Hi all, just a quick check in, the ball is still being moved forward toward D and at this point I’m detaching and finally accepting that he has to figure out his own situation and I’m making the best decisions for the kiddos at this point. Question for the LBS, what did you tell the kids? I told him I would not lie to them and tell them that I was on board with the decision (to make it easier for him) because that is not my truth but I don’t want to create extra heart ache for kiddos. . . How do you tell (and explain) the actions of WAS to kiddos? It would make more sense to them if we had been screaming and fighting all the time but the way it played out was everything seemed fine and then he was just gone. H told a coronavirus related story to kids when he left so they don’t “know” the direction things are headed.
I’m at a loss but that is coming up quickly.
Anyone have any advice for how they handled it? Thanks
For me the right thing to do was to tell them the truth. However D15 already knew 99% of everything before I did and D12 was told by her mom she didn’t love me anymore and we were getting a divorce before I found out anything too. So in my sitch it was just a matter of time before everyone knew the truth anyway and it was important to me not to be a liar in my kids eyes. Also having to remember exactly what I said when it wouldn’t have been true would have been exhausting for me. I don’t have to “remember “ the truth because the truth is the truth and I can’t fudge what I said 2 weeks ago because I didn’t make up the truth. Also I wasn’t taking any of the blame for something I didn’t want and didn’t do. However that was just for my sitch.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Well this is where opinions very so I will give you mine.
First what is your incentive for telling the children and you need to be honest with yourself?
Second this is absolutely not going to change the outcome.
Third you better make sure your side of the street is/was impeccable.
In my situation my children were young so I didn't want them thinking it was moms fault because we divorced. Truth be told it was not because I was not the perfect husband.
Now having said that, when they are older and ask me questions I will not lie to them including my part in breakdown of the marriage.
For my sitch, my kids know vaguely about mommy and daddy are “separated” (not living together) and things are different. When they asked me whether we will divorce, I was honest and said I don’t know.
Now things for me seem to be heading towards D, but I don’t plan on telling my kids until our d is finalized. And when that day comes, I plan on telling them the limited truth. Limited truth - not telling them that their father is a depressed alcoholic who is going through a MLC, but something like sometimes people go on different paths of life. I will always care about their father, but the kind of love will be different. Also like LH said, when they are older and asking questions, I will not withhold anything from them.
Hi friends! Thought it was time for an update, it’s been a bit since I posted. I still checked in to read how everyone was doing but I wasn’t ready to post for myself yet.
Since the last time I’ve been on here I’ve had a bit of a mind shift. I’ve worked through my fear of divorce and the grief of the marriage, I would probably say I was in a stage of anger but I’m not really angry at him about the marriage just angry at how selfish he has been through all this, I’ve had my eyes opened to how much more I’m worth than what he was bringing to the table. My therapist (who was our therapist) asked me that she had wondered why I was fighting so hard for the marriage.
I’m moving into an apartment and I’m excited about it, I’m ready to be out of this house we shared. He still comes and goes to get something he needs from the garage or to get something from the barn, only once has he been back inside and it was when I wasn’t here. I came home and found him inside and he took off pretty quickly after that (busted!) When he is here (outside) I can’t wait for him to leave so I’m looking forward to the apartment which he will not be allowed in and it’s an EX free zone. I’m not taking the furniture and I have a new decor style, nothing in the apartment will represent the home I had before with him. I’m looking forward to that.
I found out about the new girlfriend, not sure how new she is from the info I was given. I don’t “think” it was why he left (when we were supposed to be separated to take a break and work with the therapist to work through issues) I think he decided he was single instead which explains why he didn’t do any of the individual work with the therapist and has just quit going at this point (therapist does individual and couple, we started as couple with work on individual)
I actually feel kind of bad for new girlfriend, for multiple reasons. One, she must not to be too bright to hook up with a man who is still married and has been for almost 20 years, that would be a huge red flag to me. Second, everyone in his life thinks he is making a mistake, friends, family, etc. So I guess he probably doesn’t get to take her around and show her off. Plus, good luck to her. All the things that I was blind to have now been illuminated and his issues are still his issues so I’m sure it will turn out just fine for her lol!!!
