I think it is the right move not to respond or engage on the text. And kudos for you, honestly, to take the kids to see their grandparents. You're a great mom. Parenting three children on your own through everything that is happening in the world PLUS the basketcase of your H is super-hero level $hit.
How are things going outside of parenting and ignoring H? How are you focusing on you?
(((wooba))) sending love!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
How are things going outside of parenting and ignoring H? How are you focusing on you?
A lot is happening actually. I started a business with a friend. We share similar values and goals so we’re starting a thing together....not sure exactly where this is going yet but we are taking one step at a time to fine tune our business model. It is exciting, and we made our first sale recently. My friend is driven and has lots of ideas. I’m more laid back so I do feel this pressure of keeping up my pace. But it’s a good kind of pressure. I think I just need to get used to it.....I’ve been a sahm for too long that it feels extremely strange to put that much focus on my own thing instead of my children.
I am struggling a bit balancing it all, managing the children’s academic and psychological needs...the everyday mundane tasks of keeping the family running... my side job...my new business with my friend.....my workout... (recently I’m starting to learn aerial yoga), I feel absolutely burn out at the end of the day everyday. So honestly I have very little time to even think about H.
Sometimes I do feel lonely. I miss having a best friend to hang out with and share my day with after a long day. But I know this is probably going to be my life for the next 2-3 years. Even if we D, I wouldn’t even have the time and energy to date someone else.
I am falling asleep as I am typing this also.....It was a long day!
Just re-read my current thread. Gosh, a lot can happen in 3 months.
I don't have much to say about any feelings towards H at the moment. Standing for the M? Giving up on the M? to me my action would still be the same for right now - not filing D. I think about filing often, but my sole reason would be to "get it over with" and be able to just stop people from talking to me about H. But would it? I suspect it will not be as clean as I think it would be. Anyways, my point is I feel like there is no immediate need for me to be legally "not-married," and I do feel free already just from DBing...so no rush on my end.
Esp with what's happening around the world right now, BLM...covid...my M problems seem sort of inconsequential.
Still reminding myself to keep choosing kindness and compassion. Even if it's mixed with melancholy. I can usually sense it when I'm heading towards the dark side by now. I've processed through the dark side. No need to go back there.
that's about it for tonight. Tonight I am thinking about all the people here trying to push through their heartache...I hope you guys find peace and serenity. stay focused. stay strong. xoxo.
update. There is OW. Will get into it in a little bit.
I am not religious. But lately I've been seeing signs. Or have I chosen to see them? Many times when life presented me with something, I'd receive it and ponder. What does this mean? Why this, why now?
This morning I was thinking about my friendships. There is only one couple here in town that we hang out with as families regularly (pre-covid). Since our sitch happened, I've been avoiding her a little bit so I wouldn't get into a difficult situation of having to talk about H...making plans to hang out together etc. Our Hs work together also, so if she finds out then possibly the whole work place will know.
And there are other close friends whom I see regularly, but I just haven't divulged my situation to them yet. I know my biggest fear is not wanting the kids to be affected by gossip in case there is any. Although I trust these friends, I also believe that if you don't want a secret to get out, you simple don't tell ANYBODY. Another tiny part of not wanting to tell anyone is what vets have said - it will make it harder for the WAS to come back, because there would be more shame to overcome.
So I was thinking this morning, regarding my friend (the couple) - I value our friendship and I'd hate for it to let it die because I am afraid of what might happen. What am I protecting exactly? What am I losing out on? I want to live an authentic life. In my gut I know that I would like to do something to change the scenario. But how? when? I don't know. I just know I feel like I am bit ready to let things carry out on their own....his actions have consequences...and I shall no longer be the keeper of it all.
Later today, I ran into another good friend of mine. We started talking and she asked if H went on a recent trip I posted on FB with us, because she didn't see H in the pictures. Previously when H related Qs came up, I would brush it off or change the topic quickly. But today I did not. I paused for a second, and told her that H and I are separated. I filled her in a little bit. Then she told me that few weeks ago she saw H in the grocery store with a woman. She didn't say hi to him. It was during the day on a work day. I thanked her for letting me know.
I have imagined this scenario quite a few times in preparation. All the vets warned - there is always an OW. I didn't have the evidence, but I assumed to be so anyway. Even so, to hear the news of H with OW still stung a little. I could feel the anger and the betrayal once again. And most importantly the need for action - "what do I do now? Shouldn't I DO something with this anger and betrayal?" I asked myself.
