1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[Pommy99]

Hi may, thanks for checking in. Yes he’s gone. I felt ok last night. He actually came to the house, rang the doorbell rather than letting himself in. I made him stand on the doorstep whilst I ascertained what he wanted!! He’d come round to pick up his Amazon delivery. It was an ironing board. Couldn’t quite fathom out why he needed that at 9pm, it wasn’t as if he was just passing. Anyway we had a laugh and a joke about a few things (he said he wanted to take a framed photo of the kids so I asked if he wanted one of me as well!! He said he’d already hung a huge one of me over the mantelpiece!) Whatever happens, one thing that will always bond us is sense of humour and that we can laugh together in the worst times.

Today feels strange, in some ways it’s only like any other day that he is working away, but then I open the empty wardrobe and it feels so real. The kids are ok. He’s called them and made plans to see them today.

I’m in the middle of making a few small changes to the MBR. It feels good actually. I wouldn’t normally buy or change anything without planning it with him, but I’m going to make that room all mine now!!

[oceangrl]

Oh man. You are doing amazing. I felt the pain of your post about the last night. I feel like I do well, and then boom something like that happens and every ounce of pain comes out and it kills me to have him be so unemotional. I don't get it. Is it an ability men have that we don't? I don't know.

I wish I could hang out with you right now or talk. Sometimes it's so hard that we aren't allowed to communicate here in the outside world.

You are doing amazing at staying busy btw. I have had a hard time even getting out of bed. I keep getting sick I think due to the stress of it all. So seriously, be proud of how you are up and moving first thing in the morning. It's what I aspire to.

I am sorry. I hope you can find peace and comfort soon.

[may22]

Hang in there, Pommy. I hope you are able to get some peace in the space you have, now. And make that MBR yours!!!

I thought of you the other night and made myself a G&T! Used to be my go-to drink and now I haven't had them in awhile... I remember you having one at the pub to kill time before going home (at least I think that was you!) and so you were toasted from afar.

[Pommy99]

Thanks for the encouragement ladies. Day 3 and reality is starting to sink in. I feel really low today, and I’m now on enforced WFH so I can’t even escape the house and be with colleagues.

It’s starting to feel really painful. I had hoped I’d feel relief in some way that we had breathing space, but now I’m thinking of all the bad years of marriage, hearing him say even 3-4 weeks ago ILYB, knowing that he’s been needing to escape for a year or more, and feeling like there could never be any way back. I know it’s early days, and I need time to reflect and grow and act as if he’s never coming back. It’s hard to switch to that mentality, especially when the kids think or hope he’s coming back, because he told them he just needed some time on his own - made it sound like no big deal. I feel like if I resign myself to the fact he’s never coming back I am being negative, if I hold on to the thought he may come back, I’m being delusional and stopping myself from moving on. It’s hard to find the right mentality. But I really miss him. Even though I’ve seen him every day. Sunday night he dropped one daughter off and asked if he could come in and see the other. He kind of loitered a bit, and I knew he was fed up and not looking forward to going back to an empty house. Yesterday he came in twice, after taking the kids to the gym. I said he could make himself a coffee so he did, and we sat and chatted about the CV crisis. He had an awful day working from his house just on a poor 4g connection, said he felt demoralised and down. I guess it’s a big shock to him as well and we both need to get over those early feelings of the shock and fear of change before we can even begin to consider our emotions from a rational place. But right now I would have him back in a heartbeat...but then, I never wanted him to go did I.

OG I would love to hang out with you guys. We would all be so therapeutic for each other wouldn’t we! I’m thinking holidays on the west coast and trips around Europe, lol!! Or just a glass of wine and FaceTime would help right now!

Yes it was me who went for the g&t May! Thanks for toasting me! I’ve just been out at 8am and contributed to the panic buying by getting 6 bottles of wine. I’ve bought more wine in the last 10 days than I have toilet roll!

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

Just checking in to see how you are... have things settled down somewhat (besides the whole pandemic craziness)? How's the updated MBR look? Thinking of you!

M

[Pommy99]

Hey May , thanks for checking in!

