opposite of what you've been doing. And what have you been doing? EVERYTHING to get him back! So what is the opposite of doing "everything"? Yup, you got it- "nothing". And that's what you should do, at least when it comes to saving the M. Nothing at all. Remove all pressure. Leave him alone. THIS is the hardest thing of all to do because your whole body and soul is screaming DO SOMETHING! And you can do something, just not for the marriage, at least not directly.
You work on YOU. Lose weight if you need to. Get in shape if you need to. Spruce up your wardrobe. Change your hair style. Get back into old hobbies, learn a few new ones. Take a painting class, do volunteer work, go for walks every day, joint a meetup group or two. Reach out to old friends. Make some new ones. In short, GET A LIFE.
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His brother is willing to fly out and talk (some sense) to him. Should I invite him to come? will that even help?
No, it will not help. In fact it may hurt things. Whether you have anything to do with it or not he will blame you for "rallying the troops against him". Just tell the brother that he needs time and space more than anything.
Thank you for the advice! I have read the book and now re-reading it for clarity...and working thru the newcomer threads, almost done. I have been stalking for awhile before I posted.
Lets see - I personally know he is not physically seeing her, though he may be in touch with her via phone. Honestly, I have moved past that. And, we are in separate beds - no sex (by this choice).
All the soul crushing things that he has said to me - have really helped me detach from him. I will work for this 23 year marriage, and us, and our kids and family - but that being said - getting brained emotionally so often has numbed me a lot. In fact, I posted on a dating app last night - and overnight got many messages and likes - and it validated me that there are potential partners out there that 'want' me (yeah, I lost 30 pounds & that helped, I feel better about myself) I took myself off the app early this morning.
I asked him about his departure and requested he not to leave in the middle of the night. He said he would let me know. I asked him to stay and continue to try, but he is convinced he no longer loves me. I let him know that I understood that he could not really know if these changes are permanent unless he stuck around...and I fully understood what a chance he would be taking to stay and trust me after all these bad years of hurting him. But, he is finally getting everything he ever wanted from me - and how bittersweet it was for me to now understand his predicament & pain and never have had the chance to show him the changes he always wanted.
He said he would stay and try. I let him know he would have to stop looking for a place and try connecting. He said he would. Who really knows what he is doing - maybe just placating me - maybe buying more time for his indecisiveness - maybe he is hearing the tinges of detachment from my side. This morning he was all hugs - I did not initiate that.
I will let his brother know not to come. Appreciate that good advice AnotherStander. Steve85, I have officially taken off my super spouse cape...I will show love and empathy but stay on my side of the street.
Still would appreciate ya'all's objective nod that either I am being played -or- handling it right per DB rules.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
In fact, I posted on a dating app last night - and overnight got many messages and likes - and it validated me that there are potential partners out there that 'want' me (yeah, I lost 30 pounds & that helped, I feel better about myself) I took myself off the app early this morning.
Try cultivating that confidence within yourself instead of looking outward for approval from others.
Originally Posted by MistySea
I asked him about his departure and requested he not to leave in the middle of the night. He said he would let me know. I asked him to stay and continue to try, but he is convinced he no longer loves me. I let him know that I understood that he could not really know if these changes are permanent unless he stuck around...
This is pursuing. Let him go when he wants to go and allow him to go through his journey on his own.
Originally Posted by MistySea
and I fully understood what a chance he would be taking to stay and trust me after all these bad years of hurting him.
@Wooba - I dont think asking/knowing a departure date to not be here for my sake and the kids is considered pursuing. Begging and pleading not to go would be. @Wooba - A spouse does not just Walk Away from a happy marriage, right? there were issues per him, that revolve around me - for that I am willing to apologize for.
THE NEXT DAY: I blew it...
I purposely left my phone in his car to find where he would go on outings. The sheer anxiety of every minute not knowing was really unbearable. He asked me about it, and I was honest and told him. He was MAD to say the least, and treated me with unkindness, even after all the forgiveness and kindness I have shown him.