He is so selfish, he hasn’t spent any time with the kiddos these last couple of months and there is no excuse for that. I could be the most terrible wife there ever was and it doesn’t excuse him not being around for the kids. My heart hurts for them but all I can do is be there for them instead.
So, friends, I’m not divorce busting anymore. I don’t WANT the marriage back, with the amount of work he would have to do on himself to get right and then to heal the pain he has caused this year (boy 2020 has been a rough year) I just don’t think he has it in him to climb out of that hole. I don’t look at him with love anymore, I just think he is disgusting and a low life. I want to cut the cord and be done with him.
But I will say this, I hope I’m not discouraging to anyone here that is still fighting for their marriage, Divorce Busting has been such a help. It helped me reclaim my self worth and self power and get out of the vortex of his BS to see the reality of the situation. Rose colored glasses off, if you will. I love the message behind DB because it’s really about saving yourself. And for me, he doesn’t deserve me. Maybe one day he will realize it, maybe he won’t, but what is important is that I realize it.
And I’m okay. I’m okay moving forward with D and moving out and even okay about the girlfriend, it makes me laugh because it’s such a hot mess. Sounds like he has it ALLLL figured out. Good thing he quit therapy, I’m sure he didn’t need it anyhow! Lol!
Funny how he pulled the plug on things but in the long run I’m getting the better deal from it because I’m free of his nonsense!
Thanks for the update. I do want to correct one thing you said:
Originally Posted by 11dmnds
So, friends, I’m not divorce busting anymore. I don’t WANT the marriage back, with the amount of work he would have to do on himself to get right and then to heal the pain he has caused this year (boy 2020 has been a rough year) I just don’t think he has it in him to climb out of that hole. I don’t look at him with love anymore, I just think he is disgusting and a low life. I want to cut the cord and be done with him.
Believe it or not 11dmnds, in our situation moving on and being done with him IS DBing!! I wish more LBSs that have a WAS that is moved out and actively engaging in a PA could have the strength of character to shake the dust of their feet and move on. Do not be surprised if someday he comes a knocking because things with the idiot OW don't work out. It happens all the time.
More often then not the LBS at that point is not even open to the idea of Ring.
Originally Posted by 11dmnds
But I will say this, I hope I’m not discouraging to anyone here that is still fighting for their marriage, Divorce Busting has been such a help. It helped me reclaim my self worth and self power and get out of the vortex of his BS to see the reality of the situation. Rose colored glasses off, if you will. I love the message behind DB because it’s really about saving yourself. And for me, he doesn’t deserve me. Maybe one day he will realize it, maybe he won’t, but what is important is that I realize it.
THIS IS GOLD!!!! The ultimate point of DBing is to make you are better, stronger, happier, healthier person. If the WAS sees that in time to save the marriage, bonus. But DBing is successful because of what it does to and for the LBS......not because it always saves the MR!
Originally Posted by 11dmnds
And I’m okay. I’m okay moving forward with D and moving out and even okay about the girlfriend, it makes me laugh because it’s such a hot mess. Sounds like he has it ALLLL figured out. Good thing he quit therapy, I’m sure he didn’t need it anyhow! Lol!
The sad thing for the WASs is that they think they can find happiness in someone new. When in reality if they can't be happy by themselves they'll never be happy no matter how many people they try to find to fill that hole inside.
Originally Posted by 11dmnds
Funny how he pulled the plug on things but in the long run I’m getting the better deal from it because I’m free of his nonsense!
Kudos to you for the bright outlook and seeing the light! The truth is that you deserve so much more than a lying, cheating WAS! Now go out and have an awesome life!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Checking in again All moved into my apartment, what a world of difference it has made! Being out of the house that I was 'left behind' in, it really helps to release a lot of the negative/sad feelings. I told my IC that I wouldn't say I was depressed there but I feel so much better being in my own space and she said there is a thing called situational depression that could have been contributing to it. Here in my safe space there is no trace of H, I feel like a protective bubble is around me.
