Hi. Total newbie here. Just waiting for the book and looked at posts.
We weren’t married but lived together for 4 years. Total together 5. He was a father figure to my two kids. No affairs. Nothing too awful. But he felt I wasn’t supportive and we argued too much so when I over reacted and pushed him awayagain and said leave, he left. It has been a year. I’ve tried another coach since May but I keep reaching out. He will respond but If relationship talk he will ignore. He has said "been too long, everyone knows, feelings not there anymore" (used to be “feelings so strong don’t know what to do”). So total different person. I’ve learned my mistakes and want to get back together and start anew, do it right but he isn’t open to it...We did have lots of good times and lots of love but I feel there is a wall and he definitely isn't treating me as well as he used to.
Where do I begin with this new process that is taught by this program? Are expensive coaching sessions helpful? The other coach told me to stay friends and be open to a new relationship with someone new.
I have a hard time letting go....thank you for any information, direction, lessons.
Last edited by job; 12/20/1907:05 PM. Reason: Removed reference name to another site that is not related to DB
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you. I have looked at these. Looking for suggestions how to proceed...reach out or not reach out...what if too much distance will just help him find a new person...do I give up like everyone around me says (not easy for me though for some reason)...
Not sure if I can relate because I have only been separated 2 months but I definitely want R and every time I have tried to talk about us I set W on fire and there is yelling. It is the worst feeling thinking there is love left in their heart and all you want is a new blank sheet to prove you can be the person they need. My W is a totally different person as when I talk about children. Anyway, all I can recommend is to give both your H and my W a good dose of GAL. Following an external reference that recommends PIES here is what I have been doing:
P - Physical: > New clothes > new haircut? > Excercise, lose weight > Eat healthy, new cologne > Walk more often > travel and have fun alone
I - Intellectual: > Read on topics that attract you > Visit museums > Talk to people at work, learn from them > Play an instrument - I am learning piano
E - Emotional: > Become a better listener, practice with everyone > go out with friends, make new friends > practice validation of feelings > Read about R, MR and books like "The 5 love languages"
S - Spiritual > Meditate > Reconnect with humanitarian help > go back to church or similar > volunteer with elderly people, refugees or children
Following the idea that we can only control ourselves, all we can do is turn into that best version of us and stick to our values. Since you are here I am sure you have strong values, I consider myself the same. Then we will be ready for the world to throw us anything that is to come, be that D and a new painful start or the best of the R ever seen.
Last edited by Paco_19; 12/20/1910:56 AM.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
Thank you. I have looked at these. Looking for suggestions how to proceed...reach out or not reach out...what if too much distance will just help him find a new person...do I give up like everyone around me says (not easy for me though for some reason)...
Whenever you reach out he sees that as you being needy and desperate to get back together, and that is not at all attractive. He's got to learn to miss you before he will want you back. If you suddenly quit contacting him and start enjoying life and possibly dating others if that's what you eventually want, then he will suddenly see you as higher value and he will find that attractive. Time and space is what he needs.
Thank you. I have heard of PIES. I have always been at least somewhat active so most changes I need to make are in myself: feeling more secure, be able to detach. I really appreciate your suggestions. I am printing them out to have as a reminder. Thank you again.
I followed a Bootcamp that suggested to keep connected otherwise distance only grows. Mostly it suggested daily one minute or less message, a fun frivolous one. Do I not reach out at all? What if he starts dating someone else and that's how we totally grow apart as if we didn't have 5 years together...I do see how reaching out daily might be too much...I just need to learn to detach and having a hard time with that. I am an over thinker and prone to feeling anxious...Thank you.
Last edited by job; 12/20/1907:06 PM. Reason: Removed reference name to another site that is not related to DB
Another question...has anyone done coaching? What coach did you like the best? Is it helpful? I have paid another coach and his last suggestion was to be a friend to my former SO but to be open to another relationship. I want my former SO to remember all the good we did share. It seems there is a wall and he is CHOOSING to be cold and distant. If he remembered and concentrated on the good we did have, we'd be able to build a beautiful relationship, I believe.
Last edited by job; 12/20/1907:07 PM. Reason: Removed reference name to another site that is not related to DB
You are a newbie, so I will share one of the rules that we adhere to around here. When we register to post here, we agree to not reference other sites that are related to marriages/relationships. I have removed the reference of another site in your postings.
Since this forum goes hand in hand with the Coaching, books, etc., then you have the option of purchasing coaching sessions here. We do not recommend outside coaching for marital issues to the posters unless the coaching is directly related to this DB site.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Have you visited any of the other threads that are on the forum? There is one that I am pasting in that may help you better understand what you should/should not do. Sandi is a very intelligent young lady who is spot on w/her advice and she's a straight shooter. Here is the link to her thread:
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