So, separation week 1 complete. Have seen H every day except Weds. Him coming round, that is, I’ve not been to his new place. I can’t say I’ve been delighted to see him. So he’s witnessed that the MBR has changed, that the spare room is now my gym, that I have flowers in the house ( previously a no-go due to his allergies). He’s been a bit forlorn, trapped wfh in a house that’s not a home and no broadband/tv. His choice. H’s obsession/distraction is the gym. Now all gyms are closed . All the home gym stuff is with me :-) .

So we’ve been amicable all week and he has texted and called on numerous occasions. And I politely reply but not pursue. He has come round for something or other when he hasn’t needed to, dropped by to fill up the bird feeders etc.

Today we had a row. First up he came to collect the kids at 10 and I told them to be ready to leave as I didn’t want him in the house. He came in anyway, then announced he was just going to get himself a coffee before they left. I was like um, bye have a nice day,sorry coffee machine isn’t on at the moment. Later on, him and the kids turned up unannounced ( good job I wasn’t home with some new guy lol) . He waltzed in the house and started going through the kitchen cupboard. I said what do you think you are doing? He looked taken aback. He wanted fish sauce and genuinely believed that since he paid for half the house and bought half the shopping that he could do this. I explained that I was t questioning who had paid for what, but that this was not his home anymore , that he was effectively just the landlord. Could I come to his new rental anytime I please and search the cupboards? He sulked and went and sat in the car.

But this is a boundary I need to enforce. He didn’t want this home, he chose separaton and another house. His choice.

This week I’ve really been able to look at the last year from the outside in. I can now see how deceitful he was, how he permanently put “friendship” with OW above me and I really don’t like him and feel like he doesn’t deserve my generosity and kindness .

That said, he came round yesterday without his ring on and that hurt . It hurt more than I expected, but I still invited him in and said he could make coffee. he told me he’d had 2 job interviews and asked my opinion on what I thought. Today he has his ring on but I was really unaccommodating and pushed him away. But I think I have demonstrated I’m not plan b., that he walked away and with that he loses his rights to the niceties and convenience of the house he once called home

[wayfarer]

Thanks for the update my dear. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been doing. Sounds like strong and decisive. I think that’s the most optimal outcome here. Thinking of you (((pommy)))

[Pommy99]

Hi peeps I really need some advice. This whole C-19 stuff is causing a compete headf***. H is now alone in his rental, has been unable to travel to the city for work, and is obviously missing his other life. He came round on Sunday (Mother’s Day) and I invited him in because it was an amazing spring day and the house and garden looked so cool, and I just wanted him to remember what we built together. He asked me if I’d like to go cycling with him later that day. I said yes on the spur of the moment but was not really comfortable about it so declined later in the day. He asked how I was and I said all good . He said he was very up and down and was questioning (again) what he thinks he’s looking for, had been thinking about what’s important to him, and reflecting a lot, especially given the global crisis now. I just nodded and said it’s certainly a time for reflection. Since then he’s been calling, texting, asking me to go cycling, suggesting we have a bbq here tomorrow for daughters birthday, in fact asked if he could work from here tomorrow so we could all spend the day together. He’s called me to ask my opinion about a job offer

My anxiety is going through the roof. We are now in lockdown and there are just the 4 of us, albeit split over 2 houses a couple of miles apart. I get that he’s lonely and I don’t know whether to rebuff his efforts at spending time together because I don’t know his motives. I feel like it’s convenient for him to come here and make nice coffee, have a nice sunny spot to work jn, enjoy the garden etc. But because we are all in isolation should we just do what we can to support each other and be there ? I mean, he’s not going to die being in a house on his own, that was his choice.

What do I do? I’m being cold towards him today- not answered his two phone calls and politely declining the bike ride in reply to his text .

[AnotherStander]

Pommy, I think you're handling it well. You don't want to roll out the red carpet simply because he's bored and wants something to do. All signs point towards classic cake-eating on his part. Keep him at arm's length like you're doing. Keep it up and he'll start learning to miss you. Expect some big-time pursuit because he feels you slipping away as Plan B. If you give in to his pursuit and send him "I'm interested" signals then he will instantly distance and push you away again, because he'll be secure that you are still on as Plan B.

[Traveler]

Hi Pommy,

Love the strength--and that you're not allowing him the benefits of the marriage while he's chosen to step outside it. It sounds like he's getting a chance to miss you and is realizing he's lost something valuable. I haven't read enough to suggest what to do next, but well done, and hang in there. ((Hugs))