Hi all, my marriage is in a complete mess and I don’t know if we have reached the point of no return, or what to do next. 10 months ago we reached rock bottom after a few years of bad marriage (1 yr without sex). We went out to dinner to discuss breaking up and ended up in bed for 2 days, like old time lovers. However since then he has maintained that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me and finds sex awkward. I have tried to fix the marriage in that time, signing up for marriage fitness, reading hundreds of articles etc, being a better wife, GAL, whilst he has been non-commital because he doesn’t know if he wants to stay married. We have the most amazing friendship, share hobbies, holidays, date nights, etc but I am stuck in the friend zone. We hug, kiss, cuddle in bed, he holds my hand during the night, and he tells me he loves me deeply (but only as a friend) and that is it. I have stopped initiating sex due to wanting to take pressure off and also the pain of rejection. He did initiate it last week (because he knew I wanted to, but it was awkward and he said afterwards he feels no desire or passion). In the last 10 months I have told him that it was over and he pleaded not to end it; he’s told me numerous times he doesn’t see his feelings ever coming back and that it’s over, only to then call me an hour later to tell me he loves me but struggles with intimacy. 4 weeks ago I asked what he wanted to do and he said he’d decided he wanted to leave as he wanted to find romantic love and intense passion. But 6 hrs later asked for more time. Just before Xmas he booked himself in to see a therapist in the new year as he wants to understand why he feels the need to break up his marriage and family, plus he feels incredibly guilty about the devastation he will cause and there is also fear about what he stands to lose. In spite of his impending therapist appointment he still says he does not see a future for us, so last Monday I asked him to leave. He then said he wants to wait until he’s had therapy. I said perhaps he needs to do both. Since then he has taken no steps to leave. Yesterday he said we’ve always had a poor sexual connection ever since kids were born (15 years ago) and doesn’t see that will ever come back). Today he said he would consider marriage counselling. I know these are positive signs but we had counselling 2 years ago and it was disastrous and we stopped going as it was such a negative experience and I am fearful of it being more harmful as we are on the brink. I just can’t work out what the heck he wants - he won’t let me in but he won’t let me go. What do I do now? I am struggling to hold myself together with the constant uncertainty .
Last edited by job; 01/10/2008:24 PM. Reason: Changed Topic Line
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
In the last 10 months I have told him that it was over and he pleaded not to end it; he’s told me numerous times he doesn’t see his feelings ever coming back and that it’s over, only to then call me an hour later to tell me he loves me but struggles with intimacy. 4 weeks ago I asked what he wanted to do and he said he’d decided he wanted to leave as he wanted to find romantic love and intense passion. But 6 hrs later asked for more time. Just before Xmas he booked himself in to see a therapist in the new year as he wants to understand why he feels the need to break up his marriage and family, plus he feels incredibly guilty about the devastation he will cause and there is also fear about what he stands to lose. In spite of his impending therapist appointment he still says he does not see a future for us, so last Monday I asked him to leave. He then said he wants to wait until he’s had therapy. I said perhaps he needs to do both. Since then he has taken no steps to leave. Yesterday he said we’ve always had a poor sexual connection ever since kids were born (15 years ago) and doesn’t see that will ever come back). Today he said he would consider marriage counselling. I know these are positive signs but we had counselling 2 years ago and it was disastrous and we stopped going as it was such a negative experience and I am fearful of it being more harmful as we are on the brink. I just can’t work out what the heck he wants - he won’t let me in but he won’t let me go. What do I do now? I am struggling to hold myself together with the constant uncertainty .
I'm sorry you're here Pommy. The limbo, with its uncertainty and feelings of frustration and sadness are an immense challenge to face. My take from what I see here, is that he may have felt for some time that he was bottom of your priority list. Not saying thats true. It may be how he feels.
I see you pushing him when he's hurting, and when he's hurting you (ex. Telling him to leave). That'll only push him further, as he is punished for his feelings. If he was feeling undesired already, pushing him away for feeling unloved will reinforce his current mindstate.