But emotions settled rather quickly for me. Is this the illusion of action? What has changed in my sitch? nothing really. I have braced myself for OW already. I know what he's doing, it's textbook WAS/MLC stuff. running...running...running. And I've been nice to him, I even visited his parents. He must feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame right now. No wonder every time he comes over to see the kids it's like he always had to dash in and out. (sorry mind-reading here, I know).
It's my middle S's birthday today. H came over to say happy birthday and dropped off a present. And of course he totally overcompensated his absence by buying a very expensive one....at the same time trying to convince me that it was a right purchase. Well, he still did not look good. I just know that he is still off. But I surprised myself that I did not carry anger or resentment when we interacted.
So what now? For awhile I thought that the day I find out about OW will be the end of it. I will file for D. On one hand I scoff at the memory of him months ago saying "I don't want you using our[or did he say my?] money to date other guys!" when he wanted to separate the finances. Now he's using our money to date? ugh. and on the other hand this is all so ridiculous and predictable that I'm don't even feel like it's propelling me to file for D.
Why isn't it though? Am I waiting for A to burn out? Or am I just a big procrastinator when it comes to taking legal action?
so to go back to my first point.... is God showing me a path out?
First, wooba, congrats on starting a business with your friend! No matter what one's situation is in life, it seems to me that it is always difficult to balance kids, work, self-care, and all the rest, and I wonder if there is ever a perfect balance, or, even if that was achievable, if we would recognize it. Anyway, all that is to say it makes total sense to me that you're exhausted! It already sounds like you know you are doing your best and allowing yourself time to adjust to the new aspects of your life.
I admire your ability also to reflect after the OW news, which, as you write, is maybe not NEWS, but of course it still stings. Of course there are feelings of anger and betrayal. Yet, I think because you have done the work to get to this point, you can step back and remind yourself that it is not about you, still about him:
Originally Posted by wooba
And most importantly the need for action - "what do I do now? Shouldn't I DO something with this anger and betrayal?" I asked myself.
But emotions settled rather quickly for me. Is this the illusion of action? What has changed in my sitch? nothing really. I have braced myself for OW already. I know what he's doing, it's textbook WAS/MLC stuff. running...running...running.
You sound detached in such a healthy way. And then when H was over, you were surprised that you didn't feel that anger and resentment toward him. You recognized that he's probably feeling guilt and shame. That seems to me like compassionate indifference. Does it feel that way to you? I want to get to this place of strength! I think I'm there sometimes, but not all the time.
Originally Posted by wooba
So what now? For awhile I thought that the day I find out about OW will be the end of it. I will file for D. On one hand I scoff at the memory of him months ago saying "I don't want you using our[or did he say my?] money to date other guys!" when he wanted to separate the finances. Now he's using our money to date? ugh. and on the other hand this is all so ridiculous and predictable that I'm don't even feel like it's propelling me to file for D.
Why isn't it though? Am I waiting for A to burn out? Or am I just a big procrastinator when it comes to taking legal action?
Does it have to do with what you wrote above?
Originally Posted by wooba
Anyways, my point is I feel like there is no immediate need for me to be legally "not-married," and I do feel free already just from DBing...so no rush on my end.
Like you say here, what does glimpse of OW change? Just more running behavior from him, but you already seem to be in a place where you are focusing on yourself and your kids--you've been there for a while, I believe. You feel free already, and sound it. So why would this necessarily change things for you? I mean, it would be perfectly fine if it did, but I don't think you have to feel like something is wrong if it doesn't.
Are you already on the path out, regardless of D? Are you feeling like maybe this has all encouraged you to begin to reconnect with those friends you were thinking about?
Wooba, sorry about this development. But you're right, we all knew this was coming. We've seen this movie before.
In general I like the attitude you have. Do nothing rash. Don't give in to the illusion of action. Your sitch really hasn't changed.
However, you now need to sit down and decide what you want in life. Do you want to wait for a lying cheater and waste valuable time? Or are you ready to pull up stakes and head to higher, more fertile ground? Choice is yours. The power to choose is yours.
