Got a text from D14 today asking if she could stay home tomorrow. Um okay but it isn't up to me since she lives with H. She said he wanted her to ask me to see if I was okay with it. Made me laugh. So he's never home, barely parents, has NO idea what is going on with her and now wants to know if I'm okay with her staying home.
I'm hearing he's aged, still drinking heavily and is supposedly back working two full time jobs. At BD he called me selfish and said it was time for him to take care of himself for a change. Told me he had to drink just to be able to live with me. I had this vision of reduced hours (he worked a lot to avoid me he says), a new exercise routine and lots of salads in his new improved life. Boy was I wrong.
I'm afraid she will cut me off because it is a controlled substance. It's a low dose but in 12 days I cannot make it all day without them. I try. My goal is to take them (as needed) until after the support hearing.
I’m sorry I didn’t see this thread sooner but I assure you I read it all from page 1. I kept thinking to myself, I hope it’s not a benzodiazepine we are talking about here. You’ve now pretty much confirmed it is and that sets off big red lights and loud bells for me. I agree with the others you should not feel bad about taking medication including antidepressants. However this is far beyond an antidepressant. These things can take over and ruin your life. Your doctor can, should and better be very judicious with them - especially since it sounds like you are taking more than prescribed to “self medicate” it’s very easy to do - VERY. If you have a personal addiction history or even family history of addiction it’s yet another red flag.
Please be very very careful here. You will become physically dependent within a month - it could be more like a few weeks - although not likely from 30. Then with dependence you’ll need higher and higher doses to get the same effect you have now. This is very much like the pain pill, opioid crises we have. Benzo withdrawal is brutal and unlike opioids can be deadly. It is terrible to come off of and your anxiety with actually GREATLY increase as you come off them. I’ll bet you count the minutes until you can take your next pill then say to yourself, I’m only an hour early, I’ll just take it now - I need it to cope. That’s how it all starts. It really is a deal Witt he devil if taken for more than about one month.
All I’m saying is this is a really scary road to go down. You don't want to be saddled with an addiction to pills on top of everything else. Your doctor may be able to start you on some safer meds that can help. Just don’t fight her if she tries to limit you on these benzos. It really is in your best interest. Just google benzodiazepine addiction to see what I’m talking about and where my fear is based. I wish you all the best.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
All I’m saying is this is a really scary road to go down. You don't want to be saddled with an addiction to pills on top of everything else. Your doctor may be able to start you on some safer meds that can help. Just don’t fight her if she tries to limit you on these benzos. It really is in your best interest. Just google benzodiazepine addiction to see what I’m talking about and where my fear is based. I wish you all the best.
Yes it's a benzo which is why I'm terrified of it. The other meds she prescribed worked great until 9 days before court then I lost my ability to cope. I saw my dr (psych practitioner) today and she drug tested me so she's on it. She will absolutely cut me off if I start abusing them. I've got a long history with her so she trusts me.
I've taken .5mg daily for 16-19 days, didn't take it yesterday and I'm not counting the hours (I'm being VERY mindful of this). I want to FEEL the pain and work through this. This website is a blessing but I'm not mentally strong....yet.
I'm doing my best not to self destruct. I don't drink, not self medicating with men (was tempted early on), my only vice is junk food and caffeine. I go to bed on time, my house is picked up, laundry is done, cook most nights, doing well at work despite being yelled at. I'm in pain but I remind myself that this will pass. Please keep reminding me that this will get better.
Please keep reminding me that this will get better.
kas99,
It'll get a lot better, but unfortunately, it usually takes longer than we'd like. My approach to dealing with the pain was to stay busy from dawn 'til dusk. I had (and have) endless projects; the projects kept me busy and happy and increased the value of my house. That's a win-win-win.
Kas99, Doodler is right. It will get better, and not when we want, unfortunately. Junk food and caffeine if you need to, fine. Just get through a minute at a time if necessary.
There is life after this nightmare. I promise you.
Hang in there.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
It'll get a lot better, but unfortunately, it usually takes longer than we'd like. My approach to dealing with the pain was to stay busy from dawn 'til dusk. I had (and have) endless projects; the projects kept me busy and happy and increased the value of my house. That's a win-win-win.
I'm grateful for my overly busy life. When I get overwhelmed with all that I have to do I try to remind myself that this is a blessing. I remind myself that I wasn't happy before the BD either. Last night I was watching a funny show with D17 and for a moment imagined what life would be like if he had never left. He'd be annoyed with the show, be drinking, just an overall grouch. He had his happy moments of course when life went his way but it never lasted. He blamed me which I'm still struggling with but I'm in IC and I'm working through it.
However since he left I'm no longer shedding as much as before (long hair - everyone complained), I'm sleeping better, I'm laughing more, moments of joy, doesn't last of course but its real.
Kas99, Doodler is right. It will get better, and not when we want, unfortunately. Junk food and caffeine if you need to, fine. Just get through a minute at a time if necessary.
There is life after this nightmare. I promise you.
Hang in there.
Thank you. I vowed I'd clean up my diet once support was decided because I don't want to be a burden on my kids as I age. Today's lunch is cheese its, a brownie and Dr pepper. And Tylenol, everything hurts.
I manage a small but super busy office. 2 out on medical leave and 4 out sick. 2 have the flu so they've been out most of the week. One employee is sweet as can be but she makes so many mistakes. I work in a court so mistakes are kind of a big deal. Wrong money, wrong address, wrong name, lost files, wrong county, ugh. Had court today and 11 cases are all messed up and I have no idea how to fix them.
This will all pass but for now we're all feeling it. Court just ended so at least it's quieter now. Phones were ringing constantly and there are not enough people to answer them. At least I can breathe now.
Anybody into astrology? My psych nurse is unusual in a cool kinda way and she mentioned Mercury in retrograde when I chatted about how I felt cursed. I'd heard of it of course I just blew it off. She said her life felt cursed as well and she kinda believed and kinda didn't. Just now I looked up the dates and they do line up with when things started going south for me. Interesting.
I’m not really a believer in astrology, but when I was going through my divorce I used to read this one astrologer who used to be remarkably in sync with what was going on in my life at the time. At the beginning of the decade he published a ten year forecast for each sign. Mine said things would be pretty ok for the first half of the decade, but the latter half was going to be marked by a lot of difficult challenges. I didn’t think much about it at the time, but it turned out SO true! In the last five years I’ve dealt with a crazy boyfriend’s meltdown and betrayal, serious mental health and addiction issues in my adult kids, two deaths in the family, and a new boyfriend with stage 4 lung cancer! I guess I should have paid more attention!
