Hi there, I've posted over in the newcomer's forum, but then I received my DR book and read the chapter on depression and then started on the MLC chapter and devoured it. That is my husband to a T (Plus the depression).
Every solution I would propose over the last year was met with issues.
Our biggest problem (other than affection) was my anxiety over letting our kids sleep out. He was out of town for a week hunting and I let the kids sleep at my mom's. This way I could cry and have my anxiety on my own (I was embarrassed) I thought he would be happy - he was mad because I did it when he was out of town.
He started changing his eating habits, going to the gym, buying new clothes, got a new truck. He always seems unhappy with our life, when this is the easiest our life has ever been.
Apparently we've never been happy.
He wants to go back to school.
I start IC tomorrow, he has had an initial consult for IC and will go back next week (he initiated it, not me) .
He has not told a soul that he asked me to separate. He wants to move out, and when I first offered to move to my mom's he almost looked scared. Then I rescinded the offer and he was calmer.
He is saving for his own apt (first and last - looking at about 3k + furniture) at a rate of $200 per month. We have a family vacation booked for Mar and he still wants us all to go (the kids know nothing at this stage).
He is hot and cold - will buy me things that I have told him are a message to me that he loves me, shows me funny videos, asks about my day, picks me up coffee, etc He's stepping in at bedtime to help with my oldest and asking me how I feel. (things he hasn't done in the last 6 months). But then remind me that he hasn't changed his mind.
His love language (IMO) is physical touch, so I can't do anything there.
I am going out, I am taking care of myself by working out, doing my hair, nails etc. I am remaining upbeat and positive in all my interactions with him. I am not pursuing him. I am validating without engaging in conversation when he comes to me about work issues. I'm trying to be a better person.
I am exhausted and mentally drained. I am heartbroken at the thought of losing my family, my husband, my home. I am losing weight because eating makes me sick to my stomach. I want to scream and throw things when my kids tell me how much they love our family.
He's so positive about how great this is going to work out because we both know how much it hurts kids when parents fight each other and I want to scream that it's going to hurt them when their family breaks apart, but I don't. I smile and say that it's true, it does hurt the kids more.
What do I do that I'm not doing? What should I say? Should I be flirting when he's being nice and sweet, or aloof? I'm almost 20 years out of the dating game and was very happy about that. I don't know how to act with my own husband. I can't lose my marriage.
Last edited by job; 01/28/2002:06 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi and welcome to the MLC forum Sorry for your pain
Sounds like you are doing all you can It is a waiting game at the beginning
They give lots of mixed messages because they are confused You will know and see more as the crises evolves you may see them staying out late buying new stuff, cars, motorcycles tattoos drugs/alcohol younger friends texting working out changing their hair color or clothing style
This is a crises is he around 40 years old? the crises is usually caused by unresolved childhood issues, so know it is not about you
You may want to seek Legal free advice Just to get the information if he does leave dont tell him you are doing this
I would say dont move from the home if he wants to separate...let him move
Watch the credit cards and even think about taking your name off all cards now because they do overspend...even if they once were good with money
My XH put all his cards in the minus and never paid them Im talking thousands and 10's of thousands of dollars he never paid them to this day the companies came after him My name was taken off early on so I was not liable
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
They give lots of mixed messages because they are confused You will know and see more as the crises evolves you may see them staying out late buying new stuff, cars, motorcycles tattoos drugs/alcohol younger friends texting working out changing their hair color or clothing style
This is a crises is he around 40 years old? the crises is usually caused by unresolved childhood issues, so know it is not about you
This is all so true. New truck, new clothing style, working out, trimmed his beard (not going to lie, that one made me happy)
He turned 40 last year and has his fair share of unresolved childhood issues and a history of family members dying young.
I am not leaving the home, and he has never suggested that I do (thankfully). I offered to move out with the kids to my mom's, and he was shocked. But I pulled that offer back within the same conversation.
