When I wanted to end the relationship with my ex-wife I wanted to file for divorce a.s.a.p.--it took less than 48 hours from me telling a process server that was my desire to my ex-wife actually being served. It's mysterious how often WASs and LBSs spouses who *really want* a divorce take months to begin.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Protect yourself. He is not looking out for your best interest. Only you can do that.
Yes, her husband is a liar and has retained his own attorney (not a shared attorney) to protect his interests.
KitCat, it sounds like you've been through a divorce rodeo before. Your attorney will probably begin with financial discovery where your ex is required to list every asset and source of income he owns under penalty of perjury--a bit different than you asking, when he lie or omit things. Then they'll "ask" for 50% of all assets plus something like 33% of any income he makes beyond yours.
Retainer at atty paid today.... I HAVE NEVER BEEN THROUGH D BEFORE
I'm a mess so my mom who is currently several states away has stepped up to the plate and making the calls. Paperwork for Legal S is being started - probably not available until next week.
My anxiety is sky high... but have continued to remain calm in front of H... at least I feel that way.
CW you said anger was a form of attachment. I know he jumped into to this today because because he felt that I could not leave it alone yesterday when he was done. I just wanted to show him proof that I did tell about X password... had the text. Today he asked to see it so I showed it to him and he says he doesn't remember that conversation.
Anyway he is set on divorce and I said I was confused because last we talked he stated he would file for Legal S. He kept stating he didn't know why I wanted S instead of D that his free atty stated legal S was for those who might reconcile and he is wanting to be done and not reconcile.
It was a struggle but I tried to validate that I understand he thought he was done with everything but I really needed a cooling off period where he isn't talking to me and I am not talking to him. AND I WON'T LIE... I want him to have time to reconsider EVERYTHING. Not just the negatives he is focusing on right now.
He stated that me wanting Legal S is so I can control the situation. He sees it as me controlling him. I understand that one of my negatives is that he sees me as controlling everything... He feels imprisoned in this house right now.
He went and took a shower. We chatted a bit more. He said it would be 2-3 more weeks before he had the pension information so I'm asking why we are rushing. How can it be fair when I don't have all the numbers??? Is this an equal split??? He says he can't leave until he files??? I said leave now. He stated he had no place to go... he has no place for his stuff. I said take what you immediately need and leave. You can come back for the rest later.
I then replied to previous statements he made to me.
I stated ---- "I know you have felt screwed over in your first divorce and you are feeling screwed over right now. I do not want this. I am trying to hold it together but I know that if you want a divorce I cannont stop you. I do not feel that this is the answer to our problems but I cannot keep you here"
^^^^^^^ I pulled that from what was posted for me earlier in my thread... I'm learning and trying my best to apply.
He was petting cat when I said that and not looking at me. Not sure if he heard any of it or understood any of it as he didn't say a word back.
I told him he needed to go to bed. It's 2pm and he will likely NOT get himself up again for work...
Anyway back to a question I had earlier... he is speeding up things today because I made him angry yesterday. And, yesterday he was angry. And, you mentioned that anger was a form of attachment.
Today I suppose there is anger underneath... but when I look at him in the eyes... I don't see the face of the man who loved me. He looks dead... there is no emotion... IS THIS APATHY??? Is this my sign that he is done??? Not the anger he had yesterday???
I know you are shaking your head at me... and why I keep spinning.
It takes all my energy to be calm in front of my H.
I'm taking the steps to day to secure an atty and protect my assests and go after every dime he owes me.
I should not have gotten pulled in the crap he started yesterday and he felt he went to bed angry again.
I'm doing my best to remove my emotions and realize that he says one thing and then another. He is still convinced he can't leave because he has no place to go... he is still looking for houses and he owes me money and can't even pay the credit card bill... I told him I was upset that the bill didn't get paid. He should have come to me about how to get it paid but I let it alone.
I don’t know your entire story but in the last few posts I read it sounds like you treat him like a child. “You need to go to bed” “he should have come to me about how to cc paid”. Do you see how that is probably emasculating to him?