I've processed through most of the GF situation, it was very hurtful to find out about it but it just reminds me how terrible of an idea it is to jump into a new relationship. We haven't even started paperwork so any woman that is comfortable being in a relationship with H when he is married still, well sounds like they are cut from the same cloth lol. I would never dream of being in a relationship with a man that still had loose ends to clean up.
I want to be healed and emotionally healthy before I start a new relationship because I have a feeling I am a serial monogamist. I've only ever been in one serious relationship and that was with the person I was married to for two decades. I can't see myself wanting to start a relationship with someone that I didn't feel like I had long term potential with. So my goal is to make sure I'm okay and healed before I open myself up to that next person. And also, I need to learn who I am as an individual and not an extension of another person.
I've found myself detaching even more, I feel like he is texting me more lately and if it is in regard to kiddos I will respond but otherwise I'm choosing not to. He offered me up an item from the house today (because he moved back in when I moved out) and I decided not to respond. I want him to be fully aware that this choice he made of walking away doesn't means he doesn't get to have a relationship with me outside of coparenting.
I genuinely think that he thinks he gets to have his cake and eat it too, that I will be single forever and still take care of organizing and handling the stuff for the kiddos and he will get to run around and live his little best life. Not Plan B exactly but still be the person to be responsible for the things he doesn't want to be responsible for. I want him to understand the full depth of his actions, that you walked away from all facets of relationship with me. We aren't going to be friends and I don't have to hold up some end of a bargain that I didn't make to make him feel less guilty or feel better about the situation.
He had the nerve to say I was dragging my feet on the D after he asked me several times if I was going to file (I had ignored the previous times) and I said, "Are you asking me to file the divorce YOU asked for?" I was thinking, Buddy, its time to clean up your own mess, you wanted this, you have to work for it.
But with that said, I've seen it written in here before, I feel like I'm going to be the one pushing paperwork. Funny how things work out.
Looking for advice, I've practiced full NC unless it has to do with questions about kiddos and then I wait and respond short answers later. I want the message to come across that I don't live my life sitting around the phone waiting for a text from him. This weekend he sent me a happy birthday message that was passive aggressive and I ignored it.
Two days ago he sent me a message asking for my address again (I've already given it twice) and stating that he paid $xxxx for the paperwork to be filed and he thinks I should pay for half to be fair (No thank you, I'll pay my OWN lawyer to review said paperwork, I'm not going to help him pay for the D he asked for). And he said he wanted to pick up kiddo the next day and keep for two days because he couldn't take him over the weekend.
I was a little irritated because he has rearranged the visitation schedule (that he asked for!) two out of the two visits so far for him but as my friend pointed out, at least he was making an effort to see younger kiddo (he has largely been MIA since he moved out, I can count on one hand the number of times he spent time with kiddo since we started this whole thing. He made several excuses of course.)
I didn't reply to any of this because the last time he did pick up kiddo for visitation he stated he would pick him up at this time on Saturday and drop him off at this time on Sunday (and was late picking up and dropping off, lovely) So I expected a follow up text with times stated. Heard nothing throughout the day yesterday . . .
Until I did text him back to confront him about a shared account he overdrafted ("What happened with this?") and asked what time he was picking up younger kiddo. I got a sketchy answer back about the account, no mention of pickup, and snapped at about the lack of bidirectional communication (meaning, he is pissed that I ignore him when he texts me) I still assumed he was coming to get kiddo.
As yesterday was a work day, I expected a pickup in the evening. Younger kiddo and I packed a bag, set it by the door, and waited. And waited. And I took kiddo to the pool to distract him and I could see him checking each vehicle as it drove by to see if it was his dad. Oldest kiddo (who is sleeping at the house for now because he didn't want to move his stuff to my apartment with college around the corner, he will come over during the day and hang out but chooses to sleep in his room at the house) said H came home after work and was at the house when he (oldest) left to come see us.