There are a lot of positives signs in your sitch and I have hope for you. Ready2change has a good post in here with books to reference which will help you one way or another.
Limbo is hard, I struggle daily myself. The vets on here remind us to stay patient.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
Is it possible for love/sexual attraction to return after being missing? He says he stopped loving me/stopped trying in Nov 2018
Yes, from what I've seen on here and elsewhere as I searched for answers. Love fluctuates during marriages, at times you may not feel it for months or years. As far as sexual attraction, I'm sure many here would agree to GAL, and hit the gym, benefits are great physically and mentally.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Limbo is the gift of time. Most LBSs that take action to end limbo eventually come to regret it. The "if I only gave it more time" syndrome. So you need to be really sure you are ready to be D'd if you decide to make a move to end limbo. You will know when you are ready.
In the meantime, use limbo as a chance to GAL. To work on yourself (180s). And to work on detachment. I like the way that a certain bald Texan TV counselor says: earn your way out of your marriage. Most couples do not deal with the emotional baggage left from their marriage, and then are emotionally stuck even after the D is final.
#1 rule of DBing Pommy: Stop initiating R talks. If he does, listen and validate.
These are marathons, not sprints. The best way to fail at a marathon is to run it with a sprinter's mentality.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Is it possible for love/sexual attraction to return after being missing? He says he stopped loving me/stopped trying in Nov 2018
It can return, but often it doesn't until a long period of time apart. There's no "quick fix" unfortunately. I have 3 friends that reconciled with their spouses after long periods apart- 6 months, 2 years, and 10 years. All are exceedingly happy back together, in fact they all are happier than ever before. So yes, it happens.
Thank you, I have read a lot of those links and will continue. I
Is it possible for love/sexual attraction to return after being missing? He says he stopped loving me/stopped trying in Nov 2018
Pommy
My experience. My W said she wanted a D about 10 years ago and while she never gave me the ILYBNILWY speech, she made it clear that she didn't have the same feelings any more. After a time, it went from that to only "loving" me as a friend. But she was uncomfortable with any kinds of physical expressions from me. Luckily, it grew from that.
Last night me W and I were talking and she was saying how in love with me she still was. So yes. (Note: It didn't actually take 10 years, but it wasn't an overnight thing)
Thank you all for your replies. @Core I told him it was over last March because he was having an EA whilst working away from home every week and I overheard the most hurtful things said about me when he accidentally butt-dialled me whilst out with Her.. Bit of a knee-jerk reaction but I’d already uncovered so many lies about the EA that I couldn’t take any more of the weekly anxiety of not knowing what was going on with city life. He told me he’d end the EA to work on his marriage but fast-forward to Dec 2019 and I discovered that the EA had been reignited, At the same time he was saying he was leaving...then needed more time..then leaving again...then needed more time. More secrecy and lies have been uncovered over Xmas re the EA and that’s why I suggested he should leave. I can’t face 2020 being like 2019, him working away during the week and then enjoying home comforts every weekend with no emotional or physical attachment to worry about.
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
OMG. Pommy! We are sisters!! I am in almost the EXACT SAME SITUATION and my H has said the EXACT same things to me. (But I found out a week ago that it wasn't just an EA, it was a PA and has been going on for two years!!)
Do you want to read through my thread(s) (sorry, mine are kinda long... you can probably just read the recap on the first page of each to get a sense of where we are) and we can chat? Mine also won't leave and wants therapy, but also doesn't want to give AP up.
Keep your chin up! You got this. There is a wonderful community here.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Hi May I would love to read your threads. I’m sorry you are going through this too. My H is adamant there has been no PA but I’m now doubting everything he says. His therapist told him he can’t be emotionally available to two people and if he wants to fix things she has to go but the T warned him it might feel like a bereavement. He said on Monday he will break all contact but I don’t know whether to wait for him to tell me that he’s done it, or to ask him if/ when he’s done it or going to do it. He told me she no longer works in the city and they haven’t seen each other for several months but I don’t know what to believe. As he is away right now I am in turmoil! Do I need to know full details of the past or should I just focus on going forward?
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