We don't have any joint credit cards - he has a secondary card for my visa, but the card expires in 3 days and is pretty close to the limit so nothing he can do there. I just cut up the new card that came for him.
It is so hard not to try to help him through the confusion. I know it won't help and that I can't pursue, but I can't help wanting to. I GAL, I 180, I go to therapy, I smile and seem upbeat and positive all the time while dying on the inside.
It is so hard not to try to help him through the confusion. I know it won't help and that I can't pursue, but I can't help wanting to. I GAL, I 180, I go to therapy, I smile and seem upbeat and positive all the time while dying on the inside.
Hi, Cest_Moi. I just want to offer my support and say I know how hard it is to keep up the PMA sometimes. My friend gave me some advice when this situation started for me, and I've found it grounding: just focus on one hour at a time. Sometimes it feels like too much to focus on a whole day. Break it down smaller if you need to: thirty minutes, fifteen...
Cardinal's friend gave her some very sage advice. Take it one second at a time, one minute at a time, etc. Focus on today and allow the tomorrow to take care of itself.
A large majority of us that post are fixers. We want to fix our spouses and make things better, but unfortunately, they need to do this on their own. What has happened didn't just happen, it was years in the making and then one day, something triggered the crisis to begin the bubbling up to the surface. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. The only thing you can do is give him as much space and time to figure things out. This is your time to work on you and do the things that you may have set aside and never got around to doing.
To GAL, you do not have to leave your home. It could be that you take up a hobby and work on it at home. You can also find things to do outside the home...but most importantly...keep that focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is so hard not to try to help him through the confusion. I know it won't help and that I can't pursue, but I can't help wanting to. I GAL, I 180, I go to therapy, I smile and seem upbeat and positive all the time while dying on the inside.
Hi, Cest_Moi. I just want to offer my support and say I know how hard it is to keep up the PMA sometimes. My friend gave me some advice when this situation started for me, and I've found it grounding: just focus on one hour at a time. Sometimes it feels like too much to focus on a whole day. Break it down smaller if you need to: thirty minutes, fifteen...
It's funny, when I was struggling with breastfeeding my first, I told myself I would just do it for this feed, then just for today. Last night, walking down the hall, I started thinking about how much I would miss it if I was forced to sell. Then I stopped myself and said "Today is not the last day. Worry about it tomorrow." A little Scarlett O'Hara
Last night, walking down the hall, I started thinking about how much I would miss it if I was forced to sell. Then I stopped myself and said "Today is not the last day. Worry about it tomorrow."
Thanks for this reminder, Cest_Moi! I find myself doing this too, missing all kinds of things in advance, and I have gotten better about stopping myself in the moment. I need to keep this up.
I think I'm confusing the heck out of my H. He was taking the kids for supper then to swimming. At the last minute, he (surprisingly) invited me to join them for dinner. I declined, ate by myself at home and went to my volunteer hour. After, I told him I was going out (no details) but unbeknownst to him, none of my friends were available. I was going to go get a drink by myself, but I'm just not that brave/strong yet, so I went for a coffee by myself. After that, I went to Walmart and came home - 2 hours later than usual. He actually came upstairs to say hi and talk to me - he hasn't done that in 6 months! hahaha I'm not thinking by a long shot, that we are out of the woods, or that he's changed his mind, but maybe, just maybe I've got him thinking and I'm ok with that.
Question: Since all this (detachment, GAL, etc) is new to me, and I'm trying hard to do it right, if he asked me why I'm not talking to him as much, or going out more etc, how do I respond? Do I just say "You want a separation, so I am separating myself" ? Do I tell him that I know how he feels now and I'm not waiting at home, hoping he notices me? What do I do? How do I respond to it?
Cest_Moi- I think if my MLC H asked me that, I would probably say, “I am respecting your wishes to be left alone” . I’d like to know what others think, since this has never happened to me. I’m still new to this as well. PLC
