Ok thanks. I hope I’m not too frustrating to you guys lol. I’m not specifically worried about recon. Just trying to understand the ins and outs of it all.
Your definition of detached is I just tell W to take a flying leap and never look back with 0 chance of recon
White = Weak man, behavior with low value = Actively Pursuing, begging, crying, blaming etc
Black = Telling her to take flying F.
We are telling you to be someplace in the grey. Maybe darker grey. Show strong confident high value male behavior. This is learned behavior. In the future, you may have to go lighter grey. The key is the ability to read a sitch and adjust as needed.
How many women have you interacted with this week that found you attractive? I bet zero? How many woman have you found attractive? I bet there were many. You did not even have to interact with them to find them attractive. Us guys are very visual. Woman are attracted to a guys behavior. Same thing, there are areas of grey in the two extremes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hi, quite a lot of changes in the 4 days since last post. Things remained really frosty between us over the weekend until I received a call from W in the evening. Never heard her so distraught, Our d6 had mentioned some things that really triggered my W's childhood trauma from abuse.
She asked me to come over immediately which I did, comforted her, gave her a hug while she told me what had happened.wont give any details but it was really traumatic and she needed me to hear and believe her, which I did without question, trust in her as a mother is unshakeable.
I stayed the night and have continued to stay to provide support to her and the kids as we have worked through the issues. We have decided to put family therapy in place, drop the hostility and focus on the kids,
Over the last 4 days my w has initiated several talks about our relationship, her experience and how unhappy she was, her distrust, the neglect ,lack of intimacy and emotional abuse.
I have never validated so much, hearing her and hearing her, her guard has understandably gone up and down through the conversations , ive made a few mistakes with my responses as its been really emotionally challenging hearing how she felt, she has remained very clear she is happier now and is very mindful of me working on her or manipulating her back into a relationship, she has admitted she must have loved me but remains staunch that we will never reconcile. She said she wanted me to forgive myself and work on my own happiness.
I made a mistake by admitting I wasn't there yet with letting go. but most importantly there is a flicker of trust back. She expects me to return to the flat tomorrow.
The two of us will attend family counselling just the 2 of us for 1st few sessions. She has invited me to stay for Christmas and a walk this Sunday.
No expectations, she knows I love her but understandably doesn't trust I wouldn't lose the changes if back together. She repeats " my love for myself is stronger than my love for anyone else and she won't compromise herself for anyone else anymore"
Obviously these statements all really hurt and we have all shown our vulnerability and fragility through this situation with d6. I have shared details of my abuse change programme.
I fully expect her walls to go back up anytime but this has felt like a much healthier few days. Really tough being back in the house around her, inside I'm really pineing for her.
But it's some movement, have to tread very carefully
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Maybe I’m still not understanding the difference between not caring and detachment. If she would have said no it wouldn’t have bothered me. I just thought it would be nice to extend an invite
She fired you as H. She's been completely unsupportive and even dismissive of you through your battle with the big C. Why would you want to go anywhere with her? Think of the most bada$$ alpha male you can think of, even if it's not a real person, IE, Arnold as Conan the Barbarian. Let's say Conan has a girlfriend and she suddenly tells him she's done and doesn't love him or want to be with him anymore. What would Conan do? Would he beg and plead and invite her to parties? No he would smirk and walk out the door and probably be in another woman's bed by the next night. I'm not saying to get out there and sleep around, but asking her to that party is pursuit behavior, and just because she said yes doesn't make it OK to pursue.
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It just makes me feel like a bad person that I might not want to recon
Steve uses a work analogy sometimes so let me offer you one. Let's say your boss calls you into his office and says "Oz, I don't like you anymore and I'm tired of all your whining about having cancer, you're fired, get your stuff and get out of here." 6 months later you have a better paying job with a boss that respects you a lot more and supports you in your battle with cancer and your old boss calls- "Oz, maybe you weren't so bad after all, why don't you quit that job and come back here for the same pay or maybe less while I decide if I really want you back or not." Would you feel bad about yourself that you didn't want to go back to that old job? Is this all YOUR doing? Or your WIFE'S?
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I have told several times that this is a pro marriage site. So how does being detached jive with wanting it to work. Makes no sense to me. Cause I have been told that this is a website for people who want it to work. But then as soon as I express any sort of anything about W I’m told “see a detached person wouldn’t say that”. It seems like that your definition of detached is I just tell W to take a flying leap and never look back with 0 chance of recon
Because you've forgotten how this dynamic works. You can't "nice" her back. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever. Remember this?
MIKE And what if I don't want to give up on her?
ROB You don't call.
MIKE But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.
ROB Right.
MIKE So I don't call either way.
ROB Right.
MIKE So what's the difference?
ROB The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.
MIKE So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.
ROB Right.
MIKE Well that [censored].
ROB It [censored].
MIKE So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.
ROB Right...or more likely the opposite.
MIKE Right... Wait, what do you mean?
ROB I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.
MIKE Unless she comes back first.
ROB Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.
I see how much I have forgotten. Thank you for those very awesome responses. I didn’t realize that inviting her to the party was that big of a deal. I expected her to say no. Like I said I have no doubt that in a few months we will go our separate ways. And I’m fine with it. She has expressed support with the big C. She told me she would like to come with me to next mri. And subsequent mris after that. She did not expect this last one would go poorly.
I’m not falling for anything or anything like that. But she has been very nice lately. Dinner is cooked when I get home. My laundry is folded and such. It was easier to DB when she was being awful.
I’m not under any illusions that she wants to fix anything. I’m just noting her recent niceness which seems to coincide with her decision to get back on antidepressants
Probably has more to do with you not applying pressure and giving her what she wants. This usually fools lbs that the WW is changing their mins and they get their hopes up. Your wise to know better.