Finally, I got a text that said (keep in mind I asked him earlier during the day what time he was coming to get kiddo with no response) that he wanted to get kiddo that morning and that was the reason why he texted me the day before and he would take the blame for not being more clear on that. (I didn't respond)
I knew he was lying and I thought to myself "Well if you are sitting at the house why don't you come pick him up now?" and then I realized the reason why was because H was heading to GF house instead. Sure enough, when oldest kiddo got back to the house that night, he said H was gone. (Side note, oldest kiddo is legally an adult now, but he spends most nights alone at the house because H isn't there. H is at GF house. It's not illegal that he is leaving oldest kiddo alone there all the time but it is in poor taste in my opinion. Oldest kiddo comes almost everyday and hangs out at the apartment and raids the fridge. H doesn't seem to have any interest in either of his kids anymore.)
Younger Kiddo was upset when it got dark, he said "Wow, Dad hasn't come by yet" and I replied "I'm not sure he is going to come, buddy" and he said "So we packed for nothing!" I went and picked up stuff to make banana splits to try to cheer him up.
My friend said I should say something to H about him bailing on kiddo. I was worried that if I said something last night that H would feel guilted into picking up kiddo and then be mean or snappy to him. I've heard him on Facetime snapping at kiddo for calling him while he was busy doing whatever and Kiddo just wanted to play a video game with him online. I can't protect my kids from who H has turned out to be and I also can't keep them from getting hurt from his actions but I also don't want to try to force him to spend time with them if he has no interest in doing so. I'll be discussing this this my IC as well and have almost wrapped up setting up the child therapist for younger kiddo.
So my two issues are, the lack of respect H has for my schedule by rearranging the visitation to suit his schedule (or being late for pickup and drop off) and the dilemma of holding his feet to the fire to actually show up for visitation and risk him taking it out on kiddo.
Anyone had a similar experience? At this point all I have done is annotated the times and lengths of visitation (and no shows) in case my lawyer needs it. Funny thing is he has childhood trauma from his dad bailing on him, he remembered sitting for hours waiting for dad to show and dad never came. Crazy that he doesn't see he is completing the cycle with his child now. That is where the child therapist is going to come in for my kiddo. And my role in being the stable parent who wants to spend time with both kiddos.
Anyone have any thoughts?
**One last bit, in recent sessions with IC, I finally realized that I had been controlling in the marriage because I was trying to make him into what I viewed as a better/worthy person. I was pushing back at the ways he treated me with no respect and was always nagging about how he should treat this person or that person and would fuss if he made bad choices. When we split up I kept saying to my IC how I was so surprised at what a selfish awful person he turned into and she finally got through to me that he has always been this selfish awful person and I was trying to control him to make him into what I viewed was a good person who did the right thing and treated people the right way.
Now that I have released that control I'm seeing the full view of the person he truly is and has always been. I also realized how much energy I invested in trying to have that life of the "right" person for me and the "right" marriage and that our core values don't line up. It's very freeing to release the reins and stop fighting against that.
As I said before, divorce busting was the path for me to take to fix myself rather than fix the marriage. I didn't even know I was unhappy until I got through to the other side and then I realized how simple happiness is. I still have more work to do to get him completely out of my head, I hope to eventually get to the point where he doesn't register strong emotion with me, but wow, there are a lot of days where he doesn't even exist in my head and it's not until I get a text message from him that I'm reminded that I have a crappy ex. Funny thing about those texts that I ignore, even though he is in deep with his GF I feel like he is testing to see how quickly I'll jump at a reply. Not sure if he is temp checking to see if I'm still hanging around hoping he will come home. I think its about his ego more than anything else, not that he actually wants be but he wants to be wanted by me. Sorry bud, that ship sailed.
I thought recently, if he ever did the work to try to come back to me could I take him back? I don't have faith that he can "fix" himself to magically have respect for me and value the things I bring to the table. But now with how he has hurt both kiddos I don't think I could ever truly forgive him. Screw me over, hurt me, treat me badly, but never my children. HIS children. I don't think I could ever scrape together enough respect for him after this for how low he has fallen in my eyes as a father.