So, after saying he would stay and try & even go to counseling...he left last night from 12am to 5am and snuck back in...I came out of my room this morning, and the wedding ring is on the kitchen table. I am afraid to come out of my room as what he will say - clearly he is about to walk out the door. This is so incredibly painful, its like going thru a meat grinder, both emotionally and physically. Even though I thought I would be okay when it happened - I am just not.
PLEASE HELP! Do I confront him on his outing last night? Do I say anything about the ring? or his planned counselor session with a DB counselor? How do I handle this?!
thank you!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me: 50 Husband: 49 D: 16 S: 13 Married for 23 years D Day: Feb 25th 2020 Emotional & Physical affair Dec 2019 - Feb 2020
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't confront him about last evening. The more you try to reason w/him, the more he's going to do what he wants. He's like a teenager and when "mom" confronts him, he'll most likely lie or project on to you how he's feeling. You cannot rationalize w/him.
I also wouldn't say a word about the ring. Just put it on the counter where he can find it. He's hoping that you'll say something to him about last night and the ring so that he can pick an argument w/you. Why? He needs justification for what he's doing or what he's thinking about doing.
I hope you didn't give him this site address. This site is for you and it's a safe place for people to post. I would suggest that you continue counseling and not say another word about him going. Unless he's willing to go, which most likely won't happen unless he drops the ow (if there is one), then counseling isn't going to do anything for him. The only thing he will do is have selective hearing and hear what he wants to hear and may not continue w/the counseling.
Please, please do not share this DB site w/him!
I know that this is a tough situation for you, but you've got to detach a bit more and go about your daily routine. The more you tried to talk to him about the relationship, the more he's going to run the other way. Come here to vent and talk.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
@Wooba - I dont think asking/knowing a departure date to not be here for my sake and the kids is considered pursuing. Begging and pleading not to go would be. @Wooba - A spouse does not just Walk Away from a happy marriage, right? there were issues per him, that revolve around me - for that I am willing to apologize for.
THE NEXT DAY: I blew it...
I purposely left my phone in his car to find where he would go on outings. The sheer anxiety of every minute not knowing was really unbearable. He asked me about it, and I was honest and told him. He was MAD to say the least, and treated me with unkindness, even after all the forgiveness and kindness I have shown him.
So, after saying he would stay and try & even go to counseling...he left last night from 12am to 5am and snuck back in...I came out of my room this morning, and the wedding ring is on the kitchen table. I am afraid to come out of my room as what he will say - clearly he is about to walk out the door. This is so incredibly painful, its like going thru a meat grinder, both emotionally and physically. Even though I thought I would be okay when it happened - I am just not.
PLEASE HELP! Do I confront him on his outing last night? Do I say anything about the ring? or his planned counselor session with a DB counselor? How do I handle this?!
thank you!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me: 50 Husband: 49 D: 16 S: 13 Married for 23 years D Day: Feb 25th 2020 Emotional & Physical affair Dec 2019 - Feb 2020
So....you nitpick Wooba about whether asking a departure data is pursuing or not.....and then leave your phone in his car to track him.
I think you are splitting hairs when clearly you are still in pressure and pursuit mode. If you are willing to leave your phone in his car to track him, then I find it hard to believe your pinning him down on a departure date was an altruistic effort for the sake of your kids.
MS, one of the first things that a LBS has to start being is honest with themselves. Almost everything we do as LBS early in our situations is for us. Even if we spin it that it is for the kids, or it was an honest question, or we were looking out for our WAS. Once you can admit that your actions aren't pure then you can start to change them. For the better.
Reread this.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Next you want to remove all pressure and pursuit. This is goal #1. If you feel the urge to do something, stop and ask yourself "does this fall under pressure and pursuit?" If yes, then do no do it. If maybe, do not do it. If you have any doubt, do not do it! Remember, doing nothing IS doing something. Most things you will be tempted to do are pressure and pursuit. So default to doing nothing.
The more you move away from him (by not pressuring and pursuing) the more he will move towards you. Read the distance/pursuit dynamic thread. It is legit.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
