Friendsgiving went well... went out of town to visit a friend, and slept on a couch for 4 days. Happy to be home, but going on a much longer trip again this weekend.
WW e-mailed yesterday saying she lost her cell phone while on her work trip, and needed some information from the joint plan to replace the phone. Thought about replying with the tough sh*t route, go figure it out yourself or get a plan with OM. But felt like that would have just escalated the situation / tension. I did end up helping her with the necessary information.
Some reflections / thoughts so far...
Been reading thru some of the older threads by other folks, I'm envious of people who busted the affair via exposure. I keep thinking I should have exposed to OMW, even though OM is now getting a D anyways. I'm envious couples with live-in situations where there are opportunities to DB on a daily basis. I feel like right now we have so limited interaction, seems like occasional text every 2-3 weeks now, it all seems like it's just slowly fading away.
Was wondering maybe I should have let WW move back in when she mentioned it 4 weeks after moving out (it's 10 weeks now), but I really needed to gain back some respect and provide my non-negotiable boundaries at the time, since I had been a doormat up until that point.
Maybe I'm bartering again, or forgetting how painful it was everyday listening to lies and her not coming home some nights. I wish I would have discovered DB and 180s earlier, rather than making the situation worse for 2 months after BD.
Question...
I believe WW is going on a trip with her family later in Dec. As I mentioned earlier, her parents are aware of the initial discovery of the affair and text. Her parents are pro-marriage and upon discovery were sympathetic as they would ask me if I was okay and hugged me.
However, I have not spoken with them in 10+ weeks, and I assume they are now aware of the situation escalating since I skipped family functions over the holidays. I was debating whether to meet up with them to update them on the situation, and let them know where I stand so they don't think I am abandoning the MR. My concern is that it will travel back to WW, and it comes off as pursuit.
Thoughts on whether I should talk to the parents?
Should I have said tough sh*t to the cell phone ordeal?
No don't discuss it with them, they will absolutely side with her no matter how strong you think your relationship with them is. "Blood is thicker than water" absolutely applies. Many LBS's have thought they had helpful in-laws only to get blind-sided later. It's fine to remain friendly with them, but no R talk. If they bring it up then just say the two of you are taking some time to sort things out and leave it at that.
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Should I have said tough sh*t to the cell phone ordeal?
If you refused to help then she would probably see it as you being petty/ vindictive. Helping her doesn't really help your sitch, but not helping her may hurt your sitch. I see things like this as kind of neutral, just make sure that if/ when you help her you do it with no expectations.
You’re operating under the “illusion of action” where you still think doing something or something different is going to change your situation around. It doesn’t work that way. Time and space.
No don't discuss it with them, they will absolutely side with her no matter how strong you think your relationship with them is. "Blood is thicker than water" absolutely applies. Many LBS's have thought they had helpful in-laws only to get blind-sided later. It's fine to remain friendly with them, but no R talk. If they bring it up then just say the two of you are taking some time to sort things out and leave it at that. ...
I absolutely understand that they will side with her, and my relationship isn't that strong with in-laws. My thinking was to clarify our situation in that I did not choose for WW to move out, and that I'm standing for the MR and not abandoning it. I guess not filing for D would already indicate that from my end. I would have to intentionally reach out to talk to them, otherwise there's no chance of me interacting with them.
I'm envious of people who busted the affair via exposure. I keep thinking I should have exposed to OMW, even though OM is now getting a D anyways. I'm envious couples with live-in situations where there are opportunities to DB on a daily basis. I feel like right now we have so limited interaction, seems like occasional text every 2-3 weeks now, it all seems like it's just slowly fading away.
Sandi2 is a big believer in busting affairs right out of the box, though not by "exposing" (which carries risks of being ineffective or looking "weak", especially if you create "boundaries" you cant enforce, of creating an "us against the world" mentality, and of "burning bridges" rather than "keeping the road home paved smooth.") I believe her take is that if most LBH's, when FIRST faced with BD, said "I am not going to share my W or live in an open marriage, get out now, you hussy" (in other words, effectively dropping a bomb of their own) the timeline for recovery of the WW would be somewhat to substantially shortened. At some point they need to feel the shock and sting of loss, sooner or later. For my own part, I am a believer in several things regarding affairs: 1) No work can be done on reconciling or repairing the MR as long as OM is anywhere in the picture. 2) While ending the affair is a condition precedent, it is not sufficient in and of itself to lead to reconciliation (you both will have work to do in that regard on the issues that led to marital damage prior to the affair) 3) Affairs are easier to end the less involved they are-- Inappropriate friendships are more easily broken off than emotional affairs, Emotional affairs are more easily broken off than physical affairs (some will challenge this, but it is based on science-- physical skin to skin contact releases oxytocin, also called the "bonding hormone"). As such, you should take whatever action you appropriately can, as soon as you can, to set and enforce your boundaries and, if you take the more aggressive route, of exposing or threatening to expose the adulterers. My own situation ended up in reconcilliation, but i did NOT get off to a great start-- didn't set boundaries, enabled her affair, etc-- and, as a result, what had started out as an inappropriate friendship with oversharing and only a borderline EA, became a full fledged "I want to jump on you and run away with you" limerance-ridden "Ive found my soulmate" EA and, possibly (though i never found out for sure) PA. I am convinced, and you will never change my mind, that if i had taken stronger action at BD, either in terms of my own boundaries or in terms of confronting/exposing OM (and i had several unique levers available to me had i chosen to use them), that at least THAT affair (and admittedly a WW can always find other APs) would have been headed off and, possibly the timeline for our own reconciliation advanced.
OTOH, since we werent' even friends at that point she may have just told me to "Eff off" and walked out straight into his arms. Impossible to say, really, though i got to watch her evolution, firsthand, and you could see the effect the progression of the affair had on her and, by extension, on our initial forays into reconciliation.
As to being in the same house and having the opportunity for interaction and witnessing of your DB-ing, it is really hard to say what is best. In my own sitch, it worked out very well-- mabye the only way it COULD have worked out well-- for us to be cohabitating for the bulk of that time. However, at the end of the day, some level of detachment and, yes, separation seems to always be required to get over the hump. In my case, I did a fair job of detachment later on in the process and, ultimately, our full separation lasted only two weeks... but, brief as it was, it was definitely a required step on our path to reuniting. There are a few situations like mine where some degree of cohabitation worked out or was even on some level beneficial, but you will not find a single situation on here (except maybe Sandi2s) that didn't involve some period of true separation, always at least emotional, and, in almost all cases, physical.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Downloaded and read Love Must Be Tough yesterday, and finished reading most of it today, since I keep seeing it being referenced in threads here. Seems to reiterate all the same stuff here about tough love, which makes me feel better about not jumping on the opportunity to have her move back in when my non-negotiables boundaries were clearly not met. Also starting to get a better grasp of the balance of being cold vs tough love / detach.
About to get ready to go on a 3-week trip out of country starting this weekend, so nothing will happen between now and then.
I think what happened was that I read these old threads with a lot of daily interactions, and I get envious of the small positives they get from DB, but then when you get to the end of the threads, the final outcome is often no better :P
