Summary - wife already filed for divorce, I am attempting a last resort. I admittedly have doubts about some of what I am doing. Particularly, how little communication there is. I had felt she was possibly softening before going more restrictive with my communication, and after nearly a week and a half, things definitely seem to have regressed IMO.
For me, initiating conversations (not relationship related) was more of a 180 as I have typically been more quiet and reserved, so a lot of this "detachment" to me, feels like doing more of the same.
It’s not uncommon for newbies to think what they are advised is just more of the same behavior. If you were just going through marriage troubles you would be advised to pursue her and open up more. Right now your marriage is in crisis mode. Your wife has filed for divorce. That’s a strong action on her part. Something she has thought about most likely for many years. The goal is to give her time and space to think about things without pressure. This also will give you the opportunity to detach from her which will make the transition to divorce easier if she follows through with it.
Certainly if you feel starting conversations with her is making her second guess herself then absolutely continue to do so as you see fit.
Ah..if only I could read her mind and determine if it just makes her friendlier, or actually gives her second thoughts. Someone needs to make an app for that.
Haha that app would be golden! Would probably destroy a lot of whats good in life though.
Anyway, fully agree with LH! Hang in there Captain!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I suppose if she is being friendly, it could just be her trying to be comfortable wiyh the situation she has created and avoid any guilt for her actions. And me being more available allows her to do that...instead of forcing her to confront the reality of her decisions.
Today has been okay, mostly stuck in the house as everything is cancelled. I am still not initiating any conversations, but did extend one a little (just a conversation about all the movies being postponed).
Really wishing she hadn't bought all these snacks. I'm doing okay, but it's torture not eating this stuff.
Not sure if I mentioned it before, and I am not sure it really matters for the sake of this discussion, but in case it helps to have an idea of her history, my wife has a poor example of marriage to draw from.
Her parents are married and still live in the same house, but have absolutely no relationship. It's so bad that her dad was not at our wedding, and her mom would not attens if her dad had been there. My wife has virtually no relationship with her dad. She takes him a sandwich on his birthday/father's day, but that's about it. If he calls, she is almost immediately trying to end the conversation.
I am not sure how long it has been lile this. At least as long as I habe known her, and according to her ex-husband, her relationship with her dad was like that back then too.
Really wishing she hadn't bought all these snacks. I'm doing okay, but it's torture not eating this stuff.
Instant gratification vs deferred gratification.
You know what instant gratification has got you. Keep up the hard work of deferred gratification.
Kinda counter intuitive not to eat what taste so good. Oreos were my go to. I now love low-glycemic carbs. Took awhile, but I feel much better at a lower weight.
You can't control what she buys, but you can control what you put ion your mouth, Same thing with DBing, you can't control what she does, but you can control your response and your behavior. Very hard to change you habits, impossible to change someone elses behavior.
I don't even know why I try to get people here to change.
I miss OZ.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I did send a text last night to her. Just a link to an article about San Francisco locking down because of the virus.
No conversation or anything came of it (unless you count a single reply as a conversation).
Fortunately, I am in a job that allows me to get out of the house and shouldn't be impacted much by the virus. But after that, there's not much else to do, or anywhere to go.
If the D should come about, how do you picture the relation with her? Would you continue to do the things you currently do (or want to do), or would you change? If so, how would that R look?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If the D should come about, how do you picture the relation with her? Would you continue to do the things you currently do (or want to do), or would you change? If so, how would that R look?
Do you mean, as far as GAL? Getting/staying in shape, doing the things I enjoy, and improving myself? I would definitely continue those things.
As far as picturing my relationship with her...that's more difficult. Faith and commitment to my vows is a big thing for me, and for me, the vows we took are the marriage, not a piece of paper from the government. So, in a way, for me, a legal D doesn't put an end to my vows. So, I don't see myself going out and trying to date anyone or anything.
The living situation is something to be figured out. We live in a fairly expensive county, and because of the logistics of taking our daughter back and forth, living in another county that my dollars will go a lot further in is not a realistic option for me. So, I need to figure out if I need to find a way to save up for awhile to get something nicer, or just get a place now with what I have that is not ideal.
I'm not sure how much our relationship would be that much different than it is now, unless she decides there's more to she wants it to be. Currently, it's pretty business like. 90%+ is strictly about our daughter and logistics of some sort. The rest that's unrelated is just casual conversation that doesn't get too involved. We haven't talked about our relationship in a while.
