Really need some advice. Married 3.5yr, had a terrible 2019, me being super busy with work, close family illnesses both of which have disrupted the amount of time we've spent together. W also made a career move that didn’t work out (and I didn’t approve of and didn’t really support). All the above have led to W spending a lot of time seeing friends and getting fulfilment outside the M. W said she wasn’t happy twice during the year which we v briefly discussed and was put down to hormones and feeling worn out due to all the above.
BD was 1 month ago when I asked her whether she was happy because she’s spending a lot of time with friends and she was making plans before we could make plans together. W moved out to her mum’s for some space (I think partially motivated by a friend who’s done similar). My reaction as a LBH was to analyse all the horrible and neglectful behaviour I’ve shown her this year (some of which I’m quite ashamed) and work on improving myself including being more loving, watching and reading marriage advice, gym, tidy house, better work/life balance, better lifestyle, DIY etc. 180 in many areas. W hasn’t really changed at all - still busy all the time with friends although she is working on that. There’s one particular male friend I don’t trust she’s been getting close to that makes me jealous which I try not to admit. I don’t think she’d cheat though - no A but could argue friends are EA.
We chat daily over message and she comes over a few times a week (sometimes includes hugging, cuddling, napping together, playing with her hair (I know!)) but nothing more physical. I suggested she wasn't trying to R but W says she has been spending time with me and trying to R and get the spark back. She says she still loves me and attracted but there’s something missing. We’ve talked a lot and I’ve asked several times for her to move back to work on the M (I know). She says it doesn’t feel right and she even said she has no logic right now, only emotions. Both love each other a lot. She says she doesn’t want me to put my life on hold for her. Last conversation felt quite final where she told me what a great guy I am etc. almost as if she's letting me go.
I’ve read a lot of posts on here and think I understand most of the strategies. Is my W a WW? (I think she is and has enjoyed space and autonomy without pleasing people) Should I be detaching myself? Is there a risk she would move on if I detach? Should she move back in and under what circumstances? We txt daily - should I stall on that/reply with the minimum or be exciting and fun showing how I’m GAL? Should I be spending time with her when she asks? Should I be fun and interesting when in her company - like the 'dating me' was? I’m GAL and becoming a better person. I do feel leaning away will help.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think you most likely have a wayward on your hands as you most likely haven’t been married long enough for a walk away. Your gut is right 90% of the time so my guess is she’s cheating with the gentleman you suspect.
She’s getting her needs met with both of you. Connection and uncertainty with him and certainty with you. I would stop the cuddling and playing with her hair (seriously) and don’t be available all the time. Don’t be exciting and fun around her but be miserable and mopey as that’s more attractive (JK). How old are the two of you? Assuming no children?
Thanks LH19. No children, both 30s. I was sceptical at first of her being a WW but she seems classic symptoms. Fallen into the classic traps I think but better understanding of what I'm doing now. She's very morally minded, supportive of me and has been very upset about the whole thing but as you say difficult to tell when the emotions take over.
Confused about judging 'tough love' replying to messages with simple answers and detaching vs being fun and exciting in my replies getting her attention and show how I'm desirable to be around.
Well O if I had a nickel for every moral minded person who cheated I would never work again
Yep. Logic and reason would say stay and work it out with hubby. Emotions say otherwise. When decisions are made based on emotions there are bound to be consequences.
You need to step back and allow her to come to you. Only text her in an emergency. If she texts you, wait an hour or so before you reply or even longer. She needs to realize that you are busy and not sitting on that phone waiting for her call/text.
The best way to get her attention is to live your life to the fullest. Get out there and GAL. Be the man were when she met you. If you think that there are things that you need to change about yourself, now is the time to do it and do it for YOU, not your wife.
She can't miss you if you are available and texting, etc....give her lots of space and time. Be mysterious. You do not need to tell her everything you are doing. For example, if she asks you to come over, tell her that you are busy, but you could make the trip another evening.
Read the links that I posted. They will help you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It makes me wonder whether the possibility of an OM is the reason why W doesn’t want to come home. Don’t think I’d thought about it too seriously before LH19 put it like that. I’d like to think it’s nothing more than an EA
Stepped back. W says she misses me and is confused. She said she's trying to get her head straight. Should I raise the topic of the OM at some point? I feel I want to play it cool and keep detaching letting her figure out things for herself.
