Start with reading DR. It's the updated version of DB. Read about the Stop Sign technique in there, it will help you when you swing to the negative thoughts and think about your W and OM.
DB basics:
1. 180s 2. Detach - what she says and does doesn't affect you 3. GAL
I noticed you mentioned she "still" blames you. I think that is normal. My W still blames me and we are almost 2 years into this. Just be leader in this area. Learn to listen and validate instead of argue here.
This OM is a loser clearly. What do you do? I'd suggest being a great earner, dressing well, being mature and well spoken. You know, everything that a 27 year old basement dweller isn't. The OM in my sitch lived at mommy and daddy's and worked part time. I just worked harder and started earning more money and that helped me along. How do you know that she is going to meet OM's family?
I think you made a mistake moving out, financially and relationship wise. I don't know what the rules are here but I wouldn't want to be living in a rental while my W was out getting cozy with some 27 year old basement dweller and his family. I'd be willing to bet something happened on that trip. I imagine she has been bringing the OM along while she prepared to break the news to you - that's how this works usually.
Thanks for the reply ovrrnbw,
Yes from what I've read it seems to be the norm and I don't see her victim mentality lifting any time soon. I've been listening and validating the best I can.
Good advice on OM - I'm pretty much doing that! W meeting OMs family only came out when we were sorting out what nights I'd be having kids over. We do it on a week by week basis because of my work shifts. So we both wanted that night free but she said she had something important on that she couldn't cancel, so I pressed her on it (mistake I know). I think it's a birthday dinner she's been invited along to, so not just going for the sake of meeting his family, but guess that doesn't make any difference.
Yes I understand now that moving out was a bad move. The main reason was for our kids to have at little disruption as possible and I couldn't be there to take care of them with my work and shifts etc.
Chum, I really wish more men found their way here BEFORE they get browbeat into moving out, because moving out is such a weak move and makes your W lose even more respect for you. If a WAS wants out so bad then THEY should be the one to leave, not the LBS. So now your W is living it up in your home and is probably entertaining OM there as well. In fact if he's some deadbeat living with his parents then you can rest assured he's in your house every opportunity he gets. There have even been cases here where the WAS even moved the OM into the family home. But it's done and it sounds like you've already moved into a separate place. Very unfortunate but it is what it is.
Originally Posted by Chum
Then her reason changed to an incident two years back when I cheated. It was a one night thing which I am not proud of and we both had to get STI tested which added to the pain of it all. I honestly thought we got through that as we were very close as always, spent all of our time together and were talking about the future together. I fully accept this will be one of the things that contributed to her decision, but just found it strange it wasn’t mentioned initially.
Hard to say, she could be using it as an excuse to justify her actions, or she really could have been harboring resentment over it all this time. It's not at all unusual for a WAS to start checking out a year or two before the actual BD. So she may have never gotten past that. It is really hard to get trust back after cheating has happened.
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One night she was saying things like “if we do get back together it’ll have to be gradual” and “some couples have been through worse and come back stronger.” W then asked me if I’d be happy to see how it goes between us but live apart, to which I was very keen as I thought I’d just stay at my friends place a while longer while we sort things out. But, she asked me to get my own place so I could have the kids over so she could have her “freedom” and a break from the kids. I asked what “see how it goes” meant but W remained very vague but I remained hopeful.
She completely manipulated you. Her goal was to set up a safe place to have a fling with OM. The rest of it was just window dressing to sell the idea to you.
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It turns out she met OM a week later
My money says it was a month or two earlier. She's probably been engineering this for longer than you think.
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W’s emotions seem to have settled down a lot but still get the odd day when she gets angry and blames me for everything. This is usually when something is going wrong, such as the kids being ill and her having to deal with it on her own, or something else where I would’ve been there to take care of if we were still together. These bouts of anger are getting fewer and further between and W has even started to apologise for the hurtful things she's said and seems to have more respect for me.
That's good, doesn't mean she's interested in recon, that'll be well down the road. But first you've got to pave the way back with baby steps like this.
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Not sure if W meeting OM family means anything but I certainly felt upset about it. W sensed I was upset on phone and I did tell her it was because I still have strong feelings for her and it hurts when I think of her with an OM.
