HI, moving over from sexual issues. brief recap-me 39 ex-39 1 child-daughter-12, m-14 years, d=3 years
Had affair moved in with OM, three years now. Deeply regret want I have done, told ex how sorry I am. Moving out soon from OM. Me and the ex do everything together. Had fight, says he only does this for daughter's sake. I feel like he wants to get back with me too, but not sure. I could be wasting my time.
For the past three weeks, I have eaten dinner every weekend. All three of us lately go biking together. Last week, after biking, he suggests that we all go to the movies, but daugter doesn't want to see the movie we want to so we don't go. He seems to have my daughter do the inviting. D calles me up asked if I had dinner, I say know and she says that dad wants to know if I would come over for dinner, so I go.
this past weekend, we all went biking at the Cape. If I try to talk about what his intentions are, he gets mad and I don't want to fight, so I droop it. Wed daughter tells me that dad and her are going to the Cape to go biking and that dad said I could come along. I told her that I am pretending that I don't hear this because if dad wants me to go, dad should invite me. Well, Thursday rolls around (I have my d on Tues and Thurs) and ex asks if daughter told me about the Cap, I said yes but that I didn't know how was inviting me, told me I didn't want to intrude on father daughter time and I said I would love to go. I tried explaing that I wanted to know if he wanted me to go or just pleasing daughter by having mom come and he just was like if you want to come be at the house for 7 a.m, sat. So Sat. we all went and had a wonderful time. the bike trail was killing me, all sun, but ex kept checking on me. then we spent the afternoon at the beach. ex dropped me and daughter off then he did more biking then he joined us on the beach. Took us to an awesome seafood restaurant then home. the next day daughter wants to go on another bike ride and I asked where she wanted to go, what time and she says I'll let you talk to dad, ex-says we are biking a 10 ile trail and when I come over bring my dog. Again another beautiful family weekend. He asks me to stay of dinner, but I told him no this time-to much laundry to do so off I went.
Does he want to get back together? Does he still love me and I have a chance? Is this all a cruel joke and when he finds a girl, there goes my weekends with him? Just being nice becasue I am the mother of his child? IM confused!!!
of course you're confused...of course he's confused...
keep in mind you left him...this return is by your intitiation no?
he may be having dd invite you so that he doesn't have to feel rejected if you say no.
he may just want to do family things together to regain a comfort level with you...being with the family is safe.
for now I would just sit back and accept that both ex and dd are inviting you...go when you can...if you are waiting for h to invite you alone to do something...I'd play along with things the way they are for now and eventually test the waters by asking him out alone to a movie..if by chance he assumes the invite is for dd too...you can accept that or simply say "it would be nice to spend some time alone with you...how about dinner or a movie"
it all takes time....the pieces of the puzzle have been strewn about...you'll find them with patience and determination.
I only have one other thing to add to this that LL didnt cover. I doubt that your X will open up as long as you are living with the OM. So get out there away from OM if you want a chance at this.
Welcome..ditto..if you want any chance of ever piecing your r back..you can't have any involvement with another man...just my 2 cents..and true as LL said..you left him...he is hurting..take it slow
I have to agree that it's all rather confusing! These sitches always are.
It DOES sound to me like your XH (when did you divorce?) wants you around, his behaviours say as much.
And you say the OM was a mistake and you want out of that regardless, right? Then I think that is your first move...hard as it is!!! You will have to go out on a limb and sever that R if there is any home for your R with your H.
Heck you'd do it ANYWAY right, as it was not the right move for you? I guess it would just seem much better from your H's POV if you left this guy without really knowing what your chances are with him.
This way he knows he's not just a "fall back", or something like that.
I know you're wanting to know what all this contact MEANS for your H...I wish I could tell you! I can say that I've rarely heard of x-spouses making such an effort to have time with their x, if there was NO interest there.
That's something, over time, you will have to clarify with him. Heck, HE may not even be sure right now! How can he be?
So, keep posting, keep listening to your heart...You've read DR? How about the five Love Languages? After the Affair??? All GREAT sources.
Welcome to the boards. You're insight into what made you walk away from your H and family for another man, (that apparently isn't all you'd hope he'd be)...would be a great help to the men on this board, whose wives walked away, in thier understanding and coming to terms with some of the thoughts and motivations that you felt justified your leaving your H and daughter.
In turn, they'd be able to offer you their insight as to how they're feeling and what they need to trust their WAW again. And give you tips on how to begin to rebuild trust and a new R with your XH.
Lostinlove--I know it takes time, but I wish I could just move back in. I am waitng for an apart. and now I have to spend all kinds of money for furniture, if he is interested, why doesn't he say something to me--get me a clue. Last Feb we had a big blow out and he said that he was still healing, I had suggested we go to therapy. Before that last year he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I believe in my heart that he still does, or he would not be doing what he has been doing. I just feel that I might be wasting me time. I have full range of his house, I have keys to house, his password on computer. I do spy once in a while, I can't help it. I guess I don't want any comptetion. He does call this girl once in a while but seems to be with me and daughter every weekend and we always all go to church together. I hope he is not leading me on--that would be cruel from me and my daughter!
I know-I have been on a list for low income housing for almost a year! The town that my d and ex live in is really small-not alot of rental proprty. Ex knows that I am hurting $, after the divorce, which has been three years, I lost my job of 16 yrs. due to downsizing. I went from making $20/hr to 9/hr--very hard! I gave my ex physical custody of daughter becasue I didn't want to take her from her school, she is doing extrememly well and her home. I am supposed to get an aprt. in Nov. for now I really and I am really don't have anywhere else to go-no girlfriends or relatives. I just hope it's not too late, after three years and all. but since we have been doing family things I think I might have a chance.
Hoping-just one question--since I left him, should I be the first one to make a move? Should I be the first one to ask him if we culd talk about getting back together or because he is hurting, I should wait for him to make the first move?
I doubt if he is leading you on,remember they don't do anything they don't want to.I know H isn't the WAS but you are going to have to DB him like he was.Has there been anything physical?I do know exactly what you feel like. My X and I have been spending every waking moment together for 6 months but i can't get her past this level.I got a little upset the other night and said something about I don't know how long I can play this game and maybe we should forget it.Well she said this isn't a game and came home to cook supper and hung out.So maybe you get them to the point that now they don't want to leave.She came over at lunch today and ate even though I had to leave.She at least feels comfortable.You will get there but you have to get away from OM.Maybe a letter would help telling him that you made the mistake and you love him that maybe you shouldn't move back in right now but would like to spend some nights there. he will get the idea.Flirt with him,go ater him like you were dateing.Dress up,make moves,ask him out