Last edited by Steve85; 07/01/2005:28 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Signs are an interesting thing. I'll tell you a really quick story-- my H was very religious his whole life. Up until a couple of years ago (no coincidence) he went to Mass every weekend, took the kids. I'm not religious at all-- we had to get all sorts of clearances to get married in the Church since I'm a non-baptized non-Christian-- and this has always been his thing. His parents are also vvvv religious. Now, he's stopped going unless absolutely necessary to keep D8 on her track for first communion/confirmation. I had thought it was because of moral discrepancies in behavior vs belief in many strongly religious people was his reason for not wanting to go. Maybe it is because he has a major sin on his conscience and feels badly taking communion when he knows he shouldn't. Who knows.
On Saturday, he told me he prayed to God to give him a sign of what to do. And Sunday morning my mom texted me to say that she's going to sell my grandmother's old house to the woman who has been renting it for the past two years. It is jointly owned between my brothers and me, and I've been trying to get my mom to sell it for awhile as I wanted to put the money away into the girls' 529 accounts-- that would be a wonderful legacy for my grandmother, for whom education was really, really important. But, my mom had trouble letting go. H always got annoyed about this whole situation. Anyway, my mom texts this to me, I show H, and we look up the estimated value of the house. I'd be getting a really significant amount of money. H says to me-- this is great. We can put it right into the girls' accounts and that will pay for X years of college. I said, I don't know that I'll be able to do that-- I might need the money for something else. He got quiet.
Later, he told me about praying for a sign, and that me getting that text and a good amount of the money I'd need to buy him out felt like the sign from God he was waiting for. I said, OK. Then he said, or this is what we need for us-- we could use the money to finish all the renovations on our house. I said nothing. Or, he said, we could secure the girls' college. I said nothing again. He was just swinging wildly, all over the place.
So... was this the sign he was waiting for? Was he ready for what it could say? Could it be interpreted either way? Is it just about how you choose to interpret it in that moment? I feel like it is an external nudge for you to examine where you are. Sometimes that is what it takes for your thoughts to crystallize... in that case, I feel like the sign can be meaningful as it illuminated what you were ready to know yourself, anyway. Other times, when you're not ready to see or hear that yet, it doesn't mean anything.
No answers for you, but I do think listening to yourself and not judging your response is important, the illusion of action and all that. I do like you connecting more with your friends and getting over the fear of sharing what is going on. You cannot live a stunted life because of the decisions your H has made.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
You recognized that he's probably feeling guilt and shame. That seems to me like compassionate indifference. Does it feel that way to you? I want to get to this place of strength! I think I'm there sometimes, but not all the time.
I am guessing that he feels guilty. But I also know I could be totally wrong. Regarding the compassionate indifference thing.....I still have to check myself often. I have to remind myself that choosing compassion is better *for me*. anger and hatred are poison. When those feelings come up, a memory of H yelling "Fck compassion!!" (a while back I asked him to have compassion for his mother when she was being unseasonable) would pop in my head, and set things straight for me. That moment was so ugly, and so telling of his inability to be kind - to others, but most importantly, to himself.
Originally Posted by may22
Later, he told me about praying for a sign, and that me getting that text and a good amount of the money I'd need to buy him out felt like the sign from God he was waiting for.
gosh may. I will refrain from calling your H names. I get more angry reading about your H's behavior than dealing with my own H. lol!!!
I think you're right about the sign reading. I am aware that I could totally just be seeing the signs that I wanna see. If it is peace, kindness, self-growth, and freedom that I seek, I would be more likely to choose those doors when they are presented to me. Another funny sign recently is that over the last few months things in our house have been breaking/not functioning. Things that we've owned since the beginning of our M. I chuckle at the idea that I am forced to make peace with letting go of these items as a practice to let go of my M. These things have sentimental values, but I know they are just things. Kind of like my M, I am feel sentimental....but I know the time is up.
Originally Posted by Steve85
However, you now need to sit down and decide what you want in life. Do you want to wait for a lying cheater and waste valuable time? Or are you ready to pull up stakes and head to higher, more fertile ground? Choice is yours. The power to choose is yours.
I am working through my residual fears of D. I am also working through my tendencies of just dragging things out. In my mind I set it the time to a year. I guess I have the whole summer to contemplate what my next moves are.
two years ago I came across this quote (another sign?!) and I decided to stick it on my frig. (translated) Clarify your emotions with a logical mind Operate your emotions with compassion Regulate your emotions with respect Lead your emotions with morals