I don’t know your entire story but in the last few posts I read it sounds like you treat him like a child. “You need to go to bed” “he should have come to me about how to cc paid”. Do you see how that is probably emasculating to him?
Was this an issue throughout the marriage?
I do...
This is a man who can't get himself up to go to work and blames me for the reason he is up so late.
I have been seperating out his credit cards and typing a list of his usernames and passwords and websites for him. Removing myself as an authorized user... today he blasted at me. Who, uses X as a username??? Where does that come from??? Its not me - I wouldn't have that username. Its emasculating...
Yes, he feels it... he is running from it... yet he still can't get his butt out of bed for work... so what do I do????
I'm d*mned if I do and d*mned if I don't... he doesn't get to work it will be all my fault because he has the drive to do.
I'm deeply sorry to read your updates. Why does your husband need to go and buy a house for himself so quickly? Buying a house is a major long term decision. He's still living there with you and not even divorced yet. It seems like he's all over the place and not acting rationally.
I can see how his actions keep you on edge. I had a friend visiting this past weekend and it turns out her husband had an affair recently. I asked her what were the first signs? She said he started being mean to me. It's not just your husband but many people out there who become angry and blame their spouse when they're having an affair and want out of the marriage but they realize it's not so easy and there are consequences.
Sure it'd be great to walk away from a marriage as the victim, with sympathy from all, and without losing money or having to move but it doesn't work like that. I think you are witnessing your husband going through this process of feeling alive again and happy because he's having an affair and he loves how the OW makes him feel but on the other hand he's still married, with you, and he knows what he's doing is wrong and he can't just walk away without going through the divorce process and losing money. He's probably also cognizant of the fact that the affair may not work out. Perhaps one day everything is perfect with the other woman and he's sure she'll give him what you didn't (from his warped perspective). This boldens him and fuels his anger against you and makes him speed up the divorce but another day she might have doubts or hesitate with him or they have a fight and then he's not so sure about what he's doing. Then he warms up to you again or slows down the divorce.
The funny thing is how we're the ones who are left alone to sink or swim and these cheaters aren't brave enough to be on their own. They are so afraid of being alone they'll come running home if the affair doesn't work out yet they still resent you and they'll leave again when the opportunity arises. The problem is they only think of themselves.
It's so hard to discover these flaws in a person that you love and trust. It might even be possible that you didn't save your marriage two years ago because of your actions but because your husband had some affair going on behind-the scenes and it ended so he came back.
You could disengage from these anger fueled conversations that leave you feeling so awful. It just seems like torture for you to have to go through this day-after-day. All this uncertainty wondering when your husband will come home and what mood he'll be in. Then when he's not home you wonder what he's doing with this other woman. It's such a miserable feeling. It's so natural and normal for us to want to save our marriages but it seems there's just no chance when someone is in the early stages of a new affair. Perhaps your husband will keep doing everything he can to batter you down to make the divorce easier for himself and to blame you for everything but you don't have to play along.
As you recall in my situation I had to move away and start over. That may or may not be an option for you but it doesn't hurt to think about what kind of life you want for yourself if this doesn't work out. Also if you have a child you'll want to protect him and put his interests first. It's hard to think about these things when all you want to do is reconcile with your husband who you love. It's hard and it doesn't all happen in one day. I know the emotions you're feeling so well. I'm so sorry KitKat. Just believe from one cheated on person to another that you may not have been the best or most perfect wife but this is all happening because of your husband's decision to go outside of the marriage, not because of you. You could have done the same thing - you could have met a guy at work and started an affair and then blamed your husband for his shift work and for not meeting your needs. You didn't though because you know that's wrong. You stuck with your husband because you're loyal and you're committed to your marriage. Even if you weren't meeting his needs recently you were a loyal wife. Loyalty means something in this world. There's a lot to discover and learn as each day goes by and you're challenging yourself more than ever now. You didn't want this but when I read your updates I see your willingness to learn and force yourself to change even when it's not easy for you. You're doing your best. I hope your husband will be one of the few who wake up and realize what he's losing.