So you openly chat with W about her boyfriend? Don't do that. Don't have chummy chats with her at all. She fired you as husband, now she wants to hire you on as best friend while she has an affair. Don't do it, it's cake-eating. Convos should be brief and to the point, and businesslike. Someone here used to say "boys and bills".
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We don’t discuss our M very often only when W brings it up. This is the first time in around 5 months that she has shown that she cares about my feelings. I understand that guilt may be playing a big part here though, but feel it as a positive step? Maybe I’m just reading too much into things.
Yes she feels sorry for poor, pitiful you. You are just a sad little shell of a man that has lost the awesomeness that is her. Time to find your testicles again, start by looking in her purse ;-) Man up. Get out. GAL. She asks about your dating life? "No comment". She asks if you're OK in a little pity-filled baby voice? "I'm doing fantastic, was there something you needed because I've got to run shortly."
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I’ve not read DB or DR yest but may start with DR?
Yes DR is like an updated version of DB. You don't need to read both.
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I need to focus on detachment. Goal setting sounds really helpful as I’m struggling with motivation to GAL most days… that being said I’m in the best shape of my life and going to hit the gym later. I’ve stopped smoking this week and going to get out tonight so today is going to be a good day!
Fantastic! Keep that up!
Thanks AnotherStander,
Yeah I’m renting my own place at the moment. I know now that was a bad decision but it’s done now.
My gut tells me the cheating incident did play a big role and it’s very possible she didn’t get past it as was pretty much swept under the rug at the time. It just really confuses me that she didn’t mention it initially with the BD, only later when she grew tired of me trying to reason with her to work on the M. So I do feel to some extent it may be an excuse to solidify her decision, but I can’t argue with that either way.
No we don’t talk about OM usually and I certainly don’t bring it up. It was a moment of weakness I know, but I pressed her on “something important” she had planned when we were sorting out who was having kids that night.
Yes I need to grow a pair… they’re getting there! I am consistently upbeat, confident and positive and don’t tell her a thing about what I’m doing.
Went to pick kids up today and noticed a lovely framed photo of W and OM on the mantle. I didn't mention it to W but it did make me snigger... he ain't got much on me
So in a little over a week I've learned that Ws R with OM is not just a casual fling which I had hoped. With her meeting his family and seeing that today, I'm guessing it's only a matter of time before she introduces the kids. I'll need to mentally prepare for that.
to pick kids up today and noticed a lovely framed photo of W and OM on the mantle.
Wow how long has it been? That has to be gut wrenching..
It wasn't pleasant to say the least. I'm getting to the stage where nothing would surprise me now.
W has been seeing OM for around five months. It was all hush hush until just recently so it seems she is now looking at it as an 'official' relationship.
Chum, keep detaching. You need to get to a place where her crazy has no effect on you whatsoever.
Thanks, Steve. That’s where I want to be but understand it’s a process.
It’s been a frustrating few days as been feeling angry about the whole sitch again, but I don’t let it show to W. I think I’m doing alright then things like this photo just get to me. Two steps forwards and one step backwards it seems is true. W sent me a pic of kids earlier and said photo was in clear shot. I have a feeling this was no accident, but what does it matter… detach, detach, detach!
W called earlier to tell me that she introduced the kids to OM yesterday.
Convo went like this:
W - "Just wanted to tell you I introduced OM to the kids yesterday, just a quick hi and said he is my friend" M - "Okay" W - Awkward silence... M - "Great, fantastic!" W - "Why are you being sarcastic? I thought you'd appreciate the heads up so you don't hear it from the kids first" M - "Well D7 already mentioned that you told her she would be meeting your friend so I kinda knew you was planning to, but thanks for the heads up anyway" W - "Okay whatever" M - "Well you don't expect me to be happy about this do you?"
In her head we're done and she is moving on. I wanted to say things like how technically she's having an affair as we're still married but held back.
[quote=Chum]W called earlier to tell me that she introduced the kids to OM yesterday.
Convo went like this:
W - "Just wanted to tell you I introduced OM to the kids yesterday, just a quick hi and said he is my friend" M - "Okay" W - Awkward silence... M - "Great, fantastic!"Is there anything else? I need to run.
Don't do the passive/aggressive stuff. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy?
